Missing Piece Found

Life is funny.

Like, really really really funny.

People you thought would matter forever have faded almost entirely out of your life, leaving nothing but distant memories that are almost too sad to think about.

People you never thought would be more than a "class friend" become your "heterosexual life partners" & one of your anchors in life.

That guy you thought you were going to marry becomes another ex who really was just a jester masquerading as a knight.

You feel like a visitor in the town you spent the first 23 years of your life. 

The house you grew up in is now referred to as "mom & dad's".

Your postage stamp of an apartment becomes "my house."

The city you were always fascinated by as a child is now home and STILL fascinates you... even more now.

The gym you joined at the needling of your besties becomes your solace, second home, your happy place.

The hobby you picked up so you could lose a few pounds becomes a deep passion.

The ideal career path you had planned out for yourself suddenly seems like it may not be enough.

At least life is never boring.  Don't get me wrong... I LOVE what I do.  I can't imagine not doing it.  However, lately, I've been feeling antsy. Unsettled. Like I am waiting for something.  I wasn't sure what.  I was feeling like I was missing a critical piece. Maybe critical pieceS.

I think this piece is just a small piece of what I was looking for, as I believe we are constantly and forever growing, learning, changing. Sometimes it is easy to find our missing pieces.  Sometimes, it is a battle and a struggle and exhausting, but it is always worth it.

I am currently toying with the idea of getting my personal training certification and then threading that in with therapeutic practice.  Possibly I would want to actually be a personal trainer at a gym, but I am undecided on that. I firmly believe in a holistic approach to "fixing" yourself and I know it could be a really awesome way to combine two things I love.

I'm researching CPT programs, ways to combine fitness & therapy, and all that jazz.  I'm going to be meeting with someone in the next little while to ask how she got started doing it and what she hopes to do with it and go from there.

I apparently intend to really have the entire alphabet after my name.

Single Girl Solidarity.

I had dinner with some friends in Schererville on Friday night.  Mary and I have been friends since I was 20 & though we don't see each other often, we have still stayed close.

I had talked to her briefly a few weeks ago and she asked if I was dating anyone. I snorted & said "no." (classy, aren't I?) She then casually mentioned her fiancée's good friend who is also single and said we should meet.  I wasn't able to visit the weekend she had in mind, and I promptly forgot about the guy.

Fast forward to last Friday, and this guy is at dinner with us. ABSOLUTELY not an issue, I get along with just about everyone. (Most days.). He was a nice enough kid, I guess... but he said approximately 50 words total, maybe 7 of them directed at me.  He look PETRIFIED of me.  Petrified. I wanted to tell him I wasn't gonna bite him or anything & to loosen up, but I figured that would be counterproductive.

Mary informed me that he'd been married in the past (uhm, what?), had served overseas for 4 years (2 in Afghanistan, 2 in Germany) & now he worked with Tony.  He also smokes.

NONE of those things are indicative of a guy whom I'd be interested in.  I have nothing but the utmost, deepest respect and admiration of those who serve our country overseas, but I deal with people with tons of baggage in my career, I have no interest in doing in my personal life. (Harsh? Maybe.  But leaving work at work won't happen if I came home to a man w/PTSD). He was also married. And divorced. RECENTLY. At 27. No thanks. And he is a smoker. I dated a smoker once upon a time.  He rarely smoked around me & tried to avoid it if I was going to be home so I wouldn't be annoyed.  But I've always considered that a deal breaker. It's just gross. And smelly. And deadly. And expensive.

ANWYAY. I digress.  

The point of that anecdote was to lead into a struggle I've been facing recently.  I mean, it's been a thing for pretty much EVER, but now, being 27 & happily single, it's kind of exploded. Not in a good way or a fun way.  In a "I want to punch anyone who mentions dating to me" kind of way.

Yes. I AM single.  Yes. I'm happy and content with it. Yes. I am ready to date again, if a worthwhile opportunity presented itself to me.

NO, I do NOT need every person I know to feel sorry for me or try to set me up or offer me their opinions on MY singleness.  You're not doing me a favor or helping or anything.  You're pissing me off.  You're making me dig my heels in. You're making me want to shun any suitor you may think of for me.

Being single is not a disease.  It is not depression-inducing.  It is not me, crying alone every weekend into a bottle of wine & a pint of Ben & Jerry's.  It is not me serial dating everything that passes my way, hoping something sticks.  It is not me settling for a shitty guy b/c he is there.

