Emotions.

Miserable.
Sad.
Heartbroken.
Confused.
Lost.
Angry.
Empty.

Ah Love.

Monica got married this weekend.
Her & Lewis are the definition of the perfect couple.
The wedding was gorgeous...there were a few hiccups, but  nothing major...trying to be on time for a wedding in Chicago is next to impossible, though, gotta say.
But the wedding, reception, speeches (not to brag, but...hey), dancing, company...everything was absolutely perfect.

Then, of course, it got me thinking about things.  How I'm dating someone awesome, that I can truly see myself marrying one day...and then, I freaked out.
Words can't even truly convey how much I missed Nate yesterday.
I mean, I miss him all the time since we are long distance, and we didn't talk a whole ton this week b/c of his vaca w/his buddies, but for whatever reason, last night,I just wanted him there with me.
He definitely has a calming effect on me...I sometimes get high strung, but as soon as I hear from him or talk to him or see him, I somehow calm down and am soothed into a happy place (except last night when his energy level was a 10 and mine was a -3 at 4AM when we were on the phone).
So, as I was drinking, laughing, and dancing the night away w/some of my favorite people in the world, I kept missing my fabulous boyfriend in a way I didn't even know was possible.
Which, naturally, freaked me out some.
I've always prided myself on being strong and independent and not needing a man (other than my father) in my life.
But...maybe, MAYBE, missing Nate like I was is a good thing...I've "missed" boyfriends in the past, wanted to see them, but it was never this caliber of missing...I felt like a part of my happiness was missing for the night. (Don't get me wrong, I had a blast at the wedding and reception, loved every minute of it...but still)
Which also freaked me out.
It's only been like a month and half since we've been together! How can I care this much after only a month and a half?
But we just talked 3 different times this afternoon and after each time, I felt so much calmer.
Is this what a healthy, quality, real relationship feels like?
B/c I think I'm okay with that.
He tried his hardest to come see me last night but it just didn't work out.  He was considering coming to Downers Grove at 4am just to see me, but we ultimately decided he should just go crash at his friend's house.
He wanted to see his friends too and I see him just about every weekend, so I wasn't pushing him to come see me because he was just trying to do it all at once.
Can't fault a guy for that.
It's also extremely nice to have a boyfriend who goes above and beyond to try and see me...haven't had that in a LONG time.  Possibly ever.
I seriously think I'm on a really good road here.
Hmm.

GOOOAL(s)!!

New month, new goal.
Last month was a disaster as so many things kept popping up!
This month:
No take out.  I need to learn how to reign this habit of mine in like WHOA.
Since I am a girl who does not like to cook, and live in the 3rd biggest city in America, I can pretty much order whatever kind of food I want offline and have it delivered right to my door. I don't even have to put clothes on.
However, this habit perpetuates my laziness (ie: I don't cook) and is extremely expensive...I don't even want to compute how much money I've spent on take out over the last few years.
(Also, Nate is getting antsy to have me cook for him...apparently, my constantly telling him how hot it is to watch him cook for me is no longer good enough and he wants me to cook for him...which, unfortunately, is fair...so I need to refocus my cooking skills...or, ya know, find them so I can start to refocus...)
So, no take out for meeeee.

Also, since I've started my new job, which as sporadic hours (such is the life of a therapist), I may be having some 8am clients...and since my job is about 40 minutes away, that's going to require me getting up far earlier than I've been used to the past few months...so I need to make a hugely concerted effort to start getting up early.
I want to make it a habit.  Not just once or twice a week when I have 8am clients, but every day.
Yikes.
I don't have very high expectations for this to take well in the beginning...I have become quite the night owl, and then I sleep till around 8:30-9am.
I want to keep my schedule close to what it is now...working out, errands, work, friends, etc...but I'm not sure how to do that, so it will be extremely interesting.
So...we'll see.

I'm ready to get my eating and working out back on point...the past month was a little bumpy, what with RVA training messing with my schedule and all that fun stuff. My body has definitely missed being as active as it was the past few months...and people seem to think I've lost a ton of weight b/c my eating has been so whacked out.  So ready for this month!

The Boyfriend and the House

Nate just bought a house.

He keeps using the phrase "we", as in "WE can throw parties!" 

He wanted me to come down and see him tomorrow (too busy before the wedding...lots going on. :-/)

His two flaws?

He's an old man and a) goes to bed early & b) sometimes forgets to call people back.

But holy cow, my boyfriend (almost) has a house. My boyfriend that I've been with for about a month, asked my opinion on a house and then bought the house.  What?  My "big kid" relationship is on the fast track to "super serious" and I'm not freaking out (much). 

It's gonna be a crazy ride.

Funny the way it is...

I was on the phone w/Nate (the boyfriend) tonight on my way home from my class & we were kidding around about what we were gonna do to "celebrate" my new job the next time we see each other.  The ideas were getting progressively more ridiculous (dating a guy with a sense of humor > dating any other guy) & I was laughing and was just like

"Babe. Seriously."

And then he kinda snapped from totally insane to totally introspective in .2 seconds (impressive) & was just like "you know, the first time we met, I would have never dreamed you'd ever be calling me 'babe'."

Now, he says the most ridiculously sweet and charming things at the most random times (keeps me on my toes and has increased my ability to say "Awww" and then blush tenfold) and this, of course, was one of them.

He continued "I can't believe watching you stretch & saying "Are you a gymnast?" ended up with us being a couple."

