Being Broken Up Is Hard To Do

Nate & I broke up a few weeks ago.
It came out of nowhere & I think it blindsided BOTH of us, even though ultimately, he was the one who ended it.
I think there may be more to the story than I am aware of, but I don't know and all I can do is speculate & wonder & obsess...or that's what I did for the first week, in between excessive chocolate & wine consumption, culminating in one of the more embarrassing nights I've had in a long time.

The first week of a break up is always the worst, especially when it's obvious both parties were still crazy about each other.  But that's in the past.  I've been trying SO hard to move on.  I can listen to "Just Give Me A Reason" by P!nk & Nate Russe without bursting into tears (maybe I feel distantly sad but not much) & I can think about Nate without crying or feeling like I'm being stabbed in the chest.  This is HUGE progress.

I still "miss" him, but this week, I've been reflecting on the fact that it's not so much NATE that I miss but the comfort, peace, and happiness of having a boyfriend and someone who was there, someone who knows me, someone who adores me...THAT'S what I miss. Not Nate, anymore.

I'm SLOWLY moving on.  It's not easy getting over someone you are were crazy about. It's a painful process.  Getting over people isn't easy & I had to two break ups in a few months and I'm emotionally spent.  I utilized (Good) Josh and we've been chatting more, which I feel like maybe is a slippery slope, but that's irrelevant.

So, I've been moving on and getting to the point of saying "I'm over Nate!" & meaning it.  And then...He sent me a text.  It was nothing, ambiguous, just a "hey wiener, how have you been?" & I became a mess.  Sure, when we broke up, we said we would be friends & see what happened, with Nate strongly implying he felt we'd be getting back together one day.  Now, I am extremely cynical when it comes to friendship & ex-boyfriends.  Mostly b/c most of my exes are crazy.  ANYWAY, because of that, I put very little stock in being friends w/exes, despite still  having very strong feelings for him.

When (Bad) Josh would text me, I'd be like "WTF, SERIOUSLY???" in an annoyed & frustrated way...even at first, when I still wasn't fully over him b/c he was such a shitshow.  When Nate text me this afternoon, I was just like "SERIOUSLY?" in a much more frantic and crazed way.  Three weeks of no contact. THREE WEEKS without talking to each other, although there have been an embarrassingly high number of times I wanted to pick up the phone & call him over the past few weeks...sigh.

ANYWAY.  After three weeks of zero contact, I'd assumed we were gonna forgo the whole friendship thing.  I'd resigned myself to the fact that we were just meant for an intense, fast burning relationship.  And maybe we are.

I'm freaking out about a short text exchange b/c I am not as over him as I thought I was. I could literally HEAR him saying what he was texitng, see his expression and mannerisms and then I just...I don't know.  Part of  me was happy to hear from him, but I had to shut that part down b/c it's just not...no.  Maybe this will be it.  Maybe he was just feeling nostolgic or something.  I dunno.  I don't like feeling like this.  I hope to get myself back on track tomorrow and stop freaking out.

I'm trying SO hard to leave my past in my past.  That's why I haven't called The Trainer...b/c it would be SO easy & SO satisfying, but SUCH a terrible idea...b/c it's the PAST. The Trainer is NOT my future (but what a future it would be...38 year old beautiful black man...I'd kill my parents if we ended up together. Such an amusing thought). Even though when we broke up, both of us thought  we were still supposed to be in each other lives, I don't know HOW.

I need to take a deep breath, eat dinner, have some wine & RELAX.  I can't obsess or I'll go nuts. I'm just gonna roll with it and let things happen without trying to manufacture what I want.

"The Good Outnumber You"

I have nothing to say that has not already been said by my friends, bloggers I love, or society as a whole.

The horrific events that happened in Boston yesterday and their aftermath continue to haunt and sadden me. I have felt saddened, slow, & somewhat distracted all day.

However, I am proud to see people focusing more on the acts of heroism than the act of "terrorism."

Gina, of fitnessista.com, posted this link of people being awesome & I read it and cried on the Brown Line.