For me, being single is: working out 5 days a week.  Getting stronger, mentally, physically, emotionally. It is me slowly coming back to church and Christ and remembering how important those things are.  It is me living alone, taking care of myself-doing my own laundry, cleaning my apartment, learning how to cook-being INDEPENDENT. It is me slooooowly but surely getting my career on the path to really moving. It is me booking a hotel in Indy to be reunited with a friend I haven't seen in over a year, and doing so without having to factor in anyone else in the mix.  It is me, growing as a person, continuing to discover who I am and what new passions I have discovered.

Singleness for me is not a tragedy. It is an adventure... sometimes, it's a train wreck.

I understand my non-single friends are happy in their relationships. They are in love and want everyone else around them to be as happy & in love as they are.  And that's so so so great.  HOWEVER, I do not need people to take it upon themselves to set me up with someone just b/c they are single too.  I do not need people to "interview" the next guy I'm interested in to make sure he is acceptable. (**The guys don't usually reveal they suck till the relationship is already underway, anyway).

I appreciate the sentiment, I really do.  However, it can feel a little... condescending, judgmental, and tedious.  If there is TRULY a guy someone thinks I'd TRULY be a good match for, I am more than willing to give it a shot.  If you're bringing me around a guy JUST because he's single, then I have a problem.  (I have spent copious amounts of time with Lewis's hot, single friends.  They are still hot and single. I am still hot and single.) There needs to be more in common than "ooh! Single people!"

I am not interested in online dating b/c people think it will work for me. Excuse me? What does THAT mean? To me, it implies that I am not really succeeding in meeting guys the "normal" way, so I have to turn to something "inorganic." (My favorite way to describe my disinterest in online dating). The problem is not MEETING guys. It's what happens after the initial honey moon attraction wears off.  I think that happens even in online dating.  Meeting someone on eharmony may be less stressful than meeting someone in a face to face setting, but the pressure of dating once you make contact? The same.  I don't think online dating or not online dating is going to hinder me from meeting the love of my life.  Just saying.

I mentioned I'm ready to date.  This is big.  I know the ending w/Nate seems like it wasn't long ago (it wasn't) but since I had already been over it, just not aware of it, the grieving process was like, the drive home and done. 

But does being ready to date mean I'm out, prowling the frigid streets of Chicago, looking for eligible bachelors? HA. No. (I avoid the frigid streets at all costs.) But even if it wasn't freezing out, I still wouldn't be actively looking. I think actively looking for someone makes it harder to find someone because you are trying so so hard. Things are better when they happen naturally.  Like when the cute boy you've been exchanging smiles with for over a month finally comes up and introduces himself to you. THAT is great and fun and exciting... how it should be.

Non-single people need to stop making their single friends their projects.  They need to stop worrying about us being sad and lonely and broken and lost and constantly looking for "the one." They need to see us as ourselves, as equals, as their happy, vibrant, sexy, fun single friends who are living life their way. 

I do not need a guy to MAKE me happy, or whole, or whatever.  I need a guy who can ADD to my happiness, makes my life MORE whole.  My happiness is not contingent on being in a relationship.  THAT is what I wish my non-single friends understood. 

"And, THAT, my friend, is what they call closure"

I'm a therapist.  My career is helping people change their lives for the better, work through things they may be struggling with, let go of things-past relationships, bitterness, anger, and so on, to "feel their feelings," so to speak.  I love it.  I'm not sure I could be truly happy doing anything else. (Except maybe being a personal trainer, but that's just b/c fitness is my other love).

Ironically, I am not always great at doing that myself. Until recently.  If you know me well, you know that I have been holding on to Nate (and him to me) for the past year, despite all evidence showing we should let go of each other. 

I went to see him last weekend (2 weekends ago?). He had texted me that he wanted to see me and for whatever reason, I said yes. I did not tell ANYONE I was going to see him. I knew it was something I needed to do for myself.  He & I had never truly had closure, having had most of "final" conversations over the phone/text and I desperately needed an answer that was untainted by any of my friends negative, hate-filled opinions.

As soon as I agreed to go see him, I had an unsettled feeling about it.  I almost cancelled, but I knew the unsettled feeling needed to be explored, and would come back up again if ignored.  I needed an answer.

Long story short, we wound up starting to fool around-and then we stopped.  Neither one of us was really feeling it. It was just like... going thru the motions.  So it didn't happen. Then we had a long, long, LONG talk that was way overdue & that should have happened months ago.

We let each other go.  We both realized that we were trying to hold on to something that wasn't there anymore, and hadn't been there for a while.  While we still have chemistry, that's not all you need.  You need trust, passion, friendship... just so much. We both like having the each other in our lives, but it is just not in the cards for us.  As Nate put it, we tried to make it work too many times and ruined our chances at a friendship.

