if only.

If only saying "i don't love you anymore" and 100% feeling "i don't love you anymore" actually occurred at the same time.

life would be so much easier.

WTF is w/the weak boys?

I am tired of boys who are scared of strong women.  And I mean "strong" in every sense of the word: physical, mental, emotional, personality.

I used "boys" intentionally...mostly b/c they ARE boys, if they can't handle a girl who lifts weights, is FINALLY getting rolling on her career, has opinions, states her needs/wants/feelings in a relationship, and isn't afraid to be herself.  Only boys who are scared of something are afraid of strong women.

Nate and I are 1000000% done. We tried to be casual, feelings got pulled in, things went nuts, I thought we were fine, then he got back w/his ex and didn't tell me.  From what I gathered, she and I are quite different. And also, from what I know of Nate, he ultimately wasn't a fan of the fact I stated I have certain needs or whatever, and wasn't interested in hearing it.

I am the first to admit (now, at least) that I gave up and tamped down important parts of myself in order to try and make him happy (mostly this most recent go around).  As my therapist put it, I didn't so much as "roll with it" like I was hoping, but more let him "roll over me" instead. I agreed to something I was not comfortable with AT ALL (it never came to fruition, but I still agreed to it) because I wanted to make him happy, even though I wasn't particularly happy.  I tried to make myself smaller to fit into his world, into his mold, into what I thought he wanted...I couldn't do it--because, I cannot & do not know how to be less of myself, a smaller version of myself, a quieter, more passive version of myself...that's not me, it doesn't exist, and I am not sorry for that at all.

That's not the way love is supposed to be, and that's definitely not the way I work, so despite the somewhat dramatic ending of our "casual" relationship (& subsequent attempts or whatever), I'm happy it's done.  I DO wish him the best and happiness w/this girl, b/c I do care about him & know that he truly is a good guy-he just has to figure his stuff out, but I FINALLY get that he is not for me and I am not for him...a hard and painful thing to learn, but something I know to be true (REALLY.  I can't give anymore chances and I have no trust left to give to him.  We were truly not good for each other in practice, no matter how much we seemed like it on paper.)

Then,  last Saturday, I went with Josh to his company's Christmas party & for the most part, just sat at the table, making the most of the open bar, but not really talking to many people other than when Josh was directly involved in the conversation.  It was a good enough time, but I wasn't a fan of the fact I was basically just "arm candy" to quote Rick ("eye candy", as my mother says...who teaches her these terms??)

On Sunday morning, after we woke up, I was stretching & Josh grabbed my bicep & squeezed & was like "holy shit!" & me, being the little gym narcissist I am, was like "oh hey thanks!" (b/c I'm proud of my body, damnit! proud!) & Josh proceeds to say: "you need to lay off the curls!" I giggle, thinking he's kidding, but he says (I can't remember the exact quote, but it was close to this) "seriously! you could kick my ass! guys don't want a girl with muscles or who's stronger than them!"

Now, internally, the feminist in me was going crazy.  WHAT?? WHO SAYS THAT? (Also, I have extensive data that shows the opposite is true). Then I had my thesis statement epiphany.

Guys who want to make women smaller aren't ready for a real relationship or a real woman, for that matter.  I don't know why I let myself fall into the trap of trying to neglect and lose part of who I am in order to make a BOY happy.   I stopped considering my needs important, my desires, my feelings, anything that had to do with me seemed to stop mattering/I ignored it, thinking that it would make me a better fit for Nate.

Clearly, that wasn't the case.  Giving my up my love for lifting? NOT GONNA HAPPEN b/c some punk ass guy is too intimidated by the fact I could "kick his ass."

Basically, the #1 lesson I've FINALLY learned after all of this is simply that trying to make yourself FIT into a guy's IDEA of who & what you should be is absolutely ABSURD. This wasn't a problem for the longest time, but the past year or two have really been rough and I lost sight of myself.

No more. No more weak boys.

To quote Joanne & Maureen from Rent, "take me just as I am....take me or leave me."

A Rant.

So this post is a long time coming. It's a topic that has become more frequently discussed recently on some of the health/fitness blogs I read, but I want to share my 2 cents too b/c, honestly, it's not discussed enough.

It is damn near impossible to know and understand what a "healthy body" is nowadays.  There are attacks on people who are "too big", "too skinny", "too muscular", "too obsessed"...I am curious to see if the percentage of people-not just females-with eating disorders (Anorexia, Bullimia, EDNOS) has risen at all over the past year or two because of how just...insane the "fitness" motivation things are getting. 

Obviously, it's no secret that I LOVE to work out. I usually workout 5 days a week, with rest days falling in there somewhere. I eat. A Lot. Constantly.  I DO NOT adhere to any eating methods, like "clean eating" or "paleo" or "vegan" or whatever the hell else there is to do.  I simply eat well...not great, but I'd say I eat healthier than 85% of the population. (True life: I just ate 2 Reeses as I typed up the first few paragraphs & I'm thinking a glass of wine is gonna be happening after this). 

 I eat what I crave-which is almost always something that I know is mostly healthy and filling. (and sometimes is chocolate or deep dish pizza). I "listen" to my body and what I want to eat. I know what makes my body happy, what fuels me, and what will make me feel gross or sick after I eat it. I drink almond milk over dairy now and have drastically cut back on my Starbucks/eating out habits. I rarely consume red meat nowadays, choosing to go for turkey, chicken, or some type of fish...however, I do love me a burger or a steak every once in a while. I don't feel guilty eating a seriously decadent dessert or dinner when my father comes to town to take me to a fancy restaurant or when my girlfriends & I go out for dinner or brunch or drinks...but I do notice a difference on how I feel the next day when I get up to hit the gym or go to work or whatever after  a particularly indulgent or unhealthy meal. Typically, the next day, my body is almost DEMANDING lean meat, veggies, fruits & Greek yogurt (I could single handedly keep Chiobani in business. Not even kidding.)  Thus, those outings/unhealthy food binges are not a regular occurrence, simply because my body knows what works best for it. 

Did I always eat like this? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Have we met? I am not the world's greatest chef. I spent most of grad school getting my calories from Starbucks purchases, Digorino personal pizzas, or various Lean Cuisines. (I can eat none of that stuff now without seriously regretting it 20 minutes later). Since I have gotten more into fitness and health, I have noticed a dramatic shift in my eating habits.  You NEED to eat what fuels YOU.  No more pop tarts (ok, sometimes) or empty carbs (seriously. very rarely) or Lean Cuisines (I depended on them during my internship but had to bring another mini-meal b/c my metabolism is way too fast for those suckers to actually last).

I think feeling guilty about what you eat or limiting yourself on what you CAN eat is CRAZY.  Do I respect the people in the fitness world who do eat clean or paleo in order to reach their goals? HECK YES.  However, it's just not for me.  I like carbs. I like cheese. I like chocolate. I need like wine. I like variety (which sucks, b/c it means I have to expand my cooking skillz). I love the concept of clean eating, but sometimes I find it boring. Sometimes, I find it delicious. I could never be vegan. I like cheese (but I already mentioned that). Some of the healthy recipes I find call for bizarre ingredients I don't have on hand or are pricey, or black beans in brownies (I have been assured they are tasty, buuut I don't like black beans and I don't care if my dessert is a lot of calories. I'm too busy drooling after it to care).

