Being Broken Up Is Hard To Do

Nate & I broke up a few weeks ago.
It came out of nowhere & I think it blindsided BOTH of us, even though ultimately, he was the one who ended it.
I think there may be more to the story than I am aware of, but I don't know and all I can do is speculate & wonder & obsess...or that's what I did for the first week, in between excessive chocolate & wine consumption, culminating in one of the more embarrassing nights I've had in a long time.

The first week of a break up is always the worst, especially when it's obvious both parties were still crazy about each other.  But that's in the past.  I've been trying SO hard to move on.  I can listen to "Just Give Me A Reason" by P!nk & Nate Russe without bursting into tears (maybe I feel distantly sad but not much) & I can think about Nate without crying or feeling like I'm being stabbed in the chest.  This is HUGE progress.

I still "miss" him, but this week, I've been reflecting on the fact that it's not so much NATE that I miss but the comfort, peace, and happiness of having a boyfriend and someone who was there, someone who knows me, someone who adores me...THAT'S what I miss. Not Nate, anymore.

I'm SLOWLY moving on.  It's not easy getting over someone you are were crazy about. It's a painful process.  Getting over people isn't easy & I had to two break ups in a few months and I'm emotionally spent.  I utilized (Good) Josh and we've been chatting more, which I feel like maybe is a slippery slope, but that's irrelevant.

So, I've been moving on and getting to the point of saying "I'm over Nate!" & meaning it.  And then...He sent me a text.  It was nothing, ambiguous, just a "hey wiener, how have you been?" & I became a mess.  Sure, when we broke up, we said we would be friends & see what happened, with Nate strongly implying he felt we'd be getting back together one day.  Now, I am extremely cynical when it comes to friendship & ex-boyfriends.  Mostly b/c most of my exes are crazy.  ANYWAY, because of that, I put very little stock in being friends w/exes, despite still  having very strong feelings for him.

When (Bad) Josh would text me, I'd be like "WTF, SERIOUSLY???" in an annoyed & frustrated way...even at first, when I still wasn't fully over him b/c he was such a shitshow.  When Nate text me this afternoon, I was just like "SERIOUSLY?" in a much more frantic and crazed way.  Three weeks of no contact. THREE WEEKS without talking to each other, although there have been an embarrassingly high number of times I wanted to pick up the phone & call him over the past few weeks...sigh.

ANYWAY.  After three weeks of zero contact, I'd assumed we were gonna forgo the whole friendship thing.  I'd resigned myself to the fact that we were just meant for an intense, fast burning relationship.  And maybe we are.

I'm freaking out about a short text exchange b/c I am not as over him as I thought I was. I could literally HEAR him saying what he was texitng, see his expression and mannerisms and then I just...I don't know.  Part of  me was happy to hear from him, but I had to shut that part down b/c it's just not...no.  Maybe this will be it.  Maybe he was just feeling nostolgic or something.  I dunno.  I don't like feeling like this.  I hope to get myself back on track tomorrow and stop freaking out.

I'm trying SO hard to leave my past in my past.  That's why I haven't called The Trainer...b/c it would be SO easy & SO satisfying, but SUCH a terrible idea...b/c it's the PAST. The Trainer is NOT my future (but what a future it would be...38 year old beautiful black man...I'd kill my parents if we ended up together. Such an amusing thought). Even though when we broke up, both of us thought  we were still supposed to be in each other lives, I don't know HOW.

I need to take a deep breath, eat dinner, have some wine & RELAX.  I can't obsess or I'll go nuts. I'm just gonna roll with it and let things happen without trying to manufacture what I want.