Whoa.

I like a boy!!

Miracles do happen!

I thought I was gonna spend a long time in self-imposed singleness, but it was only about a month & a half (longer if you count the time we weren't ACTUALLY together).'

Several guys have asked/alluded to wanting to take me out, but I wasn't interested but this guy...there was something different that made me accept when he asked me on a date & things have been moving nice and slow and in a positive direction ever since.

It's so nice to date easily. No wondering what I should say, how I should act, what I should do...just doing it.

It's even nicer having someone like me for me-the whole crazy, silly, feisty, stubborn, opinionated, strong-personality-ied self.

Whoa.

The "D" Word.

So, it's not secret I've developed a slight aversion to dating...ok maybe "developed" is the wrong word.
"have had for quite some time but recently was seriously reignited" is probably a lot more accurate.
after the Anthony & Nate debacles, I was pretty much done.
No more dating. No more relationships. No more heartbreak. Just not interested in what it had to offer.
Too bad that lasted only a month.
It was a quick, fairly easy-definitely not painless-but quick and easy getting over Nate the second time.
Taking a step back and taking emotions out of it, it was easy to see how actually NOT awesome he was, thus helping me to expedite what could've been a rather long process.
However, I met a cute guy on Friday and we went out on Sunday.
We (obviously) aren't dating yet, or anywhere close, but we are talking and flirting.
I'm enjoying myself. It's nice. I'm not running away or huddling in the fetal position in fear.
It really helps he seems to sense that I'm a flight risk of sorts and is not pushing anything too much.
Chatting at the gym yesterday, texting throughout the day today...not too much but not too little either.
I am enjoying re-learning what it feels to have a new crush, full of possibilities and the silly feelings that accompany it.
If I learned anything from the mess with Nate, it was not to push anything. (& okay, so maybe the New Boy & I kissed some on Sunday. I just like to find out if that works.)
To move slowly. To not  rush into a relationship. To give things time to grow and develop.
So, despite the fact it's obvious we are interested in each other, I'm just gonna let it go with this guy and see what happens.
I'm just proud of myself I'm not longer living in fear of dating.
This is big.

Hmm..

As I mentioned earlier, I'm going thru what I am calling an "existential crisis." I also mentioned way back when the book "The Happiness Project" I read in the beginning of the year.

Over the course of the past few months, this is something I've really been struggling with: happiness. contentment. peace. joy. all of those types of emotions. Not that I haven't been feeling them, because I totally have, but sometimes...not so much.  It's kind of a weird feeling, when you go from always being a happy person to...not. Now, some of this was brought on by an attempt at a new birth control, which legit made me CRAZY & I lasted a month on it, and a little bit of sadness from the whole Nate ordeal, but still.

I just started the next chapter of my life and the transition has been slightly terrifying, totally overwhelming, totally thrilling, inspiring a variety of emotion in me.

So. I decided to re-read "The Happiness Project." I love the idea & I've been toying around with the idea of doing my own version (likely shorter. I doubt I have don't have the focus to do it for a full year!!) but it's defintitely intriguing enough for me to want to do.

The first chapter she details what she calls her "Splendid Truths" & "Secrets of Adulthood." As I was reading I starting thinking of some of my own...except my "Secrets of Adulthood" are actually "Secrets of Your Mid/Late Twenties." (& b/c I am just not comfortable calling myself an adult quite yet.) Stay tuned, b/c I'm thinking this will be a fun project.

Learning to Rest

(Mostly) Written on Monday

Today, I decided to take a day off of the gym.  I did a seriously intense leg workout on Friday & I'm still kinda sore. The workout was nothing I hadn't done before, but I FINALLY was able to get some time on the squat rack for the first time in a LONG time. (I always am on a fairly set time table when I go to the gym and that's not always conducive to waiting for the meathead guys to finish using it). ANYWAY. Finally reuniting with the squat rack made me really miss it.  There's something that makes me feel like a superwoman when I squat with the 65#. I've done A LOT more than that but since it's been so long, I decided to go a little lighter and holy crap, I am so glad i did.  I feel like an old lady when walking up & down stairs, but if you want a great ass, heavy squatting is awesome.

