If only saying "i don't love you anymore" and 100% feeling "i don't love you anymore" actually occurred at the same time.
life would be so much easier.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
WTF is w/the weak boys?
I am tired of boys who are scared of strong women. And I mean "strong" in every sense of the word: physical, mental, emotional, personality.
That's not the way love is supposed to be, and that's definitely not the way I work, so despite the somewhat dramatic ending of our "casual" relationship (& subsequent attempts or whatever), I'm happy it's done. I DO wish him the best and happiness w/this girl, b/c I do care about him & know that he truly is a good guy-he just has to figure his stuff out, but I FINALLY get that he is not for me and I am not for him...a hard and painful thing to learn, but something I know to be true (REALLY. I can't give anymore chances and I have no trust left to give to him. We were truly not good for each other in practice, no matter how much we seemed like it on paper.)
I used "boys" intentionally...mostly b/c they ARE boys, if they can't handle a girl who lifts weights, is FINALLY getting rolling on her career, has opinions, states her needs/wants/feelings in a relationship, and isn't afraid to be herself. Only boys who are scared of something are afraid of strong women.
Nate and I are 1000000% done. We tried to be casual, feelings got pulled in, things went nuts, I thought we were fine, then he got back w/his ex and didn't tell me. From what I gathered, she and I are quite different. And also, from what I know of Nate, he ultimately wasn't a fan of the fact I stated I have certain needs or whatever, and wasn't interested in hearing it.
I am the first to admit (now, at least) that I gave up and tamped down important parts of myself in order to try and make him happy (mostly this most recent go around). As my therapist put it, I didn't so much as "roll with it" like I was hoping, but more let him "roll over me" instead. I agreed to something I was not comfortable with AT ALL (it never came to fruition, but I still agreed to it) because I wanted to make him happy, even though I wasn't particularly happy. I tried to make myself smaller to fit into his world, into his mold, into what I thought he wanted...I couldn't do it--because, I cannot & do not know how to be less of myself, a smaller version of myself, a quieter, more passive version of myself...that's not me, it doesn't exist, and I am not sorry for that at all.
That's not the way love is supposed to be, and that's definitely not the way I work, so despite the somewhat dramatic ending of our "casual" relationship (& subsequent attempts or whatever), I'm happy it's done. I DO wish him the best and happiness w/this girl, b/c I do care about him & know that he truly is a good guy-he just has to figure his stuff out, but I FINALLY get that he is not for me and I am not for him...a hard and painful thing to learn, but something I know to be true (REALLY. I can't give anymore chances and I have no trust left to give to him. We were truly not good for each other in practice, no matter how much we seemed like it on paper.)
Then, last Saturday, I went with Josh to his company's Christmas party & for the most part, just sat at the table, making the most of the open bar, but not really talking to many people other than when Josh was directly involved in the conversation. It was a good enough time, but I wasn't a fan of the fact I was basically just "arm candy" to quote Rick ("eye candy", as my mother says...who teaches her these terms??)
On Sunday morning, after we woke up, I was stretching & Josh grabbed my bicep & squeezed & was like "holy shit!" & me, being the little gym narcissist I am, was like "oh hey thanks!" (b/c I'm proud of my body, damnit! proud!) & Josh proceeds to say: "you need to lay off the curls!" I giggle, thinking he's kidding, but he says (I can't remember the exact quote, but it was close to this) "seriously! you could kick my ass! guys don't want a girl with muscles or who's stronger than them!"
Now, internally, the feminist in me was going crazy. WHAT?? WHO SAYS THAT? (Also, I have extensive data that shows the opposite is true). Then I had my thesis statement epiphany.
Guys who want to make women smaller aren't ready for a real relationship or a real woman, for that matter. I don't know why I let myself fall into the trap of trying to neglect and lose part of who I am in order to make a BOY happy. I stopped considering my needs important, my desires, my feelings, anything that had to do with me seemed to stop mattering/I ignored it, thinking that it would make me a better fit for Nate.
Clearly, that wasn't the case. Giving my up my love for lifting? NOT GONNA HAPPEN b/c some punk ass guy is too intimidated by the fact I could "kick his ass."