I cried when I left.  Nate looked like he wanted to, but he is a dude, so he didn't.  He just gave me a huge hug while I cried on his shoulder & told him that even though I know this is the right thing & what needs to happen, it doesn't mean it's particularly easy & that I was gonna miss him.  He said likewise.

HOWEVER, as I drove away, still sniffling, I felt light. Free. Happy. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.   It was a bizarre moment.  In fact, one of my dearest friends had recently began a blog describing her spiritual journey as of late, and how she had been struggling working through a break up and what she had been learning... and it resonated so much with me, I was in near hysterics when I was reading the entries. 

Her ex wasn't a Christian either, and she talked about how she never invited him to church.  He pursued her and was amazing for the first bit of her relationship and then... he fizzled it out.  Much like Nate.  They tried and admitted defeat when it didn't work out... unlike Nate and I.

It was hard to admit to myself that I had been ignoring things, and that Nate ultimately was a barrier to a healthy life and a healthy relationship with not only myself, but more importantly, with Christ.  I unintentionally decided that Nate was more important than the truly important things.

I went to church for the first time in over a month on Sunday. It was incredible, exactly what I needed and there were tears. 

This chorus is what got me:
"At the cross you beckon me/
Draw me gently to my knees/
I'm lost for words/
So lost in love/
Wholly broken/
Sweetly surrendered."

Wholly broken. Sweetly surrendered.

Wow.  I have been thinking about those lyrics non-stop the past day and a half and probably will continue to do so for the next week.  It is something that I've been ruminating on, and knowing that it is something I've been failing to do.

Letting go of Nate was a huge thing I needed to surrender, and I am already feeling the blessings from doing so.

Closure in one thing leads to a million open doors in other aspects and I'm extremely excited to see what comes next.

Confessions.

As I was flirting w/the cute boy at GNC today, I had an interesting realization: this is the first time in well over a year I've been 100% boy-free.

No boyfriend. No palate cleanser. No potential. 100% single. Weird.

Time for a confession: I'm sad. Really really sad. I miss Nate. I miss Rick. I miss having someone.  BUT... I like being single.  I don't understand myself.

I know, I know, everyone probably thinks it is absurd that I miss Nate... but it was not all bad. A lot of it was great. Really great.  But also, this exact time last year, we were doing the "brand new" thing and I'm constantly getting hit with waves of nostalgia. & memories of how much I was loving what was happening last year. Maybe after this week, my nostalgia will abate some and I will go back to missing Nate abstractly instead of so painfully.


I miss Rick b/c he was perfect and he wanted and encouraged me to be myself. He remembered everything I ever said to him-which I always felt was disconcerting at first, but then came to appreciate.  I liked how I felt when I was with him, all the time.

In all honesty, I truly think that really, I miss having someone to talk to, to call/text every day, to snuggle, kiss, and do all those couple-y things with. I do NOT miss the insanity that relationships bring, the "what now?" and all those thoughts.  HOWEVER, sometimes, I think it I really do just miss the guys themselves.

I like being single because I like being independent, I like being selfish (gasp!) & not having to worry about other people when I make plans, or when I sign up for RVA shifts, or when my schedule at CAFRCC fills up like crazy and I'm working like a crazy woman, I won't have to feel guilty.  I  LIKE that.

And it's because I like both things (relationships and single life) that I can say I'm probably safer being single right now. I'm still sad about an ex! An ex who caused me heartbreak, but an ex who also, ironically enough, was the first guy I was in love with since I was 20. I'm not the kind of person who believes that jumping to a new relationship is the best way to get over an old relationship. Therefore, I'm staying single right now. Remembering I love myself and who I am and what I am becoming. I don't need someone else to love me to feel like a real person, I handle that just fine by myself. 

All of these things, added up, on top of the fact that I haven't been able to leave my house without several extra layers of clothing since December, have lead to me being a very sad girl for the past few days.  Doesn't help that EVERYONE seems to have paired off recently and I'm over here like "I PR-ed my deadlift this week!!"  This funk will pass, I know it will,, and I'm ready for it to do so.

27 Things.

I turned 27 last week...and subsequently had a mini-meltdown... ok, well, I had a meltdown for several days prior to it, but on my actual birthday, I was excited and happy.

27.  It just seems so... old.  I am only THREE years from 30. I'm in my late twenties. And that is crazy intimidating. It (again) made me hyper aware of how my friends and I are in SO many different places.  Some Most are married. Some Most of those have children. Some own houses. Some are looking to buy houses.  Some of my non-married friends are single, some are dating, some are SERIOUSLY dating. 