ANYWAY. The point of this is that I took the day off of the gym. This is big for 2 reasons: 1) i didn't work out yesterday (i was at the pride parade...i am hilariously red. who forgets sunscreen on a day she's gonna be outside for 7 hours? THIS GIRL.) & I hate taking 2 days off in a row. 2) I almost never skip a Monday. Monday workouts are typically my favorites b/c they set the tone for the week & I've found if I skip a Monday, it's easier to get lackadaisical & skip other days.

However, when I woke up this morning I was feeling a little nauseous...as previously stated, I was outside for 7 hours yesterday. Plus a fabulous margarita in the sunshine. So this morning, I was just bleh. I knew that if I got up and ate a bowl of cereal or something, I'd feel better, but I checked in with my body (such a weird thing to say, but something that feels so completely natural to me since I've started working out so regularly) & realized my body was just tired. I spent the majority of the day yesterday standing and/or walking (when did a 2 mile walk become a breeze?) & my legs were still kinda sore. Since the last thing I want to do is overtrain or burnout on the gym, I decided it was okay to take the day.

Up until as recent as probably 5 months ago, Cognitively, I understood the purpose & importance of rest days, but it wouldn't stop me from feeling guilty, lazy, and gross. BUT, on the flip side, too frequently, I would find myself going too hard and having to take several days off in a row or going super sporadically for two weeks in a row...and my fitness level and health suffered accordingly. 

 Nowadays, I embrace my rest days...not because I'm excited to sleep in or whatever, but b/c as Gina states,  "I think it’s so important to take time for YOU. For weight training, it’s pretty common knowledge that results happen during rest. The same thing holds true for LIFE."  Rest days are so important for training. Giving myself & my body a break isn't a bad thing, it's needed, it's necessary, it's safe and it's effective. Last week, on my mid-week rest day, my metabolism was so revved up it was ridiculous. I at practically non-stop for almost 12 hours...I was rationing my food while I worked to ensure I wouldn't be starving by the time my shift ended. Rest days are honoring my body, not insulting it. 

I've been determined lately to honor my body, my self, my mind, and my heart. I'm trying to "eat clean" more (I love food-healthy or unhealthy, so I do not feel at all guilty about the fact I just ate an cookie ice cream sandwich from Trader Joe's right before I finished typing this up), I'm trying to get more sleep, I started seeing a new therapist, I'm reaching out to friends, I am being wise about dating (which is why I am not dating anyone right now...I've had several guys suggest "going out.")

Since my life has picked up speed so quickly the past month or so, rest days-from the gym, from work, from life-have become something of a hot commodity. I'm the type of person who prefers to ALWAYS be doing something. I am bad at relaxing for more than an hour or two at a time. I feel like I need to be moving in some way,shape or form.  Frequently on rest days from the gym, I'll take walks. I can take in my glorious city, relax, and enjoy being outside...without trying to break a sweat or lift a higher weight. 

Taking time to just...be...is something that I am still getting comfortable with. That's what this whole post is about: resting. I say I do well being single, being on my own...but also, I'm constantly on the go. I'm constantly texting, calling, emailing...does that really constitute as being alone? I rarely just take time for myself and just exist. I've been doing it more lately, but it's still something I'm working on. It's so funny to me how being introspective about my rest day lead me to consider how important rest is every facet of my life. Learning how to slow down will continue to be something to work on...and likely will be a slow process itself b/c well...sometimes it takes me a time or two or ten to finally get something. 

It's Coming...

I think I am on the brink of an existential breakthrough.
I have this...feeling that something is coming.
I'm also in the midst of a ton of changes in life, so that's playing a role.

As a therapist & huge psychology nerd, I am forever making jokes about "existential crises" with my friends & co-workers, but I truly believe they are legit things.

We grow. We develop. We change. We re-evaluate our beliefs, our joys, our pains, our trials, and our life in general.

It is an on-going process, but at times, it all seems to come to a head and you become so much more aware of it. (thank you, new career/job, new apartment, & the ending of a relationship I am quickly realizing was soooo not right)

:(

Nate  & I decided to officially end things last night.
I couldn't deal with the half and half thing and he still wasn't ready to commit to a relationship.
We both have a ton of stuff happening in our lives right now, so I completely understand that mentality b/c I wasn't looking for a relationship commitment either, just a reassurance that I wasn't just wasting my time.