Basically, the #1 lesson I've FINALLY learned after all of this is simply that trying to make yourself FIT into a guy's IDEA of who & what you should be is absolutely ABSURD. This wasn't a problem for the longest time, but the past year or two have really been rough and I lost sight of myself.
No more. No more weak boys.
To quote Joanne & Maureen from Rent, "take me just as I am....take me or leave me."
On Sunday morning, after we woke up, I was stretching & Josh grabbed my bicep & squeezed & was like "holy shit!" & me, being the little gym narcissist I am, was like "oh hey thanks!" (b/c I'm proud of my body, damnit! proud!) & Josh proceeds to say: "you need to lay off the curls!" I giggle, thinking he's kidding, but he says (I can't remember the exact quote, but it was close to this) "seriously! you could kick my ass! guys don't want a girl with muscles or who's stronger than them!"
Now, internally, the feminist in me was going crazy. WHAT?? WHO SAYS THAT? (Also, I have extensive data that shows the opposite is true). Then I had my thesis statement epiphany.
Guys who want to make women smaller aren't ready for a real relationship or a real woman, for that matter. I don't know why I let myself fall into the trap of trying to neglect and lose part of who I am in order to make a BOY happy. I stopped considering my needs important, my desires, my feelings, anything that had to do with me seemed to stop mattering/I ignored it, thinking that it would make me a better fit for Nate.
Clearly, that wasn't the case. Giving my up my love for lifting? NOT GONNA HAPPEN b/c some punk ass guy is too intimidated by the fact I could "kick his ass."
Basically, the #1 lesson I've FINALLY learned after all of this is simply that trying to make yourself FIT into a guy's IDEA of who & what you should be is absolutely ABSURD. This wasn't a problem for the longest time, but the past year or two have really been rough and I lost sight of myself.
No more. No more weak boys.
To quote Joanne & Maureen from Rent, "take me just as I am....take me or leave me."
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
A Rant.
So this post is a long time coming. It's a topic that has become more frequently discussed recently on some of the health/fitness blogs I read, but I want to share my 2 cents too b/c, honestly, it's not discussed enough.
It is damn near impossible to know and understand what a "healthy body" is nowadays. There are attacks on people who are "too big", "too skinny", "too muscular", "too obsessed"...I am curious to see if the percentage of people-not just females-with eating disorders (Anorexia, Bullimia, EDNOS) has risen at all over the past year or two because of how just...insane the "fitness" motivation things are getting.
Obviously, it's no secret that I LOVE to work out. I usually workout 5 days a week, with rest days falling in there somewhere. I eat. A Lot. Constantly. I DO NOT adhere to any eating methods, like "clean eating" or "paleo" or "vegan" or whatever the hell else there is to do. I simply eat well...not great, but I'd say I eat healthier than 85% of the population. (True life: I just ate 2 Reeses as I typed up the first few paragraphs & I'm thinking a glass of wine is gonna be happening after this).
I eat what I crave-which is almost always something that I know is mostly healthy and filling. (and sometimes is chocolate or deep dish pizza). I "listen" to my body and what I want to eat. I know what makes my body happy, what fuels me, and what will make me feel gross or sick after I eat it. I drink almond milk over dairy now and have drastically cut back on my Starbucks/eating out habits. I rarely consume red meat nowadays, choosing to go for turkey, chicken, or some type of fish...however, I do love me a burger or a steak every once in a while. I don't feel guilty eating a seriously decadent dessert or dinner when my father comes to town to take me to a fancy restaurant or when my girlfriends & I go out for dinner or brunch or drinks...but I do notice a difference on how I feel the next day when I get up to hit the gym or go to work or whatever after a particularly indulgent or unhealthy meal. Typically, the next day, my body is almost DEMANDING lean meat, veggies, fruits & Greek yogurt (I could single handedly keep Chiobani in business. Not even kidding.) Thus, those outings/unhealthy food binges are not a regular occurrence, simply because my body knows what works best for it.
