A Rant.

So this post is a long time coming. It's a topic that has become more frequently discussed recently on some of the health/fitness blogs I read, but I want to share my 2 cents too b/c, honestly, it's not discussed enough.

It is damn near impossible to know and understand what a "healthy body" is nowadays.  There are attacks on people who are "too big", "too skinny", "too muscular", "too obsessed"...I am curious to see if the percentage of people-not just females-with eating disorders (Anorexia, Bullimia, EDNOS) has risen at all over the past year or two because of how just...insane the "fitness" motivation things are getting. 

Obviously, it's no secret that I LOVE to work out. I usually workout 5 days a week, with rest days falling in there somewhere. I eat. A Lot. Constantly.  I DO NOT adhere to any eating methods, like "clean eating" or "paleo" or "vegan" or whatever the hell else there is to do.  I simply eat well...not great, but I'd say I eat healthier than 85% of the population. (True life: I just ate 2 Reeses as I typed up the first few paragraphs & I'm thinking a glass of wine is gonna be happening after this). 

 I eat what I crave-which is almost always something that I know is mostly healthy and filling. (and sometimes is chocolate or deep dish pizza). I "listen" to my body and what I want to eat. I know what makes my body happy, what fuels me, and what will make me feel gross or sick after I eat it. I drink almond milk over dairy now and have drastically cut back on my Starbucks/eating out habits. I rarely consume red meat nowadays, choosing to go for turkey, chicken, or some type of fish...however, I do love me a burger or a steak every once in a while. I don't feel guilty eating a seriously decadent dessert or dinner when my father comes to town to take me to a fancy restaurant or when my girlfriends & I go out for dinner or brunch or drinks...but I do notice a difference on how I feel the next day when I get up to hit the gym or go to work or whatever after  a particularly indulgent or unhealthy meal. Typically, the next day, my body is almost DEMANDING lean meat, veggies, fruits & Greek yogurt (I could single handedly keep Chiobani in business. Not even kidding.)  Thus, those outings/unhealthy food binges are not a regular occurrence, simply because my body knows what works best for it. 

Did I always eat like this? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Have we met? I am not the world's greatest chef. I spent most of grad school getting my calories from Starbucks purchases, Digorino personal pizzas, or various Lean Cuisines. (I can eat none of that stuff now without seriously regretting it 20 minutes later). Since I have gotten more into fitness and health, I have noticed a dramatic shift in my eating habits.  You NEED to eat what fuels YOU.  No more pop tarts (ok, sometimes) or empty carbs (seriously. very rarely) or Lean Cuisines (I depended on them during my internship but had to bring another mini-meal b/c my metabolism is way too fast for those suckers to actually last).

I think feeling guilty about what you eat or limiting yourself on what you CAN eat is CRAZY.  Do I respect the people in the fitness world who do eat clean or paleo in order to reach their goals? HECK YES.  However, it's just not for me.  I like carbs. I like cheese. I like chocolate. I need like wine. I like variety (which sucks, b/c it means I have to expand my cooking skillz). I love the concept of clean eating, but sometimes I find it boring. Sometimes, I find it delicious. I could never be vegan. I like cheese (but I already mentioned that). Some of the healthy recipes I find call for bizarre ingredients I don't have on hand or are pricey, or black beans in brownies (I have been assured they are tasty, buuut I don't like black beans and I don't care if my dessert is a lot of calories. I'm too busy drooling after it to care).

There is SUCH a fine line between healthy and healthy-masquerading-as-healthy. Part of the reason I don't dedicate more time to what I eat or adhere to any of those eating styles is because I know myself.  Personally, (truly,  I am not trying to be dramatic here), for me, I would quickly develop some type of eating disorder if I attempted to do one of those diets. I've toed the line of an eating disorder in the past-more than once-and I don't want to ever be that close again. It would be so easy to convince myself that wine, chocolate, etc were ALWAYS BAD and then that would just quickly spiral into craziness, so I stay away.  I am constantly checking in with myself, making sure I'm eating enough and well, and there have actually been days when I've had an internal debate about chocolate or not, and usually end up eating it b/c I need to remind myself that it's OKAY to indulge...more than once a week.

Those "fitspo" motivation things flying all over Pinterest or Instagram? The ones that say "The chocolate you've wanted for an hour or the body you've wanted forever?" or "Hip bones or that burger?" or whatever equally ridiculous saying are SO SO unhealthy.  To me, it's almost promoting eating disorders. It's totally destroying a healthy body image. It's making it virtually impossible for women to ever be satisfied and confident with their bodies b/c everyone thinks they "should" look like that "that."  To be honest, I have abs, a nice ass, and toned legs-and I still eat chocolate multiple times a week. It's possible.