There is SUCH a fine line between healthy and healthy-masquerading-as-healthy. Part of the reason I don't dedicate more time to what I eat or adhere to any of those eating styles is because I know myself.  Personally, (truly,  I am not trying to be dramatic here), for me, I would quickly develop some type of eating disorder if I attempted to do one of those diets. I've toed the line of an eating disorder in the past-more than once-and I don't want to ever be that close again. It would be so easy to convince myself that wine, chocolate, etc were ALWAYS BAD and then that would just quickly spiral into craziness, so I stay away.  I am constantly checking in with myself, making sure I'm eating enough and well, and there have actually been days when I've had an internal debate about chocolate or not, and usually end up eating it b/c I need to remind myself that it's OKAY to indulge...more than once a week.

Those "fitspo" motivation things flying all over Pinterest or Instagram? The ones that say "The chocolate you've wanted for an hour or the body you've wanted forever?" or "Hip bones or that burger?" or whatever equally ridiculous saying are SO SO unhealthy.  To me, it's almost promoting eating disorders. It's totally destroying a healthy body image. It's making it virtually impossible for women to ever be satisfied and confident with their bodies b/c everyone thinks they "should" look like that "that."  To be honest, I have abs, a nice ass, and toned legs-and I still eat chocolate multiple times a week. It's possible.

RIDICULOUS.  I also have a HUGE issue with those posters that say "Real women have curves/hips/booties/etc"...uhm, excuse me. I'm as real as they come (minus the hair color. That is categorically not real) & I have very few curves. I have an amazing chest, extremely  narrow hips, a small (but nice-thank you squats, deadlifts, and lunges) ass, slim (but toned) legs, rather broad shoulders, thin (toned) arms...WHO decided that curves make you a real women? It's not my fault I wasn't blessed with all around curves. My best friend, who is Hispanic, has amazing hips, thighs, and a booty-but small boobs. We always joke about how we want to be able to move things around-but alas, that is not possible.

Every woman everywhere probably wishes she could change something about her body (this may or may not be true). We can't help it. HOWEVER. I am finally at a point in my life where I can look in the mirror while I'm in my bra & undies & LOVE what I see. Sure, I think I maybe need to work my core (OBLIQUES!) a little more or do more squats or whatever, but I'm happy and confident with myself. I lay out in a bikini during the summer and I am not embarrassed. It's amazing.

I've heard that I'm too skinny. I've heard that I "lift too heavy for how tiny of a person you are" (thanks mom. I told her mentalities like that are why feminists exist. She wasn't pleased.) A lady at the gym a few weeks ago told me I was her motivation. Several trainers have genuinely (not in the 'i want to have sex with you' way) complimented me on how I look recently. Yeah, that's awesome (most of it). But all that matters is that I am happy with myself. I am confident. I will continue to workout and eat well and indulge and be confident in who I am, who I'm becoming, and what I'm doing.

There needs to be more of a movement when it comes to embracing and loving your body, no matter what. If you want to workout, or lose weight, or whatever, AMAZING. If you just want to tone, yes! If you want to lose weight so you can be healthy, I applaud you and will help you in anyway. I wish society would truly embrace the variety women's bodies and let us be proud of who were are and what we look like, as opposed to us constantly being inundated by ideas that often contradict each other.

Be proud of who you are. Be proud of your body-curves or no, tall or short, toned or not toned...be confident and strong and proud. You deserve it.

THAT Person.

We all have that one person in our life...that one person, that makes us fall to pieces emotionally, that sets our world upside down when we thought it was fine, the one person who makes us go "what if..." "i wonder..." "how different would my life be?", makes us question everything...

You know you had someone in mind when you read that.  I could probably tell you who you're thinking of. ;-)

Intense relationships.  Passionate relationships. Crazy relationships. Over and done and then over and done AGAIN relationships...still, there is that one guy.

It doesn't matter how over him you are, how much you've moved on-mentally, emotionally, physically- who you're with now (ok, so I'm not with anyone now & just recently had my first seriously physical encounter with someone since like, the end of May...but still), the reappearance totally throws you for a loop.

It's no one's fault.  You can't help it.  It doesn't mean you're not over him.  It just means that this particular guy meant way more to you than anyone else ever did-till you find the love of your life.

I don't know why I LET him make me nuts.  I really really don't. Why we cannot seem to stay away from each other.  He's on track at this point to become Josh 2.0, although far less...josh-like. I don't know what he wants or needs or is hoping is going to happen.

I CAN resist him. I can. I CAN.  And I will keep saying that until I truly believe it.

Exes. Sigh.

To the Ex-Boyfriends of the world:

Please realize you are an ex for a reason.  I don't care how horny, lonely, bored, nostalgic, or how much you  miss me, please, just...don't try and contact me.

If for some reason, you cannot help yourself, just do us both a favor & make your intentions known from the get-go.  Don't send me some lame "how are you" text...if you wanna hook up, be honest.  If you just want to say hi b/c you're feeling nostalgic, say so.

Don't send ambiguous texts that could mean a zillion things.  As little as a  month & a half ago, I would've caved so fast & responded & walked down this road...again. This time, I don't even feel the need to respond...am I curious? of course!! Also, I was a little annoyed..Like, WTF. we BROKE UP.  I had such a sense of finality. Our conversation didn't really seem like there was any sort of possibility for us to reconcile again.  But, yeah, I'm still a little curious as to what the eff he wants.

Sure, at one point, I thought Nate could be "it." & I know he felt the same about me too.  But, we were  both wrong. I took off my rose-colored glasses & was able to see the flaws in our relationship.

I'm happy. Like, really happy. Things are going well w/my career, my life in general, I'm DATING again...yeah, The Boy & I are like, brand new & not even really official or anything close to it, but the fact remains: there is someone else in my life.  My heart isn't Nate's anymore. It hasn't been for awhile.

I even noticed The Boy when Nate was still kinda in the picture...which is a big thing b/c I was just not interested in noticing anyone other than Nate for most of our on-again-off-again-romance.

I just seriously don't understand why exes can't stay where they belong.  At least it's not...josh!!

Sick.

I somehow managed to come down with a wicked cold sometime around Wednesday afternoon/Thursday morning.

Basically, it started out as a sore throat, slowly the sniffles came on & it resulted in a pretty awful headcold Friday afternoon.

I was also on call for RVA (Rape Victims Adovocates) on Thursday from 7pm-7am & got a call around 4am & had to go to the hospital with the survivor & didn't get to leave till almost 8...3 hours of sleep on Thursday, directly following a much-later-than-usual night on Tuesday night probably didn't help.

Friday, I was at my parents & totally & completely miserable the whole night.  I could barely breathe & was beyond exhausted.  My parents were amused.

You'd think not feeling all that great would deter me from attempting any sort of workout...but you'd be wrong.  Thursday, I did a yoga class followed by about 20 minutes on the elliptical for some cardio...then, found a distraction in the form of an extremely cute boy. Whoops.

Friday I still attemtped a work out and my body basically rejected it. I should've left well-enough alone....but I'm too stupid and stubborn to do that.