Did I always eat like this? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Have we met? I am not the world's greatest chef. I spent most of grad school getting my calories from Starbucks purchases, Digorino personal pizzas, or various Lean Cuisines. (I can eat none of that stuff now without seriously regretting it 20 minutes later). Since I have gotten more into fitness and health, I have noticed a dramatic shift in my eating habits. You NEED to eat what fuels YOU. No more pop tarts (ok, sometimes) or empty carbs (seriously. very rarely) or Lean Cuisines (I depended on them during my internship but had to bring another mini-meal b/c my metabolism is way too fast for those suckers to actually last).
I think feeling guilty about what you eat or limiting yourself on what you CAN eat is CRAZY. Do I respect the people in the fitness world who do eat clean or paleo in order to reach their goals? HECK YES. However, it's just not for me. I like carbs. I like cheese. I like chocolate. I need like wine. I like variety (which sucks, b/c it means I have to expand my cooking skillz). I love the concept of clean eating, but sometimes I find it boring. Sometimes, I find it delicious. I could never be vegan. I like cheese (but I already mentioned that). Some of the healthy recipes I find call for bizarre ingredients I don't have on hand or are pricey, or black beans in brownies (I have been assured they are tasty, buuut I don't like black beans and I don't care if my dessert is a lot of calories. I'm too busy drooling after it to care).
There is SUCH a fine line between healthy and healthy-masquerading-as-healthy. Part of the reason I don't dedicate more time to what I eat or adhere to any of those eating styles is because I know myself. Personally, (truly, I am not trying to be dramatic here), for me, I would quickly develop some type of eating disorder if I attempted to do one of those diets. I've toed the line of an eating disorder in the past-more than once-and I don't want to ever be that close again. It would be so easy to convince myself that wine, chocolate, etc were ALWAYS BAD and then that would just quickly spiral into craziness, so I stay away. I am constantly checking in with myself, making sure I'm eating enough and well, and there have actually been days when I've had an internal debate about chocolate or not, and usually end up eating it b/c I need to remind myself that it's OKAY to indulge...more than once a week.
Those "fitspo" motivation things flying all over Pinterest or Instagram? The ones that say "The chocolate you've wanted for an hour or the body you've wanted forever?" or "Hip bones or that burger?" or whatever equally ridiculous saying are SO SO unhealthy. To me, it's almost promoting eating disorders. It's totally destroying a healthy body image. It's making it virtually impossible for women to ever be satisfied and confident with their bodies b/c everyone thinks they "should" look like that "that." To be honest, I have abs, a nice ass, and toned legs-and I still eat chocolate multiple times a week. It's possible.
RIDICULOUS. I also have a HUGE issue with those posters that say "Real women have curves/hips/booties/etc"...uhm, excuse me. I'm as real as they come (minus the hair color. That is categorically not real) & I have very few curves. I have an amazing chest, extremely narrow hips, a small (but nice-thank you squats, deadlifts, and lunges) ass, slim (but toned) legs, rather broad shoulders, thin (toned) arms...WHO decided that curves make you a real women? It's not my fault I wasn't blessed with all around curves. My best friend, who is Hispanic, has amazing hips, thighs, and a booty-but small boobs. We always joke about how we want to be able to move things around-but alas, that is not possible.
Every woman everywhere probably wishes she could change something about her body (this may or may not be true). We can't help it. HOWEVER. I am finally at a point in my life where I can look in the mirror while I'm in my bra & undies & LOVE what I see. Sure, I think I maybe need to work my core (OBLIQUES!) a little more or do more squats or whatever, but I'm happy and confident with myself. I lay out in a bikini during the summer and I am not embarrassed. It's amazing.
I've heard that I'm too skinny. I've heard that I "lift too heavy for how tiny of a person you are" (thanks mom. I told her mentalities like that are why feminists exist. She wasn't pleased.) A lady at the gym a few weeks ago told me I was her motivation. Several trainers have genuinely (not in the 'i want to have sex with you' way) complimented me on how I look recently. Yeah, that's awesome (most of it). But all that matters is that I am happy with myself. I am confident. I will continue to workout and eat well and indulge and be confident in who I am, who I'm becoming, and what I'm doing.
