Ironically, I am not always great at doing that myself. Until recently. If you know me well, you know that I have been holding on to Nate (and him to me) for the past year, despite all evidence showing we should let go of each other.
I went to see him last weekend (2 weekends ago?). He had texted me that he wanted to see me and for whatever reason, I said yes. I did not tell ANYONE I was going to see him. I knew it was something I needed to do for myself. He & I had never truly had closure, having had most of "final" conversations over the phone/text and I desperately needed an answer that was untainted by any of my friends
As soon as I agreed to go see him, I had an unsettled feeling about it. I almost cancelled, but I knew the unsettled feeling needed to be explored, and would come back up again if ignored. I needed an answer.
Long story short, we wound up starting to fool around-and then we stopped. Neither one of us was really feeling it. It was just like... going thru the motions. So it didn't happen. Then we had a long, long, LONG talk that was way overdue & that should have happened months ago.
We let each other go. We both realized that we were trying to hold on to something that wasn't there anymore, and hadn't been there for a while. While we still have chemistry, that's not all you need. You need trust, passion, friendship... just so much. We both like having the each other in our lives, but it is just not in the cards for us. As Nate put it, we tried to make it work too many times and ruined our chances at a friendship.
I cried when I left. Nate looked like he wanted to, but he is a dude, so he didn't. He just gave me a huge hug while I cried on his shoulder & told him that even though I know this is the right thing & what needs to happen, it doesn't mean it's particularly easy & that I was gonna miss him. He said likewise.
HOWEVER, as I drove away, still sniffling, I felt light. Free. Happy. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was a bizarre moment. In fact, one of my dearest friends had recently began a blog describing her spiritual journey as of late, and how she had been struggling working through a break up and what she had been learning... and it resonated so much with me, I was in near hysterics when I was reading the entries.
Her ex wasn't a Christian either, and she talked about how she never invited him to church. He pursued her and was amazing for the first bit of her relationship and then... he fizzled it out. Much like Nate. They tried and admitted defeat when it didn't work out... unlike Nate and I.
It was hard to admit to myself that I had been ignoring things, and that Nate ultimately was a barrier to a healthy life and a healthy relationship with not only myself, but more importantly, with Christ. I unintentionally decided that Nate was more important than the truly important things.
I went to church for the first time in over a month on Sunday. It was incredible, exactly what I needed and there were tears.
This chorus is what got me:
"At the cross you beckon me/
Draw me gently to my knees/
I'm lost for words/
So lost in love/
Wholly broken/
Sweetly surrendered."
Wholly broken. Sweetly surrendered.
Wow. I have been thinking about those lyrics non-stop the past day and a half and probably will continue to do so for the next week. It is something that I've been ruminating on, and knowing that it is something I've been failing to do.
Letting go of Nate was a huge thing I needed to surrender, and I am already feeling the blessings from doing so.
Closure in one thing leads to a million open doors in other aspects and I'm extremely excited to see what comes next.
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