Really, I haven't had a quality workout since, like, Monday.  Not okay.

I'm feeling SO much better...I guess 11 hours of sleep will do that to a person...now, I'm about to go get a pedicure b/c well...I haven't pampered myself in quite some time, so why not??

Whoa.

I like a boy!!

Miracles do happen!

I thought I was gonna spend a long time in self-imposed singleness, but it was only about a month & a half (longer if you count the time we weren't ACTUALLY together).'

Several guys have asked/alluded to wanting to take me out, but I wasn't interested but this guy...there was something different that made me accept when he asked me on a date & things have been moving nice and slow and in a positive direction ever since.

It's so nice to date easily. No wondering what I should say, how I should act, what I should do...just doing it.

It's even nicer having someone like me for me-the whole crazy, silly, feisty, stubborn, opinionated, strong-personality-ied self.

Whoa.

The "D" Word.

So, it's not secret I've developed a slight aversion to dating...ok maybe "developed" is the wrong word.
"have had for quite some time but recently was seriously reignited" is probably a lot more accurate.
after the Anthony & Nate debacles, I was pretty much done.
No more dating. No more relationships. No more heartbreak. Just not interested in what it had to offer.
Too bad that lasted only a month.
It was a quick, fairly easy-definitely not painless-but quick and easy getting over Nate the second time.
Taking a step back and taking emotions out of it, it was easy to see how actually NOT awesome he was, thus helping me to expedite what could've been a rather long process.
However, I met a cute guy on Friday and we went out on Sunday.
We (obviously) aren't dating yet, or anywhere close, but we are talking and flirting.
I'm enjoying myself. It's nice. I'm not running away or huddling in the fetal position in fear.
It really helps he seems to sense that I'm a flight risk of sorts and is not pushing anything too much.
Chatting at the gym yesterday, texting throughout the day today...not too much but not too little either.
I am enjoying re-learning what it feels to have a new crush, full of possibilities and the silly feelings that accompany it.
If I learned anything from the mess with Nate, it was not to push anything. (& okay, so maybe the New Boy & I kissed some on Sunday. I just like to find out if that works.)
To move slowly. To not  rush into a relationship. To give things time to grow and develop.
So, despite the fact it's obvious we are interested in each other, I'm just gonna let it go with this guy and see what happens.
I'm just proud of myself I'm not longer living in fear of dating.
This is big.

Hmm..

As I mentioned earlier, I'm going thru what I am calling an "existential crisis." I also mentioned way back when the book "The Happiness Project" I read in the beginning of the year.

Over the course of the past few months, this is something I've really been struggling with: happiness. contentment. peace. joy. all of those types of emotions. Not that I haven't been feeling them, because I totally have, but sometimes...not so much.  It's kind of a weird feeling, when you go from always being a happy person to...not. Now, some of this was brought on by an attempt at a new birth control, which legit made me CRAZY & I lasted a month on it, and a little bit of sadness from the whole Nate ordeal, but still.

I just started the next chapter of my life and the transition has been slightly terrifying, totally overwhelming, totally thrilling, inspiring a variety of emotion in me.

So. I decided to re-read "The Happiness Project." I love the idea & I've been toying around with the idea of doing my own version (likely shorter. I doubt I have don't have the focus to do it for a full year!!) but it's defintitely intriguing enough for me to want to do.

The first chapter she details what she calls her "Splendid Truths" & "Secrets of Adulthood." As I was reading I starting thinking of some of my own...except my "Secrets of Adulthood" are actually "Secrets of Your Mid/Late Twenties." (& b/c I am just not comfortable calling myself an adult quite yet.) Stay tuned, b/c I'm thinking this will be a fun project.

Learning to Rest

(Mostly) Written on Monday

Today, I decided to take a day off of the gym.  I did a seriously intense leg workout on Friday & I'm still kinda sore. The workout was nothing I hadn't done before, but I FINALLY was able to get some time on the squat rack for the first time in a LONG time. (I always am on a fairly set time table when I go to the gym and that's not always conducive to waiting for the meathead guys to finish using it). ANYWAY. Finally reuniting with the squat rack made me really miss it.  There's something that makes me feel like a superwoman when I squat with the 65#. I've done A LOT more than that but since it's been so long, I decided to go a little lighter and holy crap, I am so glad i did.  I feel like an old lady when walking up & down stairs, but if you want a great ass, heavy squatting is awesome.

ANYWAY. The point of this is that I took the day off of the gym. This is big for 2 reasons: 1) i didn't work out yesterday (i was at the pride parade...i am hilariously red. who forgets sunscreen on a day she's gonna be outside for 7 hours? THIS GIRL.) & I hate taking 2 days off in a row. 2) I almost never skip a Monday. Monday workouts are typically my favorites b/c they set the tone for the week & I've found if I skip a Monday, it's easier to get lackadaisical & skip other days.

However, when I woke up this morning I was feeling a little nauseous...as previously stated, I was outside for 7 hours yesterday. Plus a fabulous margarita in the sunshine. So this morning, I was just bleh. I knew that if I got up and ate a bowl of cereal or something, I'd feel better, but I checked in with my body (such a weird thing to say, but something that feels so completely natural to me since I've started working out so regularly) & realized my body was just tired. I spent the majority of the day yesterday standing and/or walking (when did a 2 mile walk become a breeze?) & my legs were still kinda sore. Since the last thing I want to do is overtrain or burnout on the gym, I decided it was okay to take the day.

Up until as recent as probably 5 months ago, Cognitively, I understood the purpose & importance of rest days, but it wouldn't stop me from feeling guilty, lazy, and gross. BUT, on the flip side, too frequently, I would find myself going too hard and having to take several days off in a row or going super sporadically for two weeks in a row...and my fitness level and health suffered accordingly. 

 Nowadays, I embrace my rest days...not because I'm excited to sleep in or whatever, but b/c as Gina states,  "I think it’s so important to take time for YOU. For weight training, it’s pretty common knowledge that results happen during rest. The same thing holds true for LIFE."  Rest days are so important for training. Giving myself & my body a break isn't a bad thing, it's needed, it's necessary, it's safe and it's effective. Last week, on my mid-week rest day, my metabolism was so revved up it was ridiculous. I at practically non-stop for almost 12 hours...I was rationing my food while I worked to ensure I wouldn't be starving by the time my shift ended. Rest days are honoring my body, not insulting it. 

I've been determined lately to honor my body, my self, my mind, and my heart. I'm trying to "eat clean" more (I love food-healthy or unhealthy, so I do not feel at all guilty about the fact I just ate an cookie ice cream sandwich from Trader Joe's right before I finished typing this up), I'm trying to get more sleep, I started seeing a new therapist, I'm reaching out to friends, I am being wise about dating (which is why I am not dating anyone right now...I've had several guys suggest "going out.")

Since my life has picked up speed so quickly the past month or so, rest days-from the gym, from work, from life-have become something of a hot commodity. I'm the type of person who prefers to ALWAYS be doing something. I am bad at relaxing for more than an hour or two at a time. I feel like I need to be moving in some way,shape or form.  Frequently on rest days from the gym, I'll take walks. I can take in my glorious city, relax, and enjoy being outside...without trying to break a sweat or lift a higher weight. 