While I was at the gym today, I couldn't help but think how much I LOVE working out and how it makes me feel-and how much I take that for granted & just expect to be safe and sound (other than the usual soreness that accompanies a killer workout) while I do this thing that I love and has become an important part of who I am. Running the Boston Marathon is the penultimate honor for a runner-I can barely run a mile and I know this.  I can't imagine what it feels like to have your passion so deeply fused to a traumatic event. It makes me angry and sad and heartbroken to think about these runners, achieving what is likely a lifelong goal & having the sheer joy of that stripped away from them in such a heinous way.

I told a friend I wanted to hop on a plane and set up shop and do crisis counseling with people...the same thing I wanted to do after Newtown. I had a professor in grad school who was a "first responder" for therapeutic stuff like this.  SO COOL. One day. ONE DAY, I will do that. 

 I love therapy and psychology and working with people.  I'll likely eventually work with all types of people-the best humanity has to offer and likely the worst (I'm a Rape Crisis Counselor...I see the results of the worst...but I also see people offering love, support and dedication to the survivor-whether it is in the form of police, detectives, nurses/doctors, or their friends...I see the best too).  It is so easy to see the evil and want to give up on humanity (& I admit, I did text Candy "WTF is wrong w/people??" on Monday evening) but I just...can't.  The comedian Patton Oswalt said it best here, stating "So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, "The good outnumber you, and we always will."

THAT is what we should all be clinging to.  And, I think, it is what people are trying to do now: trying to not let the evil win, trying to not let ourselves get discouraged, trying to not let the pain and fear and paranoia whoever did this was hoping for to take over.

Yes. As a country and even as a world, our hearts are heavy and sad. Yes, we experienced a horrific trauma. BUT, we are not letting it defeat us. People ran toward the chaos. People ran to hospitals to donate blood or help out in some fashion. People opened up their homes to total, complete, strangers. THAT is why good will always trump evil. Because as Patton Oswalt said, "The good outnumbers you." THAT is why, no matter how much we may say "I have lost faith in humanity" or "I give up on humanity" we really don't. Because people like the people in Boston, in Newtown, in cities all over-big and small, people want to help. People want to make a difference in a GOOD WAY. Until we are no longer able to spot the good and see the good in people, we CAN have faith in humanity. 

Now & Then

Now...

I am self aware.

Then...

I let other's dictate and tell me what I should do and how I should feel (they were almost always incorrect.  Not TOTALLY incorrect, but they are not me)

Now...

I can recognize a bad idea.

Then...

I thought I was solving everyone's problems.

Now...

I can resist the temptation to act on those bad ideas and impulses.

Then...

I would do it anyway and then subsequently be miserable for the next month.

Now...

I know who I am...most days.

Then...

I had no idea. I just wanted to have friends.

Now...

I know what a healthy relationship is.

Then...

I thought feeling like trash & a mess was normal when you were in a relationship (oh Josh. you crazy mess...FRICK.  got a new phone, probs lost the "reject list"-ha, how funny that's what it's really called!-here's hoping he doesn't sense the window of stalker-tunity...see what i did there? :-P)

Now...

I'm sad.

Then...

I was a disaster.

Now...

I am a mess, lost, empty, sad, confused, resisting all sorts of bad impulses, wishing things were different, wishing life had an undo button, and wondering what the future will bring.

Then...

I was just a mess.

It's funny how life works.  Everytime I get too cocky or comfortable, I am almost inevitably proven wrong.  WTF, mate? It's getting old.  But, I know there are lessons to be learned.  But for once, I'd like to learn a lesson with a happy ending.  That's all.

Emotions.

Miserable.
Sad.
Heartbroken.
Confused.
Lost.
Angry.
Empty.

Ah Love.

Monica got married this weekend.
Her & Lewis are the definition of the perfect couple.
The wedding was gorgeous...there were a few hiccups, but  nothing major...trying to be on time for a wedding in Chicago is next to impossible, though, gotta say.
But the wedding, reception, speeches (not to brag, but...hey), dancing, company...everything was absolutely perfect.