Since neither one of us wanted to compromise where we were, we decided the best course of action was to just be done.  He really wants to still be friends b/c he kept saying "i care about you so much" & i feel the same way, but I told him I need some time to process this.  I may or may not have yelled at him a bit for coming back after the 3 week hiatus on our relationship, especially if he didn't know what he wanted...he said he just couldn't get over me either.

It was heart breaking on multiple levels b/c a huge issue with us was our miscommunication with some things.    It killed me too, b/c we both admitted to having been pretty sure we had fallen in love w/the other person, despite the quickness of the relationship...which upset both of us, that we were feeling the same way and too stubborn to swallow our pride and discuss that.  Ugh. He didn't want to freak me out and I was just freaking out about feeling like that.  Ha. Typical.

I'm sad. I'm sad that this didn't work out when we were so perfect for each other. I'm sad this is the first time in over 6 years I've said the "L-word" about someone...as we were laying the relationship to rest. I'm sad that I now understand what it's like to date an awesome guy and he's gone. I'm just sad. But I'm allowing myself a day of wallowing & tears & then done. I already was sad about Nate once, I don't need to go through it all again.  (Especially that hangover.  No thanks.)

So yes. No more Nate. Sad day. But, if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be...doesn't mean I can't be sad for a little while. (plus, i'm about 5 days out from the placebo pill time...you know what that means...bonus emotions!! yessss!)

Calm to Storm and Back Again

My life officially became more of a "big kid" life this week! Woot! While I am still working thru some insurance insanity, I'm also working on gaining a client base! Progress. I'm also working as a receptionist there, which is great because I can see how things are run & done from a different perspective.

ANYWAY. The point of all of that is that Thursdays are officially my "days off." (currently, Tuesdays are as well, but I'll eventually be seeing clients in the first part of the day, so not for much longer).  While it wasn't a picture perfect day in Chicago (a typical day? kinda. perfect? depends on your definition of the word), it was still nice enough (for several hours) for me to wander around the lake, somewhat aimlessly. 

I just moved and my new apartment is less than half a mile from the lakefront (AMAZING)  & one of the several harbors Chicago has.  I walked around by the boats and sat and ate my lunch (Brazillian. have i mentioned how much i love this city?)  & then walked around some more.

Chicago has amazing lakefront paths...one is set further back, closer to Lake Shore Drive, where the other one is a wide spanse of tiered concrete steps for running, sitting, walking, etc. I found myself wishing I was closer to the lake (when it's windy, Lake Michigan looks so unbelievably cool-seriously impressed I haven't crashed on Lake Shore yet b/c its distracting to watch the waves breaking so fiercely) & I wanted to just enjoy the lakefront.  So, I directed myself in the direction of the lake, and sat on some rocks and read "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas" [sidebar: holy. crap. what a book! so so good. so sad. so incredible]. 

Its been storming on and off all week and it was fighting it this afternoon.  When I first got to the rocks and looked toward the south (downtown), it was still fairly sunny.  As I continued to sit there, it progressively got darker and darker, then back to sunny by the time I left about an hour and a half or so later.  As I sat there, alternating between my book, texting my best friend, and watching the weather change, I was hit with a sense of wonderment and awe of what God is capable of.  I know so many friends who are from small farm towns in small towns where skyscrapers and pollution and 4 million people in one city are as foreign to them as no Starbucks or Walmarts for over a mile are to me, who do not truly appreciate the majesty and beauty of my beloved city, but I saw it today.

Watching the weather change in a fairly rapid succession like that was pretty great too.  I'd look down for a chapter or so, look back up, and it would either be far darker or lighter than it had been 10 minutes prior.  I couldn't help laugh at the symbolism for life was well. Things go from calm to stormy to calm and back again ALL the time (having recently been in one of the storms, I can truly appreciate this) but it's still beautiful. No matter what. No matter how anyone else may perceive it.  These storms in life help define us and help us discover who we are and help us realize how strong we truly are.  We can start to rebuild ourselves, if the storm tore us down.  Or we can shake off the shock and debris if it was a smaller one and begin to move forward down the beautiful path set before us.  

It is not always easy to appreciate the beauty through the storm or the "cold and busy" package it may be wrapped up in, but in the end, the result is always beauty. And that is awesome.