Raise Your Hand If...

...you starting crying during the middle of your workout yesterday.

oh...just me, then? Awesome. (A combo of the Boy acting like a 13 year old girl and not acknowledging my existence, my parents' hurtful words the night before, not being 100% over the Boy, and excess emotions from who knows where all made this slightly embarrassing moment a reality).

The past few days have been nothing short of rough.  I seem to have lost my motivation for working out, I haven't been feeling well, looking for jobs is slowly starting to crush my soul, AND my parents seem to think that I'm "not doing anything."

When I was home on Sunday, my father was going on and on about how I clearly was doing something wrong and whatever I was doing in terms of looking for jobs was "clearly  not working."  Uhm, hello, it's not like I've been looking for THAT long ( I mean, 3.5 months FEELS like forever, but in reality, it takes around 7 months or so). He went as far as to suggest I sublet my room in my apartment and move back to NWI..as if moving back to NWI would make me find a job faster.

Uh...I HATE it there.  It is NOT my home anymore.  Outside my family, there are only a handful of people that I care about..I've lost touch with numerous friends, having been consumed with school for 2 years and them with their own families/kids.  When I moved up here 2.5 years ago, I all but was waving my middle finger high and saying "peace out, bitches!"...to Schererville, to former friends, to my unfulfilling life there...

What I can't understand is how my father thinks that me moving back there would FIX anything.  It would make it worse.  I'm almost positive I'd slip into some sort of depression.  My friends are HERE.  My life is HERE.

I don't understand why my family is so stupid when it comes to me and my job search.  J&L will NEVER make me happy or fulfilled...which is why I'm NOT working there now.  They want me to apply for "other" jobs now...basically, take time off of my REAL job search to look for jobs that are more menial or whatever.  Because that makes sense.  So, on Thursday or Friday, after I force myself to have a killer workout, I'm going to shower at the gym and hop the bus & go up the street and go inquire if a few places close by are hiring...first stop? Victoria's Secret.  Can you imagine my uberChristian, uberConservative parents having to tell their friends their daughter works at Victoria's Secret?  It would be AWESOME.

But really...this is it.  I'm gonna do whatever the hell it takes to get  a job in my field.  And when I do, I'm going to hop around my parents and say "fuck you doubters, look what I did.  Thanks for always 100% believing in me!"  Because it seems they have stopped doing that and it sucks.  Maybe, to add insult to injury, I'll reconcile w/the Boy, who was by NO means close to their ideal mate for me...which definitely added to his appeal, let me tell you. But whatever.  I'm not so much sad anymore as really really pissed.  Here I go.

Sad Face.

To re-iterate my previous post, dating sucks.

The Boy and I are likely finished...but it appears neither one of us is overly pleased with this.
WTF, mate!
Well, to be quite honest, I don't know.  He started the conversation, and at one point, was like "you won't have a hard time finding someone...you're gorgeous, smart, funny, fun to be around, you have an awesome body..." and the undertone of his voice was like "What the HELL am I doing????"

Communication is key.  We were both expecting something and wanting something and our wants jived, but the way of getting there...did not.  :(

Today was our first day of eye contact since Tuesday, and it was pathetic...sad smiles and a sad wave.  At least I'm not alone in my mini-depressive episode right now.

I'm giving myself till tomorrow to be sad.  Then I am putting on my big girl panties and moving myself on.
Ugh.

Dating...Sucks.

I HATE dating.  HATE HATE HATE it.  I find it tedious, stressful, and one gigantic game, with two players who don't always know what they're doing, but think they have it all figured out...which just spells disaster.

Since I have trust issues that very likely could've kept my therapist in business for years, dating is an exceptionally painful form of torture for me.  And, my past dating relationships have left more than a little to be desired, I don't really know how to...do it. Boy #1 used to call me a zillion times a day, whether convenient or inconvenient for me, and then get mad if I couldn't or wouldn't give him 110% of my attention...and it drove me CRAZY. Boy #2 was amazing, always talking to me, never pushy, always wanted  to be the sweetest person to walk on the planet...but I couldn't deal with that and freaked out.  (This is also the time I learned dating younger guys maybe wasn't for me). Boy #3 redefined insane and I have sort of diagnosed him with Borderline Personality Disorder.  He would be angry if I texted him 2 or 3 times in one night, the next, he'd be upset if I didn't text him at all...so hot & cold...granted, he was a lying cheater, but still.

All of these...do not much add up to a good dating base for me.  From Boy #1, I learned I HATE being smothered, hate having to answer a million texts or phone calls a day, from Boy #2, I think was the sweetest thing ever and treated me very well, so I was able to see what exactly a nice, quality guy is truly like.  Boy #3 helped show me how a guy can make the most confident and strong girl fall to pieces when a boy manipulates...you kinda go a little nuts.