Taking time to just...be...is something that I am still getting comfortable with. That's what this whole post is about: resting. I say I do well being single, being on my own...but also, I'm constantly on the go. I'm constantly texting, calling, emailing...does that really constitute as being alone? I rarely just take time for myself and just exist. I've been doing it more lately, but it's still something I'm working on. It's so funny to me how being introspective about my rest day lead me to consider how important rest is every facet of my life. Learning how to slow down will continue to be something to work on...and likely will be a slow process itself b/c well...sometimes it takes me a time or two or ten to finally get something. 

It's Coming...

I think I am on the brink of an existential breakthrough.
I have this...feeling that something is coming.
I'm also in the midst of a ton of changes in life, so that's playing a role.

As a therapist & huge psychology nerd, I am forever making jokes about "existential crises" with my friends & co-workers, but I truly believe they are legit things.

We grow. We develop. We change. We re-evaluate our beliefs, our joys, our pains, our trials, and our life in general.

It is an on-going process, but at times, it all seems to come to a head and you become so much more aware of it. (thank you, new career/job, new apartment, & the ending of a relationship I am quickly realizing was soooo not right)

:(

Nate  & I decided to officially end things last night.
I couldn't deal with the half and half thing and he still wasn't ready to commit to a relationship.
We both have a ton of stuff happening in our lives right now, so I completely understand that mentality b/c I wasn't looking for a relationship commitment either, just a reassurance that I wasn't just wasting my time.

Since neither one of us wanted to compromise where we were, we decided the best course of action was to just be done.  He really wants to still be friends b/c he kept saying "i care about you so much" & i feel the same way, but I told him I need some time to process this.  I may or may not have yelled at him a bit for coming back after the 3 week hiatus on our relationship, especially if he didn't know what he wanted...he said he just couldn't get over me either.

It was heart breaking on multiple levels b/c a huge issue with us was our miscommunication with some things.    It killed me too, b/c we both admitted to having been pretty sure we had fallen in love w/the other person, despite the quickness of the relationship...which upset both of us, that we were feeling the same way and too stubborn to swallow our pride and discuss that.  Ugh. He didn't want to freak me out and I was just freaking out about feeling like that.  Ha. Typical.

I'm sad. I'm sad that this didn't work out when we were so perfect for each other. I'm sad this is the first time in over 6 years I've said the "L-word" about someone...as we were laying the relationship to rest. I'm sad that I now understand what it's like to date an awesome guy and he's gone. I'm just sad. But I'm allowing myself a day of wallowing & tears & then done. I already was sad about Nate once, I don't need to go through it all again.  (Especially that hangover.  No thanks.)

So yes. No more Nate. Sad day. But, if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be...doesn't mean I can't be sad for a little while. (plus, i'm about 5 days out from the placebo pill time...you know what that means...bonus emotions!! yessss!)

Calm to Storm and Back Again

My life officially became more of a "big kid" life this week! Woot! While I am still working thru some insurance insanity, I'm also working on gaining a client base! Progress. I'm also working as a receptionist there, which is great because I can see how things are run & done from a different perspective.

ANYWAY. The point of all of that is that Thursdays are officially my "days off." (currently, Tuesdays are as well, but I'll eventually be seeing clients in the first part of the day, so not for much longer).  While it wasn't a picture perfect day in Chicago (a typical day? kinda. perfect? depends on your definition of the word), it was still nice enough (for several hours) for me to wander around the lake, somewhat aimlessly. 

I just moved and my new apartment is less than half a mile from the lakefront (AMAZING)  & one of the several harbors Chicago has.  I walked around by the boats and sat and ate my lunch (Brazillian. have i mentioned how much i love this city?)  & then walked around some more.

Chicago has amazing lakefront paths...one is set further back, closer to Lake Shore Drive, where the other one is a wide spanse of tiered concrete steps for running, sitting, walking, etc. I found myself wishing I was closer to the lake (when it's windy, Lake Michigan looks so unbelievably cool-seriously impressed I haven't crashed on Lake Shore yet b/c its distracting to watch the waves breaking so fiercely) & I wanted to just enjoy the lakefront.  So, I directed myself in the direction of the lake, and sat on some rocks and read "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas" [sidebar: holy. crap. what a book! so so good. so sad. so incredible]. 

Its been storming on and off all week and it was fighting it this afternoon.  When I first got to the rocks and looked toward the south (downtown), it was still fairly sunny.  As I continued to sit there, it progressively got darker and darker, then back to sunny by the time I left about an hour and a half or so later.  As I sat there, alternating between my book, texting my best friend, and watching the weather change, I was hit with a sense of wonderment and awe of what God is capable of.  I know so many friends who are from small farm towns in small towns where skyscrapers and pollution and 4 million people in one city are as foreign to them as no Starbucks or Walmarts for over a mile are to me, who do not truly appreciate the majesty and beauty of my beloved city, but I saw it today.

Watching the weather change in a fairly rapid succession like that was pretty great too.  I'd look down for a chapter or so, look back up, and it would either be far darker or lighter than it had been 10 minutes prior.  I couldn't help laugh at the symbolism for life was well. Things go from calm to stormy to calm and back again ALL the time (having recently been in one of the storms, I can truly appreciate this) but it's still beautiful. No matter what. No matter how anyone else may perceive it.  These storms in life help define us and help us discover who we are and help us realize how strong we truly are.  We can start to rebuild ourselves, if the storm tore us down.  Or we can shake off the shock and debris if it was a smaller one and begin to move forward down the beautiful path set before us.  

It is not always easy to appreciate the beauty through the storm or the "cold and busy" package it may be wrapped up in, but in the end, the result is always beauty. And that is awesome.

*AHEM*

I am officially an LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor).  I can now FINALLY start seeing REAL clients!!
I actually have my first one on Friday evening. Woot.

Today, I picked up my keys for my new apartment...it's small and awesome and I'm super happy about it.  I move in on Saturday.

I'm having dinner w/Nate this weekend.  We are in talks of spending Thurs/Fri/Sat night together.  Apparently this is "letting it flow." However, it's his birthday (he's 29!!) on Saturday so I don't want to consume all of his time...I'm not sure where we'll be at the end of the weekend, but I must say, I'm shockingly happy with where we are now.

So many good things.

I like this month.

Lettin' It Flow

...is not easy.
But, it's teaching me a lot about myself and about dating/relationships & about life in general.

Life is not something I can control, no matter how much I want to or how much I try to.

My career is at a stand still right now.  I am literally spinning my wheels, waiting for my LPC to come in the mail so I can FINALLY see real clients and do real therapy.  I'm so excited, I can barely stand it b/c I am so ready to hit the PLAY button my career and get it rolling in the right direction...but there's nothing I can do about it.  I can't make it come faster.  I can't make the licensing board work quicker.  I can't make Illinois a more efficient state...I just have to wait.  And it's making me CRAZY.  But I'm learning patience.  I finally admitted defeat and I'm going home to work at J&L 2 days a week...4.5 hours in the afternoon & then 4.5 hours the next morning (ok, more like 4 since I don't get there right at 8am b/c I don't really care & no one's gonna say anything so...)mostly b/c I just can't deal with having nothing to do...although the weather in Chicago is FINALLY turning into spring, I still just...I need to work.

