Lettin' It Flow

...is not easy.
But, it's teaching me a lot about myself and about dating/relationships & about life in general.

Life is not something I can control, no matter how much I want to or how much I try to.

My career is at a stand still right now.  I am literally spinning my wheels, waiting for my LPC to come in the mail so I can FINALLY see real clients and do real therapy.  I'm so excited, I can barely stand it b/c I am so ready to hit the PLAY button my career and get it rolling in the right direction...but there's nothing I can do about it.  I can't make it come faster.  I can't make the licensing board work quicker.  I can't make Illinois a more efficient state...I just have to wait.  And it's making me CRAZY.  But I'm learning patience.  I finally admitted defeat and I'm going home to work at J&L 2 days a week...4.5 hours in the afternoon & then 4.5 hours the next morning (ok, more like 4 since I don't get there right at 8am b/c I don't really care & no one's gonna say anything so...)mostly b/c I just can't deal with having nothing to do...although the weather in Chicago is FINALLY turning into spring, I still just...I need to work.

Nate & I are still crazy about each other and still "lettin' it flow."  He's got some freaky ass mental connection and will text/call me the the minute I start to get a little frustrated w/what exactly is going on.  But we're still good.  We talked on the phone today and acted just like our old selves, except there were a few times when we tripped over our words when we were trying to discuss what exactly was going on with us in terms of our relationship.  But things are good.  Slow. Flowin'. or whatever.

Overall,  though, this is a good lesson for me.  Life isn't always perfect.  I can't control...well, ANYTHING in my life.  My career? My love life? My new apartment?  My body? All of those things take time and patience, and hard work.  They do not come easily. The only thing I have even the remotest control over of that list is my body...and for a long time, it felt like I had NO control over it,...till I learned HOW.  But, unfortunately, I can't learn how to control my career or my love life or other people.  And really, why would I WANT to?

It's not an easy lesson to learn.  I kinda wish I was learning it with something that was NOT a romantic relationship, buuuut hey.  It will help w/Nate and it will help if there are other relationships in the future.

How You Know Your Ex Isn't Over You

...he calls you at 4:30 am, after a bachelor party, tells you he's leaving the city but wants to see you...comes to see you & then tells you he lied, that he wasn't in the city & was at his parents' in the suburbs but wanted to see you so badly he drove the whole way.

And then in the morning, tells you he liked you from the moment he met you and hasn't stopped since.

We are going to try and start over and, in Nate's words, "let it flow."

I am not always good with abstracts in datingland, but I think I need to learn how to be and let go of my need to have everything perfectly ordered.

Can't argue with a guy who looks you in the eye & says "i think we're supposed to be something great." Can't argue with the fact that the second he hugged me, I felt more at peace than I've felt for the past 3 weeks.

So...we'll see. Here it goes!

How You Know You're Not Over the Ex

The prospect of POSSIBLY seeing him today makes you want to vomit every time you think about & you have a distant nauseous feeling...constantly.
AND you find yourself wishing you had Bailey's for your coffee or wishing that 10am was acceptable to have the rest of the bottle a glass of wine.
AND you find yourself thinking that a RUN would be quite useful in helping you destress.
AND the masochistic side of you hopes you do see each other, another part is hoping for no, and still ANOTHER part is hoping "maybe, but only if there's alcohol present, but still...no."

Ugh.

Being Broken Up Is Hard To Do

Nate & I broke up a few weeks ago.
It came out of nowhere & I think it blindsided BOTH of us, even though ultimately, he was the one who ended it.
I think there may be more to the story than I am aware of, but I don't know and all I can do is speculate & wonder & obsess...or that's what I did for the first week, in between excessive chocolate & wine consumption, culminating in one of the more embarrassing nights I've had in a long time.

The first week of a break up is always the worst, especially when it's obvious both parties were still crazy about each other.  But that's in the past.  I've been trying SO hard to move on.  I can listen to "Just Give Me A Reason" by P!nk & Nate Russe without bursting into tears (maybe I feel distantly sad but not much) & I can think about Nate without crying or feeling like I'm being stabbed in the chest.  This is HUGE progress.

I still "miss" him, but this week, I've been reflecting on the fact that it's not so much NATE that I miss but the comfort, peace, and happiness of having a boyfriend and someone who was there, someone who knows me, someone who adores me...THAT'S what I miss. Not Nate, anymore.

I'm SLOWLY moving on.  It's not easy getting over someone you are were crazy about. It's a painful process.  Getting over people isn't easy & I had to two break ups in a few months and I'm emotionally spent.  I utilized (Good) Josh and we've been chatting more, which I feel like maybe is a slippery slope, but that's irrelevant.

So, I've been moving on and getting to the point of saying "I'm over Nate!" & meaning it.  And then...He sent me a text.  It was nothing, ambiguous, just a "hey wiener, how have you been?" & I became a mess.  Sure, when we broke up, we said we would be friends & see what happened, with Nate strongly implying he felt we'd be getting back together one day.  Now, I am extremely cynical when it comes to friendship & ex-boyfriends.  Mostly b/c most of my exes are crazy.  ANYWAY, because of that, I put very little stock in being friends w/exes, despite still  having very strong feelings for him.

When (Bad) Josh would text me, I'd be like "WTF, SERIOUSLY???" in an annoyed & frustrated way...even at first, when I still wasn't fully over him b/c he was such a shitshow.  When Nate text me this afternoon, I was just like "SERIOUSLY?" in a much more frantic and crazed way.  Three weeks of no contact. THREE WEEKS without talking to each other, although there have been an embarrassingly high number of times I wanted to pick up the phone & call him over the past few weeks...sigh.