[the first time we met, i was doing a standing quad stretch...at a party. in skinny jeans...and he came up to me & asked that question b/c "i really thought you were a gymnast!"...really, I'm just a somewhat socially awkward person who thinks its normal and acceptable to stretch like that at a party.]

I was just like "Life is funny like that.  That was honestly the best opening line I've ever heard...and I've heard some doozies."

Our sweet moment didn't last much longer b/c we got back to being silly (& planning a fantasy trip to California or Hawaii or somewhere warm together) but it did make me think.

Neither one of us were really supposed to be at that party...we both only knew 2 other people there (not the same people, either) & when he first introduced himself to Monica & me,  I thought "wow, he's really cute...he probably has a girlfriend." (also, The Trainer & I had only broken up like, 2 weeks before that, so I wasn't in the market for a new boy).

He later told me he had internally debated on coming up to talk to me for like 5 minutes before he actually did.  He said he thought I'd have a boyfriend & didn't want to be "that guy" but figured to give it a shot  anyway. I clearly responded positively and we had almost endless conversation for the next 2 hours with little to no awkward pauses.

I guess things happen when you least expect them, with people you least expect, when you aren't even feeling particularly pretty and are wearing something that is only semi-cute. :)

Nate & I couldn't really ignore our attraction to each other and even now, it's hard to think about giving up on our relationship just b/c we're long distance from the get go b/c of how insanely random our meeting was. Maybe this is it. Maybe it will end up being just another "So my ex..." story (and I have so many good ones already!!!) but regardless, it just is funny how things worked out and funny now it blindsided both of us.

Next Chapter, please.

So, I'm pretty excited.
The next REAL chapter...not this filler nonsense...of my life is about to start.
I'm finally on the path to becoming a "real" grown up.

New job.
New boyfriend.
New attitude.
New apartment (ideally...).
New lifestyle of living on my own.
New puppy (hopefully!).
(ok, so the last three are probably a few months off still, seeing as my lease here doesn't end until May 31st, but still.  Living alone is a real possibility now!)

I just got a job offer at a place called Trinity Counseling Resources.  I'm going to start out as part time, but I think there is a very real possibility it will turn to full time fairly quickly.  I may not be making a TON of money (but it's more than most starting salaries in this field!) but that's okay. I'll FINALLY be doing something I LOVE. All the blood, sweat, tears, years and money that went into obtain this stupid degree will finally be paying off!

And of course, the new boyfriend...the amazing new boyfriend of mine.  So far, so good, so perfect. I am loving getting to know him and developing our somewhat hilarious relationship (we're both totally weird; it works out scary well).

I can't get over how everything seemed to happen at once.  There has been radio silence in my life for the past few months...maybe a blip here and there, but for the most part, nothing...and then BAM. ALL at once: Boyfriend, job, new apartment on the horizon...all happening during one of the busiest months I've had in a LONG time. How does that always seem to happen?

Regardless, I am so happy about this new job & so excited to see what's next.  I feel like my life has finally been unpaused! :)

Raise Your Hand If...

...you starting crying during the middle of your workout yesterday.

oh...just me, then? Awesome. (A combo of the Boy acting like a 13 year old girl and not acknowledging my existence, my parents' hurtful words the night before, not being 100% over the Boy, and excess emotions from who knows where all made this slightly embarrassing moment a reality).

The past few days have been nothing short of rough.  I seem to have lost my motivation for working out, I haven't been feeling well, looking for jobs is slowly starting to crush my soul, AND my parents seem to think that I'm "not doing anything."

When I was home on Sunday, my father was going on and on about how I clearly was doing something wrong and whatever I was doing in terms of looking for jobs was "clearly  not working."  Uhm, hello, it's not like I've been looking for THAT long ( I mean, 3.5 months FEELS like forever, but in reality, it takes around 7 months or so). He went as far as to suggest I sublet my room in my apartment and move back to NWI..as if moving back to NWI would make me find a job faster.

Uh...I HATE it there.  It is NOT my home anymore.  Outside my family, there are only a handful of people that I care about..I've lost touch with numerous friends, having been consumed with school for 2 years and them with their own families/kids.  When I moved up here 2.5 years ago, I all but was waving my middle finger high and saying "peace out, bitches!"...to Schererville, to former friends, to my unfulfilling life there...

What I can't understand is how my father thinks that me moving back there would FIX anything.  It would make it worse.  I'm almost positive I'd slip into some sort of depression.  My friends are HERE.  My life is HERE.

I don't understand why my family is so stupid when it comes to me and my job search.  J&L will NEVER make me happy or fulfilled...which is why I'm NOT working there now.  They want me to apply for "other" jobs now...basically, take time off of my REAL job search to look for jobs that are more menial or whatever.  Because that makes sense.  So, on Thursday or Friday, after I force myself to have a killer workout, I'm going to shower at the gym and hop the bus & go up the street and go inquire if a few places close by are hiring...first stop? Victoria's Secret.  Can you imagine my uberChristian, uberConservative parents having to tell their friends their daughter works at Victoria's Secret?  It would be AWESOME.

But really...this is it.  I'm gonna do whatever the hell it takes to get  a job in my field.  And when I do, I'm going to hop around my parents and say "fuck you doubters, look what I did.  Thanks for always 100% believing in me!"  Because it seems they have stopped doing that and it sucks.  Maybe, to add insult to injury, I'll reconcile w/the Boy, who was by NO means close to their ideal mate for me...which definitely added to his appeal, let me tell you. But whatever.  I'm not so much sad anymore as really really pissed.  Here I go.