27 Things.

I turned 27 last week...and subsequently had a mini-meltdown... ok, well, I had a meltdown for several days prior to it, but on my actual birthday, I was excited and happy.

27.  It just seems so... old.  I am only THREE years from 30. I'm in my late twenties. And that is crazy intimidating. It (again) made me hyper aware of how my friends and I are in SO many different places.  Some Most are married. Some Most of those have children. Some own houses. Some are looking to buy houses.  Some of my non-married friends are single, some are dating, some are SERIOUSLY dating. 

Me? I'm doing the single thing, with a little bit of a crush, concentrating on getting started on my new job (FINALLY), improving my strength and dedication to the gym (ALWAYS), and trying to figure out what exactly what I want out of life.

Incidentally, my birthday and the end of the year occur days apart and usually this fact is just 'meh' but with my meltdown about 27, I got a little more retrospective.

Admittedly, 25 & 26 were pretty rough years in my life: relationally, career-wise, emotionally... I just struggled a bit.  I was lost. I didn't remember who I was, forgot what I wanted, what mattered, who mattered....I struggled to get my career off the ground and moving in an upwardly mobile way (FINALLY heading there! Woot!) I found myself in situation that I likely wouldn't have stood for a few years ago. Again... lost.

So. I composed a list of goals/thoughts/ideas/hopes that I have for myself for this year/future years to come.

1. As I told my therapist, I plan on making 27 a great year (mostly b/c I'm scared of it) & "reclaim my sense of internal locus of control," which basically means I'm going to return to being the girl who makes things happen instead of the girl who lets things happen to her, passively, without feeling like she has any control.  I'm a firm believer that thoughts and attitudes greatly impact your life and what can/will/does happen to you.  I used to be a much more positive person. I want that back.

2. Stop being afraid to let myself be truly happy.

3. Stop running from quality, awesome guys. (I did this over the summer, returning to someone I knew who was only gonna screw me up again. If I believed in regrets, letting this guy go would be at the top of the list)

4. Don't be afraid to put myself out there, when I could potentially be hurt. That's how we learn. And grow.  (I've done this most of my life with disappointing results) & despite the drama that was Nate, I am actually proud of myself for doing it.

5.  Get back to church more regularly.  I know if I say "every Sunday", I'm setting myself up for failure, but I do want to get back into going... maybe even actually get involved in a small group. Maybe.

6. Start lifting heavier at the gym... I lift moderately heavy now, but really, I tend to plateau at certain weights, and nothing is wrong with lifting heavy and it's been a goal of mine for a while.

7. Learn how to do a pull up.

8. Don't let anyone dull my sparkle. Cliché, I know, but the past few guys I've dated (with the exception of one-the one I messed up w/cuz of Nate) have made me feel like I needed to make myself smaller in order to fit what THEY wanted.

9. Leave the past in the past.  While I do think there is something to be said for timing (cue epic HIMYM quote), most things are in the past of a reason. (I would give my regret one more go... if he would do the same for me)

10. Go on more dates. Whether they are good dates or bad dates, I seem to be afraid of them. This ties in with #4.

11. Remember that I love myself. I don't need to change myself, make myself smaller, or do anything that would potentially make my uncomfortable.

12. Get settled in my career/job. 

13. Make sure I don't use my career/job as an excuse to hide from dates/my feelings.

14. Stop being afraid of my feelings.  My therapist and I are working on me being more emotionally available. Ironically, I make my living helping people learn how to properly express their's but I am AWFUL at doing it myself.

15. Actually start using my savings account for it's true purpose-SAVING for the future (an townhouse, a new car, etc) & not  for a pair of hot shoes or a hot dress.

16. TRAVEL.  I LOVE traveling, but I haven't been able to go anywhere really thrilling recently. I'm not talking Vegas or Colorado or Virginal to visit friends, since I can do that for fairly cheap price.  But my parents recently went to Europe and I'm dying to visit Italy. Always have been. And I want to visit before I'm 53.

17. Go skydiving.  I've always ALWAYS wanted to, and I have friends I know would go with me... what's holding me back?

18. Do one thing a month that scares me... big or little.

19. Continue to learn how to cook. I'm doing a pretty damn good job of it, but I tend to rotate the same several dishes (I'm at risk of becoming my mother in terms of her culinary skills hahahaha)

20. STOP USING GRUB HUB SO MUCH!!! I don't really need to order Indian every other week, do I?

21.  Once or twice a month, do something new in this city: new restaurant, visit a new area, go to a new bar, new comedy club... whatever. I live in the best city in the country (in my expert opinion) but I do not always work it to my advantage.  While I do not love Chicago winters, I LOVE it in the summer. (If you live here, you are aware you develop amnesia where the winter is concerned b/c the summers are so amazing. If you remember how much the winters suck, you would move away)

22. Try to be more social. Make more friends. I have had this conversation with many people: how do you make friends when you're an adult? When you're in school or whatever, friends are easy... they are literally RIGHT there. Minimal work. How do you successfully make friends when you are 27?

23. Become financially independent... or, slightly more financially independent than I am right now.  I'm 27. I need to get it together.

24. Read more classic, famous literature.  I am forever reading, but there are so many classic books I haven't ever read.

25. This may contradict my statement about savings, but have one extravagant purchase for myself. I'm 27. I'm single. I'm about to start a great job. I'm not always going to be able to say that. Even if it makes me seem silly and shallow, it's still something.

26. Continue to volunteer work, donate more, and continuing to give back.

27. Be happy, fit, active, loving, strong, independent, and myself... refuse to settle for anything than less than I know I deserve, and continue with my goal of making 27 & 2014 an amazing year.