ANYWAY.  After three weeks of zero contact, I'd assumed we were gonna forgo the whole friendship thing.  I'd resigned myself to the fact that we were just meant for an intense, fast burning relationship.  And maybe we are.

I'm freaking out about a short text exchange b/c I am not as over him as I thought I was. I could literally HEAR him saying what he was texitng, see his expression and mannerisms and then I just...I don't know.  Part of  me was happy to hear from him, but I had to shut that part down b/c it's just not...no.  Maybe this will be it.  Maybe he was just feeling nostolgic or something.  I dunno.  I don't like feeling like this.  I hope to get myself back on track tomorrow and stop freaking out.

I'm trying SO hard to leave my past in my past.  That's why I haven't called The Trainer...b/c it would be SO easy & SO satisfying, but SUCH a terrible idea...b/c it's the PAST. The Trainer is NOT my future (but what a future it would be...38 year old beautiful black man...I'd kill my parents if we ended up together. Such an amusing thought). Even though when we broke up, both of us thought  we were still supposed to be in each other lives, I don't know HOW.

I need to take a deep breath, eat dinner, have some wine & RELAX.  I can't obsess or I'll go nuts. I'm just gonna roll with it and let things happen without trying to manufacture what I want.

"The Good Outnumber You"

I have nothing to say that has not already been said by my friends, bloggers I love, or society as a whole.

The horrific events that happened in Boston yesterday and their aftermath continue to haunt and sadden me. I have felt saddened, slow, & somewhat distracted all day.

However, I am proud to see people focusing more on the acts of heroism than the act of "terrorism."

Gina, of fitnessista.com, posted this link of people being awesome & I read it and cried on the Brown Line.

While I was at the gym today, I couldn't help but think how much I LOVE working out and how it makes me feel-and how much I take that for granted & just expect to be safe and sound (other than the usual soreness that accompanies a killer workout) while I do this thing that I love and has become an important part of who I am. Running the Boston Marathon is the penultimate honor for a runner-I can barely run a mile and I know this.  I can't imagine what it feels like to have your passion so deeply fused to a traumatic event. It makes me angry and sad and heartbroken to think about these runners, achieving what is likely a lifelong goal & having the sheer joy of that stripped away from them in such a heinous way.

I told a friend I wanted to hop on a plane and set up shop and do crisis counseling with people...the same thing I wanted to do after Newtown. I had a professor in grad school who was a "first responder" for therapeutic stuff like this.  SO COOL. One day. ONE DAY, I will do that. 

 I love therapy and psychology and working with people.  I'll likely eventually work with all types of people-the best humanity has to offer and likely the worst (I'm a Rape Crisis Counselor...I see the results of the worst...but I also see people offering love, support and dedication to the survivor-whether it is in the form of police, detectives, nurses/doctors, or their friends...I see the best too).  It is so easy to see the evil and want to give up on humanity (& I admit, I did text Candy "WTF is wrong w/people??" on Monday evening) but I just...can't.  The comedian Patton Oswalt said it best here, stating "So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, "The good outnumber you, and we always will."

THAT is what we should all be clinging to.  And, I think, it is what people are trying to do now: trying to not let the evil win, trying to not let ourselves get discouraged, trying to not let the pain and fear and paranoia whoever did this was hoping for to take over.

Yes. As a country and even as a world, our hearts are heavy and sad. Yes, we experienced a horrific trauma. BUT, we are not letting it defeat us. People ran toward the chaos. People ran to hospitals to donate blood or help out in some fashion. People opened up their homes to total, complete, strangers. THAT is why good will always trump evil. Because as Patton Oswalt said, "The good outnumbers you." THAT is why, no matter how much we may say "I have lost faith in humanity" or "I give up on humanity" we really don't. Because people like the people in Boston, in Newtown, in cities all over-big and small, people want to help. People want to make a difference in a GOOD WAY. Until we are no longer able to spot the good and see the good in people, we CAN have faith in humanity. 

Now & Then

Now...

I am self aware.

Then...

I let other's dictate and tell me what I should do and how I should feel (they were almost always incorrect.  Not TOTALLY incorrect, but they are not me)

Now...

I can recognize a bad idea.

Then...

I thought I was solving everyone's problems.

Now...

I can resist the temptation to act on those bad ideas and impulses.

Then...

I would do it anyway and then subsequently be miserable for the next month.

Now...

I know who I am...most days.

Then...

I had no idea. I just wanted to have friends.

Now...

I know what a healthy relationship is.

Then...

I thought feeling like trash & a mess was normal when you were in a relationship (oh Josh. you crazy mess...FRICK.  got a new phone, probs lost the "reject list"-ha, how funny that's what it's really called!-here's hoping he doesn't sense the window of stalker-tunity...see what i did there? :-P)

Now...

I'm sad.

Then...

I was a disaster.

Now...

I am a mess, lost, empty, sad, confused, resisting all sorts of bad impulses, wishing things were different, wishing life had an undo button, and wondering what the future will bring.

Then...

I was just a mess.

It's funny how life works.  Everytime I get too cocky or comfortable, I am almost inevitably proven wrong.  WTF, mate? It's getting old.  But, I know there are lessons to be learned.  But for once, I'd like to learn a lesson with a happy ending.  That's all.