Me? I'm doing the single thing, with a little bit of a crush, concentrating on getting started on my new job (FINALLY), improving my strength and dedication to the gym (ALWAYS), and trying to figure out what exactly what I want out of life.

Incidentally, my birthday and the end of the year occur days apart and usually this fact is just 'meh' but with my meltdown about 27, I got a little more retrospective.

Admittedly, 25 & 26 were pretty rough years in my life: relationally, career-wise, emotionally... I just struggled a bit.  I was lost. I didn't remember who I was, forgot what I wanted, what mattered, who mattered....I struggled to get my career off the ground and moving in an upwardly mobile way (FINALLY heading there! Woot!) I found myself in situation that I likely wouldn't have stood for a few years ago. Again... lost.

So. I composed a list of goals/thoughts/ideas/hopes that I have for myself for this year/future years to come.

1. As I told my therapist, I plan on making 27 a great year (mostly b/c I'm scared of it) & "reclaim my sense of internal locus of control," which basically means I'm going to return to being the girl who makes things happen instead of the girl who lets things happen to her, passively, without feeling like she has any control.  I'm a firm believer that thoughts and attitudes greatly impact your life and what can/will/does happen to you.  I used to be a much more positive person. I want that back.

2. Stop being afraid to let myself be truly happy.

3. Stop running from quality, awesome guys. (I did this over the summer, returning to someone I knew who was only gonna screw me up again. If I believed in regrets, letting this guy go would be at the top of the list)

4. Don't be afraid to put myself out there, when I could potentially be hurt. That's how we learn. And grow.  (I've done this most of my life with disappointing results) & despite the drama that was Nate, I am actually proud of myself for doing it.

5.  Get back to church more regularly.  I know if I say "every Sunday", I'm setting myself up for failure, but I do want to get back into going... maybe even actually get involved in a small group. Maybe.

6. Start lifting heavier at the gym... I lift moderately heavy now, but really, I tend to plateau at certain weights, and nothing is wrong with lifting heavy and it's been a goal of mine for a while.

7. Learn how to do a pull up.

8. Don't let anyone dull my sparkle. Cliché, I know, but the past few guys I've dated (with the exception of one-the one I messed up w/cuz of Nate) have made me feel like I needed to make myself smaller in order to fit what THEY wanted.

9. Leave the past in the past.  While I do think there is something to be said for timing (cue epic HIMYM quote), most things are in the past of a reason. (I would give my regret one more go... if he would do the same for me)

10. Go on more dates. Whether they are good dates or bad dates, I seem to be afraid of them. This ties in with #4.

11. Remember that I love myself. I don't need to change myself, make myself smaller, or do anything that would potentially make my uncomfortable.

12. Get settled in my career/job. 

13. Make sure I don't use my career/job as an excuse to hide from dates/my feelings.

14. Stop being afraid of my feelings.  My therapist and I are working on me being more emotionally available. Ironically, I make my living helping people learn how to properly express their's but I am AWFUL at doing it myself.

15. Actually start using my savings account for it's true purpose-SAVING for the future (an townhouse, a new car, etc) & not  for a pair of hot shoes or a hot dress.

16. TRAVEL.  I LOVE traveling, but I haven't been able to go anywhere really thrilling recently. I'm not talking Vegas or Colorado or Virginal to visit friends, since I can do that for fairly cheap price.  But my parents recently went to Europe and I'm dying to visit Italy. Always have been. And I want to visit before I'm 53.

17. Go skydiving.  I've always ALWAYS wanted to, and I have friends I know would go with me... what's holding me back?

18. Do one thing a month that scares me... big or little.

19. Continue to learn how to cook. I'm doing a pretty damn good job of it, but I tend to rotate the same several dishes (I'm at risk of becoming my mother in terms of her culinary skills hahahaha)

20. STOP USING GRUB HUB SO MUCH!!! I don't really need to order Indian every other week, do I?

21.  Once or twice a month, do something new in this city: new restaurant, visit a new area, go to a new bar, new comedy club... whatever. I live in the best city in the country (in my expert opinion) but I do not always work it to my advantage.  While I do not love Chicago winters, I LOVE it in the summer. (If you live here, you are aware you develop amnesia where the winter is concerned b/c the summers are so amazing. If you remember how much the winters suck, you would move away)

22. Try to be more social. Make more friends. I have had this conversation with many people: how do you make friends when you're an adult? When you're in school or whatever, friends are easy... they are literally RIGHT there. Minimal work. How do you successfully make friends when you are 27?