RIDICULOUS.  I also have a HUGE issue with those posters that say "Real women have curves/hips/booties/etc"...uhm, excuse me. I'm as real as they come (minus the hair color. That is categorically not real) & I have very few curves. I have an amazing chest, extremely  narrow hips, a small (but nice-thank you squats, deadlifts, and lunges) ass, slim (but toned) legs, rather broad shoulders, thin (toned) arms...WHO decided that curves make you a real women? It's not my fault I wasn't blessed with all around curves. My best friend, who is Hispanic, has amazing hips, thighs, and a booty-but small boobs. We always joke about how we want to be able to move things around-but alas, that is not possible.

Every woman everywhere probably wishes she could change something about her body (this may or may not be true). We can't help it. HOWEVER. I am finally at a point in my life where I can look in the mirror while I'm in my bra & undies & LOVE what I see. Sure, I think I maybe need to work my core (OBLIQUES!) a little more or do more squats or whatever, but I'm happy and confident with myself. I lay out in a bikini during the summer and I am not embarrassed. It's amazing.

I've heard that I'm too skinny. I've heard that I "lift too heavy for how tiny of a person you are" (thanks mom. I told her mentalities like that are why feminists exist. She wasn't pleased.) A lady at the gym a few weeks ago told me I was her motivation. Several trainers have genuinely (not in the 'i want to have sex with you' way) complimented me on how I look recently. Yeah, that's awesome (most of it). But all that matters is that I am happy with myself. I am confident. I will continue to workout and eat well and indulge and be confident in who I am, who I'm becoming, and what I'm doing.

There needs to be more of a movement when it comes to embracing and loving your body, no matter what. If you want to workout, or lose weight, or whatever, AMAZING. If you just want to tone, yes! If you want to lose weight so you can be healthy, I applaud you and will help you in anyway. I wish society would truly embrace the variety women's bodies and let us be proud of who were are and what we look like, as opposed to us constantly being inundated by ideas that often contradict each other.

Be proud of who you are. Be proud of your body-curves or no, tall or short, toned or not toned...be confident and strong and proud. You deserve it.

THAT Person.

We all have that one person in our life...that one person, that makes us fall to pieces emotionally, that sets our world upside down when we thought it was fine, the one person who makes us go "what if..." "i wonder..." "how different would my life be?", makes us question everything...

You know you had someone in mind when you read that.  I could probably tell you who you're thinking of. ;-)

Intense relationships.  Passionate relationships. Crazy relationships. Over and done and then over and done AGAIN relationships...still, there is that one guy.

It doesn't matter how over him you are, how much you've moved on-mentally, emotionally, physically- who you're with now (ok, so I'm not with anyone now & just recently had my first seriously physical encounter with someone since like, the end of May...but still), the reappearance totally throws you for a loop.

It's no one's fault.  You can't help it.  It doesn't mean you're not over him.  It just means that this particular guy meant way more to you than anyone else ever did-till you find the love of your life.

I don't know why I LET him make me nuts.  I really really don't. Why we cannot seem to stay away from each other.  He's on track at this point to become Josh 2.0, although far less...josh-like. I don't know what he wants or needs or is hoping is going to happen.

I CAN resist him. I can. I CAN.  And I will keep saying that until I truly believe it.

Exes. Sigh.

To the Ex-Boyfriends of the world:

Please realize you are an ex for a reason.  I don't care how horny, lonely, bored, nostalgic, or how much you  miss me, please, just...don't try and contact me.

If for some reason, you cannot help yourself, just do us both a favor & make your intentions known from the get-go.  Don't send me some lame "how are you" text...if you wanna hook up, be honest.  If you just want to say hi b/c you're feeling nostalgic, say so.

Don't send ambiguous texts that could mean a zillion things.  As little as a  month & a half ago, I would've caved so fast & responded & walked down this road...again. This time, I don't even feel the need to respond...am I curious? of course!! Also, I was a little annoyed..Like, WTF. we BROKE UP.  I had such a sense of finality. Our conversation didn't really seem like there was any sort of possibility for us to reconcile again.  But, yeah, I'm still a little curious as to what the eff he wants.

Sure, at one point, I thought Nate could be "it." & I know he felt the same about me too.  But, we were  both wrong. I took off my rose-colored glasses & was able to see the flaws in our relationship.

I'm happy. Like, really happy. Things are going well w/my career, my life in general, I'm DATING again...yeah, The Boy & I are like, brand new & not even really official or anything close to it, but the fact remains: there is someone else in my life.  My heart isn't Nate's anymore. It hasn't been for awhile.

I even noticed The Boy when Nate was still kinda in the picture...which is a big thing b/c I was just not interested in noticing anyone other than Nate for most of our on-again-off-again-romance.