Nate & I are still crazy about each other and still "lettin' it flow."  He's got some freaky ass mental connection and will text/call me the the minute I start to get a little frustrated w/what exactly is going on.  But we're still good.  We talked on the phone today and acted just like our old selves, except there were a few times when we tripped over our words when we were trying to discuss what exactly was going on with us in terms of our relationship.  But things are good.  Slow. Flowin'. or whatever.

Overall,  though, this is a good lesson for me.  Life isn't always perfect.  I can't control...well, ANYTHING in my life.  My career? My love life? My new apartment?  My body? All of those things take time and patience, and hard work.  They do not come easily. The only thing I have even the remotest control over of that list is my body...and for a long time, it felt like I had NO control over it,...till I learned HOW.  But, unfortunately, I can't learn how to control my career or my love life or other people.  And really, why would I WANT to?

It's not an easy lesson to learn.  I kinda wish I was learning it with something that was NOT a romantic relationship, buuuut hey.  It will help w/Nate and it will help if there are other relationships in the future.

How You Know Your Ex Isn't Over You

...he calls you at 4:30 am, after a bachelor party, tells you he's leaving the city but wants to see you...comes to see you & then tells you he lied, that he wasn't in the city & was at his parents' in the suburbs but wanted to see you so badly he drove the whole way.

And then in the morning, tells you he liked you from the moment he met you and hasn't stopped since.

We are going to try and start over and, in Nate's words, "let it flow."

I am not always good with abstracts in datingland, but I think I need to learn how to be and let go of my need to have everything perfectly ordered.

Can't argue with a guy who looks you in the eye & says "i think we're supposed to be something great." Can't argue with the fact that the second he hugged me, I felt more at peace than I've felt for the past 3 weeks.

So...we'll see. Here it goes!

How You Know You're Not Over the Ex

The prospect of POSSIBLY seeing him today makes you want to vomit every time you think about & you have a distant nauseous feeling...constantly.
AND you find yourself wishing you had Bailey's for your coffee or wishing that 10am was acceptable to have the rest of the bottle a glass of wine.
AND you find yourself thinking that a RUN would be quite useful in helping you destress.
AND the masochistic side of you hopes you do see each other, another part is hoping for no, and still ANOTHER part is hoping "maybe, but only if there's alcohol present, but still...no."

Ugh.

Being Broken Up Is Hard To Do

Nate & I broke up a few weeks ago.
It came out of nowhere & I think it blindsided BOTH of us, even though ultimately, he was the one who ended it.
I think there may be more to the story than I am aware of, but I don't know and all I can do is speculate & wonder & obsess...or that's what I did for the first week, in between excessive chocolate & wine consumption, culminating in one of the more embarrassing nights I've had in a long time.

The first week of a break up is always the worst, especially when it's obvious both parties were still crazy about each other.  But that's in the past.  I've been trying SO hard to move on.  I can listen to "Just Give Me A Reason" by P!nk & Nate Russe without bursting into tears (maybe I feel distantly sad but not much) & I can think about Nate without crying or feeling like I'm being stabbed in the chest.  This is HUGE progress.

I still "miss" him, but this week, I've been reflecting on the fact that it's not so much NATE that I miss but the comfort, peace, and happiness of having a boyfriend and someone who was there, someone who knows me, someone who adores me...THAT'S what I miss. Not Nate, anymore.

I'm SLOWLY moving on.  It's not easy getting over someone you are were crazy about. It's a painful process.  Getting over people isn't easy & I had to two break ups in a few months and I'm emotionally spent.  I utilized (Good) Josh and we've been chatting more, which I feel like maybe is a slippery slope, but that's irrelevant.

So, I've been moving on and getting to the point of saying "I'm over Nate!" & meaning it.  And then...He sent me a text.  It was nothing, ambiguous, just a "hey wiener, how have you been?" & I became a mess.  Sure, when we broke up, we said we would be friends & see what happened, with Nate strongly implying he felt we'd be getting back together one day.  Now, I am extremely cynical when it comes to friendship & ex-boyfriends.  Mostly b/c most of my exes are crazy.  ANYWAY, because of that, I put very little stock in being friends w/exes, despite still  having very strong feelings for him.

When (Bad) Josh would text me, I'd be like "WTF, SERIOUSLY???" in an annoyed & frustrated way...even at first, when I still wasn't fully over him b/c he was such a shitshow.  When Nate text me this afternoon, I was just like "SERIOUSLY?" in a much more frantic and crazed way.  Three weeks of no contact. THREE WEEKS without talking to each other, although there have been an embarrassingly high number of times I wanted to pick up the phone & call him over the past few weeks...sigh.

ANYWAY.  After three weeks of zero contact, I'd assumed we were gonna forgo the whole friendship thing.  I'd resigned myself to the fact that we were just meant for an intense, fast burning relationship.  And maybe we are.

I'm freaking out about a short text exchange b/c I am not as over him as I thought I was. I could literally HEAR him saying what he was texitng, see his expression and mannerisms and then I just...I don't know.  Part of  me was happy to hear from him, but I had to shut that part down b/c it's just not...no.  Maybe this will be it.  Maybe he was just feeling nostolgic or something.  I dunno.  I don't like feeling like this.  I hope to get myself back on track tomorrow and stop freaking out.

I'm trying SO hard to leave my past in my past.  That's why I haven't called The Trainer...b/c it would be SO easy & SO satisfying, but SUCH a terrible idea...b/c it's the PAST. The Trainer is NOT my future (but what a future it would be...38 year old beautiful black man...I'd kill my parents if we ended up together. Such an amusing thought). Even though when we broke up, both of us thought  we were still supposed to be in each other lives, I don't know HOW.

I need to take a deep breath, eat dinner, have some wine & RELAX.  I can't obsess or I'll go nuts. I'm just gonna roll with it and let things happen without trying to manufacture what I want.

"The Good Outnumber You"

I have nothing to say that has not already been said by my friends, bloggers I love, or society as a whole.

The horrific events that happened in Boston yesterday and their aftermath continue to haunt and sadden me. I have felt saddened, slow, & somewhat distracted all day.

However, I am proud to see people focusing more on the acts of heroism than the act of "terrorism."

Gina, of fitnessista.com, posted this link of people being awesome & I read it and cried on the Brown Line.

While I was at the gym today, I couldn't help but think how much I LOVE working out and how it makes me feel-and how much I take that for granted & just expect to be safe and sound (other than the usual soreness that accompanies a killer workout) while I do this thing that I love and has become an important part of who I am. Running the Boston Marathon is the penultimate honor for a runner-I can barely run a mile and I know this.  I can't imagine what it feels like to have your passion so deeply fused to a traumatic event. It makes me angry and sad and heartbroken to think about these runners, achieving what is likely a lifelong goal & having the sheer joy of that stripped away from them in such a heinous way.

I told a friend I wanted to hop on a plane and set up shop and do crisis counseling with people...the same thing I wanted to do after Newtown. I had a professor in grad school who was a "first responder" for therapeutic stuff like this.  SO COOL. One day. ONE DAY, I will do that. 