23. Become financially independent... or, slightly more financially independent than I am right now.  I'm 27. I need to get it together.

24. Read more classic, famous literature.  I am forever reading, but there are so many classic books I haven't ever read.

25. This may contradict my statement about savings, but have one extravagant purchase for myself. I'm 27. I'm single. I'm about to start a great job. I'm not always going to be able to say that. Even if it makes me seem silly and shallow, it's still something.

26. Continue to volunteer work, donate more, and continuing to give back.

27. Be happy, fit, active, loving, strong, independent, and myself... refuse to settle for anything than less than I know I deserve, and continue with my goal of making 27 & 2014 an amazing year.

if only.

If only saying "i don't love you anymore" and 100% feeling "i don't love you anymore" actually occurred at the same time.

life would be so much easier.

WTF is w/the weak boys?

I am tired of boys who are scared of strong women.  And I mean "strong" in every sense of the word: physical, mental, emotional, personality.

I used "boys" intentionally...mostly b/c they ARE boys, if they can't handle a girl who lifts weights, is FINALLY getting rolling on her career, has opinions, states her needs/wants/feelings in a relationship, and isn't afraid to be herself.  Only boys who are scared of something are afraid of strong women.

Nate and I are 1000000% done. We tried to be casual, feelings got pulled in, things went nuts, I thought we were fine, then he got back w/his ex and didn't tell me.  From what I gathered, she and I are quite different. And also, from what I know of Nate, he ultimately wasn't a fan of the fact I stated I have certain needs or whatever, and wasn't interested in hearing it.

I am the first to admit (now, at least) that I gave up and tamped down important parts of myself in order to try and make him happy (mostly this most recent go around).  As my therapist put it, I didn't so much as "roll with it" like I was hoping, but more let him "roll over me" instead. I agreed to something I was not comfortable with AT ALL (it never came to fruition, but I still agreed to it) because I wanted to make him happy, even though I wasn't particularly happy.  I tried to make myself smaller to fit into his world, into his mold, into what I thought he wanted...I couldn't do it--because, I cannot & do not know how to be less of myself, a smaller version of myself, a quieter, more passive version of myself...that's not me, it doesn't exist, and I am not sorry for that at all.

That's not the way love is supposed to be, and that's definitely not the way I work, so despite the somewhat dramatic ending of our "casual" relationship (& subsequent attempts or whatever), I'm happy it's done.  I DO wish him the best and happiness w/this girl, b/c I do care about him & know that he truly is a good guy-he just has to figure his stuff out, but I FINALLY get that he is not for me and I am not for him...a hard and painful thing to learn, but something I know to be true (REALLY.  I can't give anymore chances and I have no trust left to give to him.  We were truly not good for each other in practice, no matter how much we seemed like it on paper.)

Then,  last Saturday, I went with Josh to his company's Christmas party & for the most part, just sat at the table, making the most of the open bar, but not really talking to many people other than when Josh was directly involved in the conversation.  It was a good enough time, but I wasn't a fan of the fact I was basically just "arm candy" to quote Rick ("eye candy", as my mother says...who teaches her these terms??)

On Sunday morning, after we woke up, I was stretching & Josh grabbed my bicep & squeezed & was like "holy shit!" & me, being the little gym narcissist I am, was like "oh hey thanks!" (b/c I'm proud of my body, damnit! proud!) & Josh proceeds to say: "you need to lay off the curls!" I giggle, thinking he's kidding, but he says (I can't remember the exact quote, but it was close to this) "seriously! you could kick my ass! guys don't want a girl with muscles or who's stronger than them!"

Now, internally, the feminist in me was going crazy.  WHAT?? WHO SAYS THAT? (Also, I have extensive data that shows the opposite is true). Then I had my thesis statement epiphany.

Guys who want to make women smaller aren't ready for a real relationship or a real woman, for that matter.  I don't know why I let myself fall into the trap of trying to neglect and lose part of who I am in order to make a BOY happy.   I stopped considering my needs important, my desires, my feelings, anything that had to do with me seemed to stop mattering/I ignored it, thinking that it would make me a better fit for Nate.

Clearly, that wasn't the case.  Giving my up my love for lifting? NOT GONNA HAPPEN b/c some punk ass guy is too intimidated by the fact I could "kick his ass."

Basically, the #1 lesson I've FINALLY learned after all of this is simply that trying to make yourself FIT into a guy's IDEA of who & what you should be is absolutely ABSURD. This wasn't a problem for the longest time, but the past year or two have really been rough and I lost sight of myself.

No more. No more weak boys.

To quote Joanne & Maureen from Rent, "take me just as I am....take me or leave me."