if only.

If only saying "i don't love you anymore" and 100% feeling "i don't love you anymore" actually occurred at the same time.

life would be so much easier.

WTF is w/the weak boys?

I am tired of boys who are scared of strong women.  And I mean "strong" in every sense of the word: physical, mental, emotional, personality.

I used "boys" intentionally...mostly b/c they ARE boys, if they can't handle a girl who lifts weights, is FINALLY getting rolling on her career, has opinions, states her needs/wants/feelings in a relationship, and isn't afraid to be herself.  Only boys who are scared of something are afraid of strong women.

Nate and I are 1000000% done. We tried to be casual, feelings got pulled in, things went nuts, I thought we were fine, then he got back w/his ex and didn't tell me.  From what I gathered, she and I are quite different. And also, from what I know of Nate, he ultimately wasn't a fan of the fact I stated I have certain needs or whatever, and wasn't interested in hearing it.

I am the first to admit (now, at least) that I gave up and tamped down important parts of myself in order to try and make him happy (mostly this most recent go around).  As my therapist put it, I didn't so much as "roll with it" like I was hoping, but more let him "roll over me" instead. I agreed to something I was not comfortable with AT ALL (it never came to fruition, but I still agreed to it) because I wanted to make him happy, even though I wasn't particularly happy.  I tried to make myself smaller to fit into his world, into his mold, into what I thought he wanted...I couldn't do it--because, I cannot & do not know how to be less of myself, a smaller version of myself, a quieter, more passive version of myself...that's not me, it doesn't exist, and I am not sorry for that at all.

That's not the way love is supposed to be, and that's definitely not the way I work, so despite the somewhat dramatic ending of our "casual" relationship (& subsequent attempts or whatever), I'm happy it's done.  I DO wish him the best and happiness w/this girl, b/c I do care about him & know that he truly is a good guy-he just has to figure his stuff out, but I FINALLY get that he is not for me and I am not for him...a hard and painful thing to learn, but something I know to be true (REALLY.  I can't give anymore chances and I have no trust left to give to him.  We were truly not good for each other in practice, no matter how much we seemed like it on paper.)

Then,  last Saturday, I went with Josh to his company's Christmas party & for the most part, just sat at the table, making the most of the open bar, but not really talking to many people other than when Josh was directly involved in the conversation.  It was a good enough time, but I wasn't a fan of the fact I was basically just "arm candy" to quote Rick ("eye candy", as my mother says...who teaches her these terms??)

On Sunday morning, after we woke up, I was stretching & Josh grabbed my bicep & squeezed & was like "holy shit!" & me, being the little gym narcissist I am, was like "oh hey thanks!" (b/c I'm proud of my body, damnit! proud!) & Josh proceeds to say: "you need to lay off the curls!" I giggle, thinking he's kidding, but he says (I can't remember the exact quote, but it was close to this) "seriously! you could kick my ass! guys don't want a girl with muscles or who's stronger than them!"

Now, internally, the feminist in me was going crazy.  WHAT?? WHO SAYS THAT? (Also, I have extensive data that shows the opposite is true). Then I had my thesis statement epiphany.

Guys who want to make women smaller aren't ready for a real relationship or a real woman, for that matter.  I don't know why I let myself fall into the trap of trying to neglect and lose part of who I am in order to make a BOY happy.   I stopped considering my needs important, my desires, my feelings, anything that had to do with me seemed to stop mattering/I ignored it, thinking that it would make me a better fit for Nate.

Clearly, that wasn't the case.  Giving my up my love for lifting? NOT GONNA HAPPEN b/c some punk ass guy is too intimidated by the fact I could "kick his ass."

Basically, the #1 lesson I've FINALLY learned after all of this is simply that trying to make yourself FIT into a guy's IDEA of who & what you should be is absolutely ABSURD. This wasn't a problem for the longest time, but the past year or two have really been rough and I lost sight of myself.

No more. No more weak boys.

To quote Joanne & Maureen from Rent, "take me just as I am....take me or leave me."