 I love therapy and psychology and working with people.  I'll likely eventually work with all types of people-the best humanity has to offer and likely the worst (I'm a Rape Crisis Counselor...I see the results of the worst...but I also see people offering love, support and dedication to the survivor-whether it is in the form of police, detectives, nurses/doctors, or their friends...I see the best too).  It is so easy to see the evil and want to give up on humanity (& I admit, I did text Candy "WTF is wrong w/people??" on Monday evening) but I just...can't.  The comedian Patton Oswalt said it best here, stating "So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, "The good outnumber you, and we always will."

THAT is what we should all be clinging to.  And, I think, it is what people are trying to do now: trying to not let the evil win, trying to not let ourselves get discouraged, trying to not let the pain and fear and paranoia whoever did this was hoping for to take over.

Yes. As a country and even as a world, our hearts are heavy and sad. Yes, we experienced a horrific trauma. BUT, we are not letting it defeat us. People ran toward the chaos. People ran to hospitals to donate blood or help out in some fashion. People opened up their homes to total, complete, strangers. THAT is why good will always trump evil. Because as Patton Oswalt said, "The good outnumbers you." THAT is why, no matter how much we may say "I have lost faith in humanity" or "I give up on humanity" we really don't. Because people like the people in Boston, in Newtown, in cities all over-big and small, people want to help. People want to make a difference in a GOOD WAY. Until we are no longer able to spot the good and see the good in people, we CAN have faith in humanity. 

Now & Then

Now...

I am self aware.

Then...

I let other's dictate and tell me what I should do and how I should feel (they were almost always incorrect.  Not TOTALLY incorrect, but they are not me)

Now...

I can recognize a bad idea.

Then...

I thought I was solving everyone's problems.

Now...

I can resist the temptation to act on those bad ideas and impulses.

Then...

I would do it anyway and then subsequently be miserable for the next month.

Now...

I know who I am...most days.

Then...

I had no idea. I just wanted to have friends.

Now...

I know what a healthy relationship is.

Then...

I thought feeling like trash & a mess was normal when you were in a relationship (oh Josh. you crazy mess...FRICK.  got a new phone, probs lost the "reject list"-ha, how funny that's what it's really called!-here's hoping he doesn't sense the window of stalker-tunity...see what i did there? :-P)

Now...

I'm sad.

Then...

I was a disaster.

Now...

I am a mess, lost, empty, sad, confused, resisting all sorts of bad impulses, wishing things were different, wishing life had an undo button, and wondering what the future will bring.

Then...

I was just a mess.

It's funny how life works.  Everytime I get too cocky or comfortable, I am almost inevitably proven wrong.  WTF, mate? It's getting old.  But, I know there are lessons to be learned.  But for once, I'd like to learn a lesson with a happy ending.  That's all.

Emotions.

Miserable.
Sad.
Heartbroken.
Confused.
Lost.
Angry.
Empty.

Ah Love.

Monica got married this weekend.
Her & Lewis are the definition of the perfect couple.
The wedding was gorgeous...there were a few hiccups, but  nothing major...trying to be on time for a wedding in Chicago is next to impossible, though, gotta say.
But the wedding, reception, speeches (not to brag, but...hey), dancing, company...everything was absolutely perfect.

Then, of course, it got me thinking about things.  How I'm dating someone awesome, that I can truly see myself marrying one day...and then, I freaked out.
Words can't even truly convey how much I missed Nate yesterday.
I mean, I miss him all the time since we are long distance, and we didn't talk a whole ton this week b/c of his vaca w/his buddies, but for whatever reason, last night,I just wanted him there with me.
He definitely has a calming effect on me...I sometimes get high strung, but as soon as I hear from him or talk to him or see him, I somehow calm down and am soothed into a happy place (except last night when his energy level was a 10 and mine was a -3 at 4AM when we were on the phone).
So, as I was drinking, laughing, and dancing the night away w/some of my favorite people in the world, I kept missing my fabulous boyfriend in a way I didn't even know was possible.
Which, naturally, freaked me out some.
I've always prided myself on being strong and independent and not needing a man (other than my father) in my life.
But...maybe, MAYBE, missing Nate like I was is a good thing...I've "missed" boyfriends in the past, wanted to see them, but it was never this caliber of missing...I felt like a part of my happiness was missing for the night. (Don't get me wrong, I had a blast at the wedding and reception, loved every minute of it...but still)
Which also freaked me out.
It's only been like a month and half since we've been together! How can I care this much after only a month and a half?
But we just talked 3 different times this afternoon and after each time, I felt so much calmer.
Is this what a healthy, quality, real relationship feels like?
B/c I think I'm okay with that.
He tried his hardest to come see me last night but it just didn't work out.  He was considering coming to Downers Grove at 4am just to see me, but we ultimately decided he should just go crash at his friend's house.
He wanted to see his friends too and I see him just about every weekend, so I wasn't pushing him to come see me because he was just trying to do it all at once.
Can't fault a guy for that.
It's also extremely nice to have a boyfriend who goes above and beyond to try and see me...haven't had that in a LONG time.  Possibly ever.
I seriously think I'm on a really good road here.
Hmm.

GOOOAL(s)!!

New month, new goal.
Last month was a disaster as so many things kept popping up!
This month:
No take out.  I need to learn how to reign this habit of mine in like WHOA.
Since I am a girl who does not like to cook, and live in the 3rd biggest city in America, I can pretty much order whatever kind of food I want offline and have it delivered right to my door. I don't even have to put clothes on.
However, this habit perpetuates my laziness (ie: I don't cook) and is extremely expensive...I don't even want to compute how much money I've spent on take out over the last few years.
(Also, Nate is getting antsy to have me cook for him...apparently, my constantly telling him how hot it is to watch him cook for me is no longer good enough and he wants me to cook for him...which, unfortunately, is fair...so I need to refocus my cooking skills...or, ya know, find them so I can start to refocus...)
So, no take out for meeeee.

Also, since I've started my new job, which as sporadic hours (such is the life of a therapist), I may be having some 8am clients...and since my job is about 40 minutes away, that's going to require me getting up far earlier than I've been used to the past few months...so I need to make a hugely concerted effort to start getting up early.
I want to make it a habit.  Not just once or twice a week when I have 8am clients, but every day.
Yikes.
I don't have very high expectations for this to take well in the beginning...I have become quite the night owl, and then I sleep till around 8:30-9am.
I want to keep my schedule close to what it is now...working out, errands, work, friends, etc...but I'm not sure how to do that, so it will be extremely interesting.
So...we'll see.

I'm ready to get my eating and working out back on point...the past month was a little bumpy, what with RVA training messing with my schedule and all that fun stuff. My body has definitely missed being as active as it was the past few months...and people seem to think I've lost a ton of weight b/c my eating has been so whacked out.  So ready for this month!

The Boyfriend and the House

Nate just bought a house.

He keeps using the phrase "we", as in "WE can throw parties!" 

He wanted me to come down and see him tomorrow (too busy before the wedding...lots going on. :-/)

His two flaws?

He's an old man and a) goes to bed early & b) sometimes forgets to call people back.