There needs to be more of a movement when it comes to embracing and loving your body, no matter what. If you want to workout, or lose weight, or whatever, AMAZING. If you just want to tone, yes! If you want to lose weight so you can be healthy, I applaud you and will help you in anyway. I wish society would truly embrace the variety women's bodies and let us be proud of who were are and what we look like, as opposed to us constantly being inundated by ideas that often contradict each other.
Be proud of who you are. Be proud of your body-curves or no, tall or short, toned or not toned...be confident and strong and proud. You deserve it.
There is SUCH a fine line between healthy and healthy-masquerading-as-healthy. Part of the reason I don't dedicate more time to what I eat or adhere to any of those eating styles is because I know myself. Personally, (truly, I am not trying to be dramatic here), for me, I would quickly develop some type of eating disorder if I attempted to do one of those diets. I've toed the line of an eating disorder in the past-more than once-and I don't want to ever be that close again. It would be so easy to convince myself that wine, chocolate, etc were ALWAYS BAD and then that would just quickly spiral into craziness, so I stay away. I am constantly checking in with myself, making sure I'm eating enough and well, and there have actually been days when I've had an internal debate about chocolate or not, and usually end up eating it b/c I need to remind myself that it's OKAY to indulge...more than once a week.
Those "fitspo" motivation things flying all over Pinterest or Instagram? The ones that say "The chocolate you've wanted for an hour or the body you've wanted forever?" or "Hip bones or that burger?" or whatever equally ridiculous saying are SO SO unhealthy. To me, it's almost promoting eating disorders. It's totally destroying a healthy body image. It's making it virtually impossible for women to ever be satisfied and confident with their bodies b/c everyone thinks they "should" look like that "that." To be honest, I have abs, a nice ass, and toned legs-and I still eat chocolate multiple times a week. It's possible.
RIDICULOUS. I also have a HUGE issue with those posters that say "Real women have curves/hips/booties/etc"...uhm, excuse me. I'm as real as they come (minus the hair color. That is categorically not real) & I have very few curves. I have an amazing chest, extremely narrow hips, a small (but nice-thank you squats, deadlifts, and lunges) ass, slim (but toned) legs, rather broad shoulders, thin (toned) arms...WHO decided that curves make you a real women? It's not my fault I wasn't blessed with all around curves. My best friend, who is Hispanic, has amazing hips, thighs, and a booty-but small boobs. We always joke about how we want to be able to move things around-but alas, that is not possible.
Every woman everywhere probably wishes she could change something about her body (this may or may not be true). We can't help it. HOWEVER. I am finally at a point in my life where I can look in the mirror while I'm in my bra & undies & LOVE what I see. Sure, I think I maybe need to work my core (OBLIQUES!) a little more or do more squats or whatever, but I'm happy and confident with myself. I lay out in a bikini during the summer and I am not embarrassed. It's amazing.
I've heard that I'm too skinny. I've heard that I "lift too heavy for how tiny of a person you are" (thanks mom. I told her mentalities like that are why feminists exist. She wasn't pleased.) A lady at the gym a few weeks ago told me I was her motivation. Several trainers have genuinely (not in the 'i want to have sex with you' way) complimented me on how I look recently. Yeah, that's awesome (most of it). But all that matters is that I am happy with myself. I am confident. I will continue to workout and eat well and indulge and be confident in who I am, who I'm becoming, and what I'm doing.
There needs to be more of a movement when it comes to embracing and loving your body, no matter what. If you want to workout, or lose weight, or whatever, AMAZING. If you just want to tone, yes! If you want to lose weight so you can be healthy, I applaud you and will help you in anyway. I wish society would truly embrace the variety women's bodies and let us be proud of who were are and what we look like, as opposed to us constantly being inundated by ideas that often contradict each other.
Be proud of who you are. Be proud of your body-curves or no, tall or short, toned or not toned...be confident and strong and proud. You deserve it.
Monday, September 23, 2013
THAT Person.
We all have that one person in our life...that one person, that makes us fall to pieces emotionally, that sets our world upside down when we thought it was fine, the one person who makes us go "what if..." "i wonder..." "how different would my life be?", makes us question everything...
You know you had someone in mind when you read that. I could probably tell you who you're thinking of. ;-)
Intense relationships. Passionate relationships. Crazy relationships. Over and done and then over and done AGAIN relationships...still, there is that one guy.