Then, of course, it got me thinking about things.  How I'm dating someone awesome, that I can truly see myself marrying one day...and then, I freaked out.
Words can't even truly convey how much I missed Nate yesterday.
I mean, I miss him all the time since we are long distance, and we didn't talk a whole ton this week b/c of his vaca w/his buddies, but for whatever reason, last night,I just wanted him there with me.
He definitely has a calming effect on me...I sometimes get high strung, but as soon as I hear from him or talk to him or see him, I somehow calm down and am soothed into a happy place (except last night when his energy level was a 10 and mine was a -3 at 4AM when we were on the phone).
So, as I was drinking, laughing, and dancing the night away w/some of my favorite people in the world, I kept missing my fabulous boyfriend in a way I didn't even know was possible.
Which, naturally, freaked me out some.
I've always prided myself on being strong and independent and not needing a man (other than my father) in my life.
But...maybe, MAYBE, missing Nate like I was is a good thing...I've "missed" boyfriends in the past, wanted to see them, but it was never this caliber of missing...I felt like a part of my happiness was missing for the night. (Don't get me wrong, I had a blast at the wedding and reception, loved every minute of it...but still)
Which also freaked me out.
It's only been like a month and half since we've been together! How can I care this much after only a month and a half?
But we just talked 3 different times this afternoon and after each time, I felt so much calmer.
Is this what a healthy, quality, real relationship feels like?
B/c I think I'm okay with that.
He tried his hardest to come see me last night but it just didn't work out.  He was considering coming to Downers Grove at 4am just to see me, but we ultimately decided he should just go crash at his friend's house.
He wanted to see his friends too and I see him just about every weekend, so I wasn't pushing him to come see me because he was just trying to do it all at once.
Can't fault a guy for that.
It's also extremely nice to have a boyfriend who goes above and beyond to try and see me...haven't had that in a LONG time.  Possibly ever.
I seriously think I'm on a really good road here.
Hmm.

GOOOAL(s)!!

New month, new goal.
Last month was a disaster as so many things kept popping up!
This month:
No take out.  I need to learn how to reign this habit of mine in like WHOA.
Since I am a girl who does not like to cook, and live in the 3rd biggest city in America, I can pretty much order whatever kind of food I want offline and have it delivered right to my door. I don't even have to put clothes on.
However, this habit perpetuates my laziness (ie: I don't cook) and is extremely expensive...I don't even want to compute how much money I've spent on take out over the last few years.
(Also, Nate is getting antsy to have me cook for him...apparently, my constantly telling him how hot it is to watch him cook for me is no longer good enough and he wants me to cook for him...which, unfortunately, is fair...so I need to refocus my cooking skills...or, ya know, find them so I can start to refocus...)
So, no take out for meeeee.

Also, since I've started my new job, which as sporadic hours (such is the life of a therapist), I may be having some 8am clients...and since my job is about 40 minutes away, that's going to require me getting up far earlier than I've been used to the past few months...so I need to make a hugely concerted effort to start getting up early.
I want to make it a habit.  Not just once or twice a week when I have 8am clients, but every day.
Yikes.
I don't have very high expectations for this to take well in the beginning...I have become quite the night owl, and then I sleep till around 8:30-9am.
I want to keep my schedule close to what it is now...working out, errands, work, friends, etc...but I'm not sure how to do that, so it will be extremely interesting.
So...we'll see.

I'm ready to get my eating and working out back on point...the past month was a little bumpy, what with RVA training messing with my schedule and all that fun stuff. My body has definitely missed being as active as it was the past few months...and people seem to think I've lost a ton of weight b/c my eating has been so whacked out.  So ready for this month!

The Boyfriend and the House

Nate just bought a house.

He keeps using the phrase "we", as in "WE can throw parties!" 

He wanted me to come down and see him tomorrow (too busy before the wedding...lots going on. :-/)

His two flaws?

He's an old man and a) goes to bed early & b) sometimes forgets to call people back.

But holy cow, my boyfriend (almost) has a house. My boyfriend that I've been with for about a month, asked my opinion on a house and then bought the house.  What?  My "big kid" relationship is on the fast track to "super serious" and I'm not freaking out (much). 

It's gonna be a crazy ride.