It's Coming...

I think I am on the brink of an existential breakthrough.
I have this...feeling that something is coming.
I'm also in the midst of a ton of changes in life, so that's playing a role.

As a therapist & huge psychology nerd, I am forever making jokes about "existential crises" with my friends & co-workers, but I truly believe they are legit things.

We grow. We develop. We change. We re-evaluate our beliefs, our joys, our pains, our trials, and our life in general.

It is an on-going process, but at times, it all seems to come to a head and you become so much more aware of it. (thank you, new career/job, new apartment, & the ending of a relationship I am quickly realizing was soooo not right)

:(

Nate  & I decided to officially end things last night.
I couldn't deal with the half and half thing and he still wasn't ready to commit to a relationship.
We both have a ton of stuff happening in our lives right now, so I completely understand that mentality b/c I wasn't looking for a relationship commitment either, just a reassurance that I wasn't just wasting my time.

Since neither one of us wanted to compromise where we were, we decided the best course of action was to just be done.  He really wants to still be friends b/c he kept saying "i care about you so much" & i feel the same way, but I told him I need some time to process this.  I may or may not have yelled at him a bit for coming back after the 3 week hiatus on our relationship, especially if he didn't know what he wanted...he said he just couldn't get over me either.

It was heart breaking on multiple levels b/c a huge issue with us was our miscommunication with some things.    It killed me too, b/c we both admitted to having been pretty sure we had fallen in love w/the other person, despite the quickness of the relationship...which upset both of us, that we were feeling the same way and too stubborn to swallow our pride and discuss that.  Ugh. He didn't want to freak me out and I was just freaking out about feeling like that.  Ha. Typical.

I'm sad. I'm sad that this didn't work out when we were so perfect for each other. I'm sad this is the first time in over 6 years I've said the "L-word" about someone...as we were laying the relationship to rest. I'm sad that I now understand what it's like to date an awesome guy and he's gone. I'm just sad. But I'm allowing myself a day of wallowing & tears & then done. I already was sad about Nate once, I don't need to go through it all again.  (Especially that hangover.  No thanks.)

So yes. No more Nate. Sad day. But, if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be...doesn't mean I can't be sad for a little while. (plus, i'm about 5 days out from the placebo pill time...you know what that means...bonus emotions!! yessss!)

Calm to Storm and Back Again

My life officially became more of a "big kid" life this week! Woot! While I am still working thru some insurance insanity, I'm also working on gaining a client base! Progress. I'm also working as a receptionist there, which is great because I can see how things are run & done from a different perspective.

ANYWAY. The point of all of that is that Thursdays are officially my "days off." (currently, Tuesdays are as well, but I'll eventually be seeing clients in the first part of the day, so not for much longer).  While it wasn't a picture perfect day in Chicago (a typical day? kinda. perfect? depends on your definition of the word), it was still nice enough (for several hours) for me to wander around the lake, somewhat aimlessly. 

I just moved and my new apartment is less than half a mile from the lakefront (AMAZING)  & one of the several harbors Chicago has.  I walked around by the boats and sat and ate my lunch (Brazillian. have i mentioned how much i love this city?)  & then walked around some more.

Chicago has amazing lakefront paths...one is set further back, closer to Lake Shore Drive, where the other one is a wide spanse of tiered concrete steps for running, sitting, walking, etc. I found myself wishing I was closer to the lake (when it's windy, Lake Michigan looks so unbelievably cool-seriously impressed I haven't crashed on Lake Shore yet b/c its distracting to watch the waves breaking so fiercely) & I wanted to just enjoy the lakefront.  So, I directed myself in the direction of the lake, and sat on some rocks and read "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas" [sidebar: holy. crap. what a book! so so good. so sad. so incredible]. 

Its been storming on and off all week and it was fighting it this afternoon.  When I first got to the rocks and looked toward the south (downtown), it was still fairly sunny.  As I continued to sit there, it progressively got darker and darker, then back to sunny by the time I left about an hour and a half or so later.  As I sat there, alternating between my book, texting my best friend, and watching the weather change, I was hit with a sense of wonderment and awe of what God is capable of.  I know so many friends who are from small farm towns in small towns where skyscrapers and pollution and 4 million people in one city are as foreign to them as no Starbucks or Walmarts for over a mile are to me, who do not truly appreciate the majesty and beauty of my beloved city, but I saw it today.