But holy cow, my boyfriend (almost) has a house. My boyfriend that I've been with for about a month, asked my opinion on a house and then bought the house.  What?  My "big kid" relationship is on the fast track to "super serious" and I'm not freaking out (much). 

It's gonna be a crazy ride.

Funny the way it is...

I was on the phone w/Nate (the boyfriend) tonight on my way home from my class & we were kidding around about what we were gonna do to "celebrate" my new job the next time we see each other.  The ideas were getting progressively more ridiculous (dating a guy with a sense of humor > dating any other guy) & I was laughing and was just like

"Babe. Seriously."

And then he kinda snapped from totally insane to totally introspective in .2 seconds (impressive) & was just like "you know, the first time we met, I would have never dreamed you'd ever be calling me 'babe'."

Now, he says the most ridiculously sweet and charming things at the most random times (keeps me on my toes and has increased my ability to say "Awww" and then blush tenfold) and this, of course, was one of them.

He continued "I can't believe watching you stretch & saying "Are you a gymnast?" ended up with us being a couple."

[the first time we met, i was doing a standing quad stretch...at a party. in skinny jeans...and he came up to me & asked that question b/c "i really thought you were a gymnast!"...really, I'm just a somewhat socially awkward person who thinks its normal and acceptable to stretch like that at a party.]

I was just like "Life is funny like that.  That was honestly the best opening line I've ever heard...and I've heard some doozies."

Our sweet moment didn't last much longer b/c we got back to being silly (& planning a fantasy trip to California or Hawaii or somewhere warm together) but it did make me think.

Neither one of us were really supposed to be at that party...we both only knew 2 other people there (not the same people, either) & when he first introduced himself to Monica & me,  I thought "wow, he's really cute...he probably has a girlfriend." (also, The Trainer & I had only broken up like, 2 weeks before that, so I wasn't in the market for a new boy).

He later told me he had internally debated on coming up to talk to me for like 5 minutes before he actually did.  He said he thought I'd have a boyfriend & didn't want to be "that guy" but figured to give it a shot  anyway. I clearly responded positively and we had almost endless conversation for the next 2 hours with little to no awkward pauses.

I guess things happen when you least expect them, with people you least expect, when you aren't even feeling particularly pretty and are wearing something that is only semi-cute. :)

Nate & I couldn't really ignore our attraction to each other and even now, it's hard to think about giving up on our relationship just b/c we're long distance from the get go b/c of how insanely random our meeting was. Maybe this is it. Maybe it will end up being just another "So my ex..." story (and I have so many good ones already!!!) but regardless, it just is funny how things worked out and funny now it blindsided both of us.

Next Chapter, please.

So, I'm pretty excited.
The next REAL chapter...not this filler nonsense...of my life is about to start.
I'm finally on the path to becoming a "real" grown up.

New job.
New boyfriend.
New attitude.
New apartment (ideally...).
New lifestyle of living on my own.
New puppy (hopefully!).
(ok, so the last three are probably a few months off still, seeing as my lease here doesn't end until May 31st, but still.  Living alone is a real possibility now!)

I just got a job offer at a place called Trinity Counseling Resources.  I'm going to start out as part time, but I think there is a very real possibility it will turn to full time fairly quickly.  I may not be making a TON of money (but it's more than most starting salaries in this field!) but that's okay. I'll FINALLY be doing something I LOVE. All the blood, sweat, tears, years and money that went into obtain this stupid degree will finally be paying off!

And of course, the new boyfriend...the amazing new boyfriend of mine.  So far, so good, so perfect. I am loving getting to know him and developing our somewhat hilarious relationship (we're both totally weird; it works out scary well).

I can't get over how everything seemed to happen at once.  There has been radio silence in my life for the past few months...maybe a blip here and there, but for the most part, nothing...and then BAM. ALL at once: Boyfriend, job, new apartment on the horizon...all happening during one of the busiest months I've had in a LONG time. How does that always seem to happen?

Regardless, I am so happy about this new job & so excited to see what's next.  I feel like my life has finally been unpaused! :)

Raise Your Hand If...

...you starting crying during the middle of your workout yesterday.

oh...just me, then? Awesome. (A combo of the Boy acting like a 13 year old girl and not acknowledging my existence, my parents' hurtful words the night before, not being 100% over the Boy, and excess emotions from who knows where all made this slightly embarrassing moment a reality).

The past few days have been nothing short of rough.  I seem to have lost my motivation for working out, I haven't been feeling well, looking for jobs is slowly starting to crush my soul, AND my parents seem to think that I'm "not doing anything."

When I was home on Sunday, my father was going on and on about how I clearly was doing something wrong and whatever I was doing in terms of looking for jobs was "clearly  not working."  Uhm, hello, it's not like I've been looking for THAT long ( I mean, 3.5 months FEELS like forever, but in reality, it takes around 7 months or so). He went as far as to suggest I sublet my room in my apartment and move back to NWI..as if moving back to NWI would make me find a job faster.

Uh...I HATE it there.  It is NOT my home anymore.  Outside my family, there are only a handful of people that I care about..I've lost touch with numerous friends, having been consumed with school for 2 years and them with their own families/kids.  When I moved up here 2.5 years ago, I all but was waving my middle finger high and saying "peace out, bitches!"...to Schererville, to former friends, to my unfulfilling life there...

What I can't understand is how my father thinks that me moving back there would FIX anything.  It would make it worse.  I'm almost positive I'd slip into some sort of depression.  My friends are HERE.  My life is HERE.

I don't understand why my family is so stupid when it comes to me and my job search.  J&L will NEVER make me happy or fulfilled...which is why I'm NOT working there now.  They want me to apply for "other" jobs now...basically, take time off of my REAL job search to look for jobs that are more menial or whatever.  Because that makes sense.  So, on Thursday or Friday, after I force myself to have a killer workout, I'm going to shower at the gym and hop the bus & go up the street and go inquire if a few places close by are hiring...first stop? Victoria's Secret.  Can you imagine my uberChristian, uberConservative parents having to tell their friends their daughter works at Victoria's Secret?  It would be AWESOME.

But really...this is it.  I'm gonna do whatever the hell it takes to get  a job in my field.  And when I do, I'm going to hop around my parents and say "fuck you doubters, look what I did.  Thanks for always 100% believing in me!"  Because it seems they have stopped doing that and it sucks.  Maybe, to add insult to injury, I'll reconcile w/the Boy, who was by NO means close to their ideal mate for me...which definitely added to his appeal, let me tell you. But whatever.  I'm not so much sad anymore as really really pissed.  Here I go.

Sad Face.

To re-iterate my previous post, dating sucks.

The Boy and I are likely finished...but it appears neither one of us is overly pleased with this.
WTF, mate!
Well, to be quite honest, I don't know.  He started the conversation, and at one point, was like "you won't have a hard time finding someone...you're gorgeous, smart, funny, fun to be around, you have an awesome body..." and the undertone of his voice was like "What the HELL am I doing????"

Communication is key.  We were both expecting something and wanting something and our wants jived, but the way of getting there...did not.  :(

Today was our first day of eye contact since Tuesday, and it was pathetic...sad smiles and a sad wave.  At least I'm not alone in my mini-depressive episode right now.