It doesn't matter how over him you are, how much you've moved on-mentally, emotionally, physically- who you're with now (ok, so I'm not with anyone now & just recently had my first seriously physical encounter with someone since like, the end of May...but still), the reappearance totally throws you for a loop.
It's no one's fault. You can't help it. It doesn't mean you're not over him. It just means that this particular guy meant way more to you than anyone else ever did-till you find the love of your life.
I don't know why I LET him make me nuts. I really really don't. Why we cannot seem to stay away from each other. He's on track at this point to become Josh 2.0, although far less...josh-like. I don't know what he wants or needs or is hoping is going to happen.
I CAN resist him. I can. I CAN. And I will keep saying that until I truly believe it.
You know you had someone in mind when you read that. I could probably tell you who you're thinking of. ;-)
Intense relationships. Passionate relationships. Crazy relationships. Over and done and then over and done AGAIN relationships...still, there is that one guy.
It doesn't matter how over him you are, how much you've moved on-mentally, emotionally, physically- who you're with now (ok, so I'm not with anyone now & just recently had my first seriously physical encounter with someone since like, the end of May...but still), the reappearance totally throws you for a loop.
It's no one's fault. You can't help it. It doesn't mean you're not over him. It just means that this particular guy meant way more to you than anyone else ever did-till you find the love of your life.
I don't know why I LET him make me nuts. I really really don't. Why we cannot seem to stay away from each other. He's on track at this point to become Josh 2.0, although far less...josh-like. I don't know what he wants or needs or is hoping is going to happen.
I CAN resist him. I can. I CAN. And I will keep saying that until I truly believe it.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Exes. Sigh.
To the Ex-Boyfriends of the world:
Please realize you are an ex for a reason. I don't care how horny, lonely, bored, nostalgic, or how much you miss me, please, just...don't try and contact me.
If for some reason, you cannot help yourself, just do us both a favor & make your intentions known from the get-go. Don't send me some lame "how are you" text...if you wanna hook up, be honest. If you just want to say hi b/c you're feeling nostalgic, say so.
Don't send ambiguous texts that could mean a zillion things. As little as a month & a half ago, I would've caved so fast & responded & walked down this road...again. This time, I don't even feel the need to respond...am I curious? of course!! Also, I was a little annoyed..Like, WTF. we BROKE UP. I had such a sense of finality. Our conversation didn't really seem like there was any sort of possibility for us to reconcile again. But, yeah, I'm still a little curious as to what the eff he wants.
Sure, at one point, I thought Nate could be "it." & I know he felt the same about me too. But, we were both wrong. I took off my rose-colored glasses & was able to see the flaws in our relationship.
I'm happy. Like, really happy. Things are going well w/my career, my life in general, I'm DATING again...yeah, The Boy & I are like, brand new & not even really official or anything close to it, but the fact remains: there is someone else in my life. My heart isn't Nate's anymore. It hasn't been for awhile.
I even noticed The Boy when Nate was still kinda in the picture...which is a big thing b/c I was just not interested in noticing anyone other than Nate for most of our on-again-off-again-romance.
I just seriously don't understand why exes can't stay where they belong. At least it's not...josh!!
Please realize you are an ex for a reason. I don't care how horny, lonely, bored, nostalgic, or how much you miss me, please, just...don't try and contact me.
If for some reason, you cannot help yourself, just do us both a favor & make your intentions known from the get-go. Don't send me some lame "how are you" text...if you wanna hook up, be honest. If you just want to say hi b/c you're feeling nostalgic, say so.
Don't send ambiguous texts that could mean a zillion things. As little as a month & a half ago, I would've caved so fast & responded & walked down this road...again. This time, I don't even feel the need to respond...am I curious? of course!! Also, I was a little annoyed..Like, WTF. we BROKE UP. I had such a sense of finality. Our conversation didn't really seem like there was any sort of possibility for us to reconcile again. But, yeah, I'm still a little curious as to what the eff he wants.
Sure, at one point, I thought Nate could be "it." & I know he felt the same about me too. But, we were both wrong. I took off my rose-colored glasses & was able to see the flaws in our relationship.