So, now, I'm dating this guy.  He's...older than I am, and a trainer at my gym. We've been talking for about two months, I think...we had a hiccup or two in the beginning, and have since worked through them. However, since I hate being harassed by the people I'm dating, I've been very hands-off in that department, which I think confuses him, and thus, confuses me.  He's flaked once before and he did it again tonight, which is SO frustrating.  I understand if something comes up or whatever, but shouldn't you at least let the girl you're dating know?  My mind is going to a million different, BAD places. 

My issues lies here: how do you know when to be like "yeah, I'm done." or just roll with it? Maybe he got tanked with his buddies (not a good excuse, but whatever) or maybe he's with another girl...or maybe something came up with his sister and his niece, or maybe he's just a jerk.  But when I saw him this afternoon, he was all about hanging out tonight, so I don't know.  

Seriously.  I HATE dating. The guy is awesome...SO hot, so sweet, phenomenal kisser, in great shape (obviously), and likes me a lot...but sometimes lacks in showing it.  And I don't know...I don't want to be just some girl he hangs out with sometimes. We're gonna have to have a serious conversation and figure out what's going on b/c I am over this silly "in between/what-if" phase.  

Not Behind the Times

So, lately, I've been thinking about where my life is v. where I thought I'd be at age 26 v. where my peers seem to be in their lives.  Now, I try my very hardest not to compare my life and what's happening or not happening in it to other people's but sometimes, it just happens.  I'm by no means wishing my life were different (although I do wish I had a job, but duh) or implying that I'm jealous of where their lives are v. where I'm at.

I'm just stunned it's so...different. I'm 26, single(ish), currently unemployed (i cringe having to say that), living in Chicago, and perfectly happy (well...almost perfectly).  I have awesome friends and a great life and I'm seeing a great guy.  My life rocks.

However, today I learned an old friend is pregnant with baby #2...and she is only a year older than me.  She's been married for several years and has a baby who just turned 1.  She is not my first friend to be working on baby #2, not by a long shot.  Recently, actually, it seems like there has been explosion of pregnancies and/or people popping out babies.  It's just so ridiculous.

Monica is getting married in 2 months, Amanda is getting married in 9. A good portion of my friends are married & have been for years.  Most of them are thinking about babies in the next year or two...

And me? I'm like "I like wine, the gym, and my hot trainer boy toy."  When I think about even the remote possibility of maybe having kids one day, I'm like "ew, gross, no." Marriage? Yeah, I'd like to get married eventually, but its not even really on my radar right now (ok, sorta b/c I'm in 2 weddings within the year, but me, myself, getting married soon? nope). The Boy & I are still in the "getting to know you" phase of things but are so ridiculously attracted to each other, we have a hard time focusing on much else.

Monica & I were on the phone the other day & I said "I just don't know how I got so far behind where we're supposed to be in life!" Her response was "well, is that what you want?  To be married and have a baby on the way?" & I was like "uhm...no, not really, but I feel like I should!!" To which she replied "I think you're fine, you're happy and that's all that matters."

Which is so so true...but it's so easy to forget, what with society's expectations, my parents' expectations, my friends' realities...plus, what the 17 year old me thought my life would look like at 26.  Why do we always worry we're so far behind when really, we're right where we're supposed to be?

No part of me wants to be married right, or be a mom right now, or any of that.  I want to get myself somewhat established in my career, continue to live in Chicago, and figure out if The Boy and I are gonna go much further than the "seeing each other" status we're at right now. I'm NOT supposed to be getting married soon or having a baby soon...I don't know what I feel like I'm behind the times when I'm moving at the pace I'm meant to be. There's not universal timeline that says "26 year olds should be married, beginning to try and spawn, and be thinking about buying a house," so why would I worry that I'm behind?

The Happiness Project

So, today I started reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin.  I've seen stuff about this book & recently read a review of it from Julie, who writes on of my favorite healthy living blogs, www.pbfingers.com.  (You should definitely check her out.  She writes about her daily quest for health, quality work outs, and some of life's little adventures with her husband and adorable dog).  Julie talked about her views of the book and talked about Gretchen's ideas for obtaining "happiness."  I was intrigued, and as someone who is always trying to better myself, I thought I'd give the book a chance.

Her book has twelve main chapters, each describing a goal/mindset of her's for a particular month, and then a the end of the book, she gives pointers on how to start your OWN happiness project. I just finished the intro of the book, where Gretchen talks about the epiphany she had one day during her commute: "I was in danger of wasting my life." She went on to say that by no means did she have a BAD life; she had plenty to be happy about, but frequently, she just lived her life in a ritualistic manner, without really realizing she was actually living life.

Now, I have thought about that same thing many times over the past few months...apparently unemployment makes you extra introspective. I guess the monotony of: go to the gym, go to Starbucks, go home, make dinner, clean the house, watch TV/read, repeat takes its toll. I frequently tell my friends "I'm getting antsy."  Nothing good comes from me getting antsy, and nothing good comes from a life you're not truly living.

