I had dinner with some friends in Schererville on Friday night. Mary and I have been friends since I was 20 & though we don't see each other often, we have still stayed close.
I had talked to her briefly a few weeks ago and she asked if I was dating anyone. I snorted & said "no." (classy, aren't I?) She then casually mentioned her fiancée's good friend who is also single and said we should meet. I wasn't able to visit the weekend she had in mind, and I promptly forgot about the guy.
Fast forward to last Friday, and this guy is at dinner with us. ABSOLUTELY not an issue, I get along with just about everyone. (Most days.). He was a nice enough kid, I guess... but he said approximately 50 words total, maybe 7 of them directed at me. He look PETRIFIED of me. Petrified. I wanted to tell him I wasn't gonna bite him or anything & to loosen up, but I figured that would be counterproductive.
Mary informed me that he'd been married in the past (uhm, what?), had served overseas for 4 years (2 in Afghanistan, 2 in Germany) & now he worked with Tony. He also smokes.
NONE of those things are indicative of a guy whom I'd be interested in. I have nothing but the utmost, deepest respect and admiration of those who serve our country overseas, but I deal with people with tons of baggage in my career, I have no interest in doing in my personal life. (Harsh? Maybe. But leaving work at work won't happen if I came home to a man w/PTSD). He was also married. And divorced. RECENTLY. At 27. No thanks. And he is a smoker. I dated a smoker once upon a time. He rarely smoked around me & tried to avoid it if I was going to be home so I wouldn't be annoyed. But I've always considered that a deal breaker. It's just gross. And smelly. And deadly. And expensive.
ANWYAY. I digress.
The point of that anecdote was to lead into a struggle I've been facing recently. I mean, it's been a thing for pretty much EVER, but now, being 27 & happily single, it's kind of exploded. Not in a good way or a fun way. In a "I want to punch anyone who mentions dating to me" kind of way.
Yes. I AM single. Yes. I'm happy and content with it. Yes. I am ready to date again, if a worthwhile opportunity presented itself to me.
NO, I do NOT need every person I know to feel sorry for me or try to set me up or offer me their opinions on MY singleness. You're not doing me a favor or helping or anything. You're pissing me off. You're making me dig my heels in. You're making me want to shun any suitor you may think of for me.
Being single is not a disease. It is not depression-inducing. It is not me, crying alone every weekend into a bottle of wine & a pint of Ben & Jerry's. It is not me serial dating everything that passes my way, hoping something sticks. It is not me settling for a shitty guy b/c he is there.
For me, being single is: working out 5 days a week. Getting stronger, mentally, physically, emotionally. It is me slowly coming back to church and Christ and remembering how important those things are. It is me living alone, taking care of myself-doing my own laundry, cleaning my apartment, learning how to cook-being INDEPENDENT. It is me slooooowly but surely getting my career on the path to really moving. It is me booking a hotel in Indy to be reunited with a friend I haven't seen in over a year, and doing so without having to factor in anyone else in the mix. It is me, growing as a person, continuing to discover who I am and what new passions I have discovered.
Singleness for me is not a tragedy. It is an adventure... sometimes, it's a train wreck.
I understand my non-single friends are happy in their relationships. They are in love and want everyone else around them to be as happy & in love as they are. And that's so so so great. HOWEVER, I do not need people to take it upon themselves to set me up with someone just b/c they are single too. I do not need people to "interview" the next guy I'm interested in to make sure he is acceptable. (**The guys don't usually reveal they suck till the relationship is already underway, anyway).
I appreciate the sentiment, I really do. However, it can feel a little... condescending, judgmental, and tedious. If there is TRULY a guy someone thinks I'd TRULY be a good match for, I am more than willing to give it a shot. If you're bringing me around a guy JUST because he's single, then I have a problem. (I have spent copious amounts of time with Lewis's hot, single friends. They are still hot and single. I am still hot and single.) There needs to be more in common than "ooh! Single people!"
I am not interested in online dating b/c people think it will work for me. Excuse me? What does THAT mean? To me, it implies that I am not really succeeding in meeting guys the "normal" way, so I have to turn to something "inorganic." (My favorite way to describe my disinterest in online dating). The problem is not MEETING guys. It's what happens after the initial honey moon attraction wears off. I think that happens even in online dating. Meeting someone on eharmony may be less stressful than meeting someone in a face to face setting, but the pressure of dating once you make contact? The same. I don't think online dating or not online dating is going to hinder me from meeting the love of my life. Just saying.
I mentioned I'm ready to date. This is big. I know the ending w/Nate seems like it wasn't long ago (it wasn't) but since I had already been over it, just not aware of it, the grieving process was like, the drive home and done.
But does being ready to date mean I'm out, prowling the frigid streets of Chicago, looking for eligible bachelors? HA. No. (I avoid the frigid streets at all costs.) But even if it wasn't freezing out, I still wouldn't be actively looking. I think actively looking for someone makes it harder to find someone because you are trying so so hard. Things are better when they happen naturally. Like when the cute boy you've been exchanging smiles with for over a month finally comes up and introduces himself to you. THAT is great and fun and exciting... how it should be.
Non-single people need to stop making their single friends their projects. They need to stop worrying about us being sad and lonely and broken and lost and constantly looking for "the one." They need to see us as ourselves, as equals, as their happy, vibrant, sexy, fun single friends who are living life their way.
I do not need a guy to MAKE me happy, or whole, or whatever. I need a guy who can ADD to my happiness, makes my life MORE whole. My happiness is not contingent on being in a relationship. THAT is what I wish my non-single friends understood.
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