Watching the weather change in a fairly rapid succession like that was pretty great too.  I'd look down for a chapter or so, look back up, and it would either be far darker or lighter than it had been 10 minutes prior.  I couldn't help laugh at the symbolism for life was well. Things go from calm to stormy to calm and back again ALL the time (having recently been in one of the storms, I can truly appreciate this) but it's still beautiful. No matter what. No matter how anyone else may perceive it.  These storms in life help define us and help us discover who we are and help us realize how strong we truly are.  We can start to rebuild ourselves, if the storm tore us down.  Or we can shake off the shock and debris if it was a smaller one and begin to move forward down the beautiful path set before us.  

It is not always easy to appreciate the beauty through the storm or the "cold and busy" package it may be wrapped up in, but in the end, the result is always beauty. And that is awesome.

*AHEM*

I am officially an LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor).  I can now FINALLY start seeing REAL clients!!
I actually have my first one on Friday evening. Woot.

Today, I picked up my keys for my new apartment...it's small and awesome and I'm super happy about it.  I move in on Saturday.

I'm having dinner w/Nate this weekend.  We are in talks of spending Thurs/Fri/Sat night together.  Apparently this is "letting it flow." However, it's his birthday (he's 29!!) on Saturday so I don't want to consume all of his time...I'm not sure where we'll be at the end of the weekend, but I must say, I'm shockingly happy with where we are now.

So many good things.

I like this month.

Lettin' It Flow

...is not easy.
But, it's teaching me a lot about myself and about dating/relationships & about life in general.

Life is not something I can control, no matter how much I want to or how much I try to.

My career is at a stand still right now.  I am literally spinning my wheels, waiting for my LPC to come in the mail so I can FINALLY see real clients and do real therapy.  I'm so excited, I can barely stand it b/c I am so ready to hit the PLAY button my career and get it rolling in the right direction...but there's nothing I can do about it.  I can't make it come faster.  I can't make the licensing board work quicker.  I can't make Illinois a more efficient state...I just have to wait.  And it's making me CRAZY.  But I'm learning patience.  I finally admitted defeat and I'm going home to work at J&L 2 days a week...4.5 hours in the afternoon & then 4.5 hours the next morning (ok, more like 4 since I don't get there right at 8am b/c I don't really care & no one's gonna say anything so...)mostly b/c I just can't deal with having nothing to do...although the weather in Chicago is FINALLY turning into spring, I still just...I need to work.

Nate & I are still crazy about each other and still "lettin' it flow."  He's got some freaky ass mental connection and will text/call me the the minute I start to get a little frustrated w/what exactly is going on.  But we're still good.  We talked on the phone today and acted just like our old selves, except there were a few times when we tripped over our words when we were trying to discuss what exactly was going on with us in terms of our relationship.  But things are good.  Slow. Flowin'. or whatever.

Overall,  though, this is a good lesson for me.  Life isn't always perfect.  I can't control...well, ANYTHING in my life.  My career? My love life? My new apartment?  My body? All of those things take time and patience, and hard work.  They do not come easily. The only thing I have even the remotest control over of that list is my body...and for a long time, it felt like I had NO control over it,...till I learned HOW.  But, unfortunately, I can't learn how to control my career or my love life or other people.  And really, why would I WANT to?

It's not an easy lesson to learn.  I kinda wish I was learning it with something that was NOT a romantic relationship, buuuut hey.  It will help w/Nate and it will help if there are other relationships in the future.

How You Know Your Ex Isn't Over You

...he calls you at 4:30 am, after a bachelor party, tells you he's leaving the city but wants to see you...comes to see you & then tells you he lied, that he wasn't in the city & was at his parents' in the suburbs but wanted to see you so badly he drove the whole way.

And then in the morning, tells you he liked you from the moment he met you and hasn't stopped since.

We are going to try and start over and, in Nate's words, "let it flow."

I am not always good with abstracts in datingland, but I think I need to learn how to be and let go of my need to have everything perfectly ordered.

Can't argue with a guy who looks you in the eye & says "i think we're supposed to be something great." Can't argue with the fact that the second he hugged me, I felt more at peace than I've felt for the past 3 weeks.

So...we'll see. Here it goes!

How You Know You're Not Over the Ex

The prospect of POSSIBLY seeing him today makes you want to vomit every time you think about & you have a distant nauseous feeling...constantly.
AND you find yourself wishing you had Bailey's for your coffee or wishing that 10am was acceptable to have the rest of the bottle a glass of wine.
AND you find yourself thinking that a RUN would be quite useful in helping you destress.
AND the masochistic side of you hopes you do see each other, another part is hoping for no, and still ANOTHER part is hoping "maybe, but only if there's alcohol present, but still...no."

Ugh.