Gretchen states she believes since no two people are exactly alike, no two people will have the same "happiness project." In true writer/researcher fashion, she explains how she invested a great deal of time in looking up what "happiness" meant.  She then realized her goals were full of paradoxes: wanting to change things about herself, but wanting to accept herself.  She makes excellent points and brought up a lot of things for me to think about-and that was just in her introduction.

She found a number of definitions for "happiness", from philosophers to psychologists to various writers that have tackled the question humankind has been seeking out in one way or another for thousands of years. To me, this brought up the question: "What do I think happiness is?" And it's a thought I've been pondering for the past several hours and if I'm truly honest, probably for the past several years in one way or another.

So...what DO I think happiness is?  Is happiness a baby's laughter? An king-size Reeses? (an hour ago, yes, yes it was). A hug from the guy I'm dating? Or is it a more than a fleeting moment, but a state of being?  I think this book is going to be a very good read for me.  I never read anything remotely "self-help"-esque, but I'm not sure this book qualifies as a self-help book.  I'm definitely intrigued enough to read it and I think that even if I do or don't agree with her conclusions, it will give me much to think about these next few days/weeks.  (I tend to breeze through books very quickly, but I get the feeling this one will take a little more time than normal).

I'm excited to see how this book will influence me and my views of happiness and if it will have any application to my life as I read it.  I'll probably discuss it on here just for the hell of it, so stay tuned!

For the love of 2013

So, the title of this blog (which is subject to change, possibly) is a reference to my career & the fact that sometimes, writing is just straight up therapeutic. Also, I live in Chicago and maybe I am a little obsessed with the city.  

Starting a blog like this (one that is more "mature" in nature, not from when I was 17 years old) has been something I have wanted to do for several months now & I've just never gotten around to it...till now.  I guess I can write it off as one of my 2013 goals.

To me, saying "resolution" sounds so scary. So final. I feel like it's such a heavy word, carrying so much pressure, and possibly, eventually guilt.  Thus, I like to say "New Year's Goals."  The word "goal", at least to me, sounds far less intimidating than resolutions. ANYWAY.  I digress.

I have several goals for this year, some having to do with health/fitness, some having to do with more personal stuff, and some that I think I'm going to keep to myself, at least for now.

They are:

• Focus more on cardio at the gym.  I HATE cardio. With a passion. I think it's boring and tedious and far less enjoyable and gratifying than strength training (which I LOVE).  If I'm going to take a rest day or just straight up skip the gym, it's a cardio day I'll happily forgo.  However, I know that cardio is hugely important for the obvious benefits, as well as for fat burning and helping with core definition. So, I want to focus more on it as part of my weekly workout regime.  No more slacking and "riding" a bike for  my cardio days...I need to have them actually count.
• Piggy backing off of that, I want to run the Color Run 5k in June.  A 5k is approximately 2 miles, yes?  I can run about a mile to a mile and a half before I start REALLY hating life, and I have plenty of time to build up to 2 miles...it's something I know I'll be proud of because really, who would've thought I'd ever actually run any type of race?  Who cares if it's only a 5k? You gotta start somewhere.
• Do a workout that scares me at least once a week. I hate clean and presses and snatches...so I tend to not include them in my circuits. Why? Because a) in my opinion, they're hard & b) I'm a little scared of them.  
• Focus more on my diet and eating "clean."  I have learned how to cook-somewhat.  I have a selection of several meals I can make easily (the crock pot is seriously the best invention EVER) & I'm getting slightly better & more confident with it...now, it's all a matter of making sure I'm making healthy meals with some more variety.
• GET A JOB...although, this is not really, truly, fully in my control.
• Create a "mini goal" for each month (personal, fitness, health, food...anything)
• Give up something new each month (Starbucks, chocolate, alcohol, eating out...)
• Learn how to budget...or at least, manage money better. You would think this would be easy, because of my father and his being a business man and all of that...however, I did not inherit that ability.  At all.
• Live alone.  Last year and this one, I've had a roommate...and it's been...different.  I think I'm ready to live alone for good now.  Get a dog of my own (my parents won't let me kidnap Chloe), have my own place that I can make "mine" and not have to worry about anyone other than myself. 
• Do something that scares me..I'm not going to say "once a month" or "once a week" or put any type of time stamp on it b/c I think we all have different "scary" things and they all crop up at different times.  I want to stop over thinking, stop worrying, and just DO.  Where's the harm in that?  That's how we learn and grow and become, in my Adrija's words, "wisdomous."
• There are a few that I am keeping to myself.

JANUARY Specific goals:

• Giving up Starbucks.
• Focusing more on abs/core stuff during my workouts...I tend to save this particular group for the end of my workouts and then rush through it or skip it completely.
• Make at least 2 new meals this month.