I just seriously don't understand why exes can't stay where they belong.  At least it's not...josh!!

Sick.

I somehow managed to come down with a wicked cold sometime around Wednesday afternoon/Thursday morning.

Basically, it started out as a sore throat, slowly the sniffles came on & it resulted in a pretty awful headcold Friday afternoon.

I was also on call for RVA (Rape Victims Adovocates) on Thursday from 7pm-7am & got a call around 4am & had to go to the hospital with the survivor & didn't get to leave till almost 8...3 hours of sleep on Thursday, directly following a much-later-than-usual night on Tuesday night probably didn't help.

Friday, I was at my parents & totally & completely miserable the whole night.  I could barely breathe & was beyond exhausted.  My parents were amused.

You'd think not feeling all that great would deter me from attempting any sort of workout...but you'd be wrong.  Thursday, I did a yoga class followed by about 20 minutes on the elliptical for some cardio...then, found a distraction in the form of an extremely cute boy. Whoops.

Friday I still attemtped a work out and my body basically rejected it. I should've left well-enough alone....but I'm too stupid and stubborn to do that.

Really, I haven't had a quality workout since, like, Monday.  Not okay.

I'm feeling SO much better...I guess 11 hours of sleep will do that to a person...now, I'm about to go get a pedicure b/c well...I haven't pampered myself in quite some time, so why not??

Whoa.

I like a boy!!

Miracles do happen!

I thought I was gonna spend a long time in self-imposed singleness, but it was only about a month & a half (longer if you count the time we weren't ACTUALLY together).'

Several guys have asked/alluded to wanting to take me out, but I wasn't interested but this guy...there was something different that made me accept when he asked me on a date & things have been moving nice and slow and in a positive direction ever since.

It's so nice to date easily. No wondering what I should say, how I should act, what I should do...just doing it.

It's even nicer having someone like me for me-the whole crazy, silly, feisty, stubborn, opinionated, strong-personality-ied self.

Whoa.

The "D" Word.

So, it's not secret I've developed a slight aversion to dating...ok maybe "developed" is the wrong word.
"have had for quite some time but recently was seriously reignited" is probably a lot more accurate.
after the Anthony & Nate debacles, I was pretty much done.
No more dating. No more relationships. No more heartbreak. Just not interested in what it had to offer.
Too bad that lasted only a month.
It was a quick, fairly easy-definitely not painless-but quick and easy getting over Nate the second time.
Taking a step back and taking emotions out of it, it was easy to see how actually NOT awesome he was, thus helping me to expedite what could've been a rather long process.
However, I met a cute guy on Friday and we went out on Sunday.
We (obviously) aren't dating yet, or anywhere close, but we are talking and flirting.
I'm enjoying myself. It's nice. I'm not running away or huddling in the fetal position in fear.
It really helps he seems to sense that I'm a flight risk of sorts and is not pushing anything too much.
Chatting at the gym yesterday, texting throughout the day today...not too much but not too little either.
I am enjoying re-learning what it feels to have a new crush, full of possibilities and the silly feelings that accompany it.
If I learned anything from the mess with Nate, it was not to push anything. (& okay, so maybe the New Boy & I kissed some on Sunday. I just like to find out if that works.)
To move slowly. To not  rush into a relationship. To give things time to grow and develop.
So, despite the fact it's obvious we are interested in each other, I'm just gonna let it go with this guy and see what happens.
I'm just proud of myself I'm not longer living in fear of dating.
This is big.

Hmm..

As I mentioned earlier, I'm going thru what I am calling an "existential crisis." I also mentioned way back when the book "The Happiness Project" I read in the beginning of the year.

Over the course of the past few months, this is something I've really been struggling with: happiness. contentment. peace. joy. all of those types of emotions. Not that I haven't been feeling them, because I totally have, but sometimes...not so much.  It's kind of a weird feeling, when you go from always being a happy person to...not. Now, some of this was brought on by an attempt at a new birth control, which legit made me CRAZY & I lasted a month on it, and a little bit of sadness from the whole Nate ordeal, but still.

I just started the next chapter of my life and the transition has been slightly terrifying, totally overwhelming, totally thrilling, inspiring a variety of emotion in me.

So. I decided to re-read "The Happiness Project." I love the idea & I've been toying around with the idea of doing my own version (likely shorter. I doubt I have don't have the focus to do it for a full year!!) but it's defintitely intriguing enough for me to want to do.

The first chapter she details what she calls her "Splendid Truths" & "Secrets of Adulthood." As I was reading I starting thinking of some of my own...except my "Secrets of Adulthood" are actually "Secrets of Your Mid/Late Twenties." (& b/c I am just not comfortable calling myself an adult quite yet.) Stay tuned, b/c I'm thinking this will be a fun project.