I'm happy. Like, really happy. Things are going well w/my career, my life in general, I'm DATING again...yeah, The Boy & I are like, brand new & not even really official or anything close to it, but the fact remains: there is someone else in my life. My heart isn't Nate's anymore. It hasn't been for awhile.
I even noticed The Boy when Nate was still kinda in the picture...which is a big thing b/c I was just not interested in noticing anyone other than Nate for most of our on-again-off-again-romance.
I just seriously don't understand why exes can't stay where they belong. At least it's not...josh!!
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Sick.
I somehow managed to come down with a wicked cold sometime around Wednesday afternoon/Thursday morning.
Basically, it started out as a sore throat, slowly the sniffles came on & it resulted in a pretty awful headcold Friday afternoon.
I was also on call for RVA (Rape Victims Adovocates) on Thursday from 7pm-7am & got a call around 4am & had to go to the hospital with the survivor & didn't get to leave till almost 8...3 hours of sleep on Thursday, directly following a much-later-than-usual night on Tuesday night probably didn't help.
Friday, I was at my parents & totally & completely miserable the whole night. I could barely breathe & was beyond exhausted. My parents were amused.
You'd think not feeling all that great would deter me from attempting any sort of workout...but you'd be wrong. Thursday, I did a yoga class followed by about 20 minutes on the elliptical for some cardio...then, found a distraction in the form of an extremely cute boy. Whoops.
Friday I still attemtped a work out and my body basically rejected it. I should've left well-enough alone....but I'm too stupid and stubborn to do that.
Really, I haven't had a quality workout since, like, Monday. Not okay.
I'm feeling SO much better...I guess 11 hours of sleep will do that to a person...now, I'm about to go get a pedicure b/c well...I haven't pampered myself in quite some time, so why not??
Basically, it started out as a sore throat, slowly the sniffles came on & it resulted in a pretty awful headcold Friday afternoon.
I was also on call for RVA (Rape Victims Adovocates) on Thursday from 7pm-7am & got a call around 4am & had to go to the hospital with the survivor & didn't get to leave till almost 8...3 hours of sleep on Thursday, directly following a much-later-than-usual night on Tuesday night probably didn't help.
Friday, I was at my parents & totally & completely miserable the whole night. I could barely breathe & was beyond exhausted. My parents were amused.
You'd think not feeling all that great would deter me from attempting any sort of workout...but you'd be wrong. Thursday, I did a yoga class followed by about 20 minutes on the elliptical for some cardio...then, found a distraction in the form of an extremely cute boy. Whoops.
Friday I still attemtped a work out and my body basically rejected it. I should've left well-enough alone....but I'm too stupid and stubborn to do that.
Really, I haven't had a quality workout since, like, Monday. Not okay.
I'm feeling SO much better...I guess 11 hours of sleep will do that to a person...now, I'm about to go get a pedicure b/c well...I haven't pampered myself in quite some time, so why not??
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Whoa.
I like a boy!!
Miracles do happen!
I thought I was gonna spend a long time in self-imposed singleness, but it was only about a month & a half (longer if you count the time we weren't ACTUALLY together).'
Several guys have asked/alluded to wanting to take me out, but I wasn't interested but this guy...there was something different that made me accept when he asked me on a date & things have been moving nice and slow and in a positive direction ever since.
It's so nice to date easily. No wondering what I should say, how I should act, what I should do...just doing it.
It's even nicer having someone like me for me-the whole crazy, silly, feisty, stubborn, opinionated, strong-personality-ied self.
Whoa.
Miracles do happen!
I thought I was gonna spend a long time in self-imposed singleness, but it was only about a month & a half (longer if you count the time we weren't ACTUALLY together).'
Several guys have asked/alluded to wanting to take me out, but I wasn't interested but this guy...there was something different that made me accept when he asked me on a date & things have been moving nice and slow and in a positive direction ever since.
It's so nice to date easily. No wondering what I should say, how I should act, what I should do...just doing it.
It's even nicer having someone like me for me-the whole crazy, silly, feisty, stubborn, opinionated, strong-personality-ied self.
Whoa.
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