I'm giving myself till tomorrow to be sad.  Then I am putting on my big girl panties and moving myself on.
Ugh.

Dating...Sucks.

I HATE dating.  HATE HATE HATE it.  I find it tedious, stressful, and one gigantic game, with two players who don't always know what they're doing, but think they have it all figured out...which just spells disaster.

Since I have trust issues that very likely could've kept my therapist in business for years, dating is an exceptionally painful form of torture for me.  And, my past dating relationships have left more than a little to be desired, I don't really know how to...do it. Boy #1 used to call me a zillion times a day, whether convenient or inconvenient for me, and then get mad if I couldn't or wouldn't give him 110% of my attention...and it drove me CRAZY. Boy #2 was amazing, always talking to me, never pushy, always wanted  to be the sweetest person to walk on the planet...but I couldn't deal with that and freaked out.  (This is also the time I learned dating younger guys maybe wasn't for me). Boy #3 redefined insane and I have sort of diagnosed him with Borderline Personality Disorder.  He would be angry if I texted him 2 or 3 times in one night, the next, he'd be upset if I didn't text him at all...so hot & cold...granted, he was a lying cheater, but still.

All of these...do not much add up to a good dating base for me.  From Boy #1, I learned I HATE being smothered, hate having to answer a million texts or phone calls a day, from Boy #2, I think was the sweetest thing ever and treated me very well, so I was able to see what exactly a nice, quality guy is truly like.  Boy #3 helped show me how a guy can make the most confident and strong girl fall to pieces when a boy manipulates...you kinda go a little nuts.

So, now, I'm dating this guy.  He's...older than I am, and a trainer at my gym. We've been talking for about two months, I think...we had a hiccup or two in the beginning, and have since worked through them. However, since I hate being harassed by the people I'm dating, I've been very hands-off in that department, which I think confuses him, and thus, confuses me.  He's flaked once before and he did it again tonight, which is SO frustrating.  I understand if something comes up or whatever, but shouldn't you at least let the girl you're dating know?  My mind is going to a million different, BAD places. 

My issues lies here: how do you know when to be like "yeah, I'm done." or just roll with it? Maybe he got tanked with his buddies (not a good excuse, but whatever) or maybe he's with another girl...or maybe something came up with his sister and his niece, or maybe he's just a jerk.  But when I saw him this afternoon, he was all about hanging out tonight, so I don't know.  

Seriously.  I HATE dating. The guy is awesome...SO hot, so sweet, phenomenal kisser, in great shape (obviously), and likes me a lot...but sometimes lacks in showing it.  And I don't know...I don't want to be just some girl he hangs out with sometimes. We're gonna have to have a serious conversation and figure out what's going on b/c I am over this silly "in between/what-if" phase.  

Not Behind the Times

So, lately, I've been thinking about where my life is v. where I thought I'd be at age 26 v. where my peers seem to be in their lives.  Now, I try my very hardest not to compare my life and what's happening or not happening in it to other people's but sometimes, it just happens.  I'm by no means wishing my life were different (although I do wish I had a job, but duh) or implying that I'm jealous of where their lives are v. where I'm at.

I'm just stunned it's so...different. I'm 26, single(ish), currently unemployed (i cringe having to say that), living in Chicago, and perfectly happy (well...almost perfectly).  I have awesome friends and a great life and I'm seeing a great guy.  My life rocks.

However, today I learned an old friend is pregnant with baby #2...and she is only a year older than me.  She's been married for several years and has a baby who just turned 1.  She is not my first friend to be working on baby #2, not by a long shot.  Recently, actually, it seems like there has been explosion of pregnancies and/or people popping out babies.  It's just so ridiculous.

Monica is getting married in 2 months, Amanda is getting married in 9. A good portion of my friends are married & have been for years.  Most of them are thinking about babies in the next year or two...

And me? I'm like "I like wine, the gym, and my hot trainer boy toy."  When I think about even the remote possibility of maybe having kids one day, I'm like "ew, gross, no." Marriage? Yeah, I'd like to get married eventually, but its not even really on my radar right now (ok, sorta b/c I'm in 2 weddings within the year, but me, myself, getting married soon? nope). The Boy & I are still in the "getting to know you" phase of things but are so ridiculously attracted to each other, we have a hard time focusing on much else.

Monica & I were on the phone the other day & I said "I just don't know how I got so far behind where we're supposed to be in life!" Her response was "well, is that what you want?  To be married and have a baby on the way?" & I was like "uhm...no, not really, but I feel like I should!!" To which she replied "I think you're fine, you're happy and that's all that matters."

Which is so so true...but it's so easy to forget, what with society's expectations, my parents' expectations, my friends' realities...plus, what the 17 year old me thought my life would look like at 26.  Why do we always worry we're so far behind when really, we're right where we're supposed to be?

No part of me wants to be married right, or be a mom right now, or any of that.  I want to get myself somewhat established in my career, continue to live in Chicago, and figure out if The Boy and I are gonna go much further than the "seeing each other" status we're at right now. I'm NOT supposed to be getting married soon or having a baby soon...I don't know what I feel like I'm behind the times when I'm moving at the pace I'm meant to be. There's not universal timeline that says "26 year olds should be married, beginning to try and spawn, and be thinking about buying a house," so why would I worry that I'm behind?

The Happiness Project

So, today I started reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin.  I've seen stuff about this book & recently read a review of it from Julie, who writes on of my favorite healthy living blogs, www.pbfingers.com.  (You should definitely check her out.  She writes about her daily quest for health, quality work outs, and some of life's little adventures with her husband and adorable dog).  Julie talked about her views of the book and talked about Gretchen's ideas for obtaining "happiness."  I was intrigued, and as someone who is always trying to better myself, I thought I'd give the book a chance.

Her book has twelve main chapters, each describing a goal/mindset of her's for a particular month, and then a the end of the book, she gives pointers on how to start your OWN happiness project. I just finished the intro of the book, where Gretchen talks about the epiphany she had one day during her commute: "I was in danger of wasting my life." She went on to say that by no means did she have a BAD life; she had plenty to be happy about, but frequently, she just lived her life in a ritualistic manner, without really realizing she was actually living life.

Now, I have thought about that same thing many times over the past few months...apparently unemployment makes you extra introspective. I guess the monotony of: go to the gym, go to Starbucks, go home, make dinner, clean the house, watch TV/read, repeat takes its toll. I frequently tell my friends "I'm getting antsy."  Nothing good comes from me getting antsy, and nothing good comes from a life you're not truly living.

Gretchen states she believes since no two people are exactly alike, no two people will have the same "happiness project." In true writer/researcher fashion, she explains how she invested a great deal of time in looking up what "happiness" meant.  She then realized her goals were full of paradoxes: wanting to change things about herself, but wanting to accept herself.  She makes excellent points and brought up a lot of things for me to think about-and that was just in her introduction.

She found a number of definitions for "happiness", from philosophers to psychologists to various writers that have tackled the question humankind has been seeking out in one way or another for thousands of years. To me, this brought up the question: "What do I think happiness is?" And it's a thought I've been pondering for the past several hours and if I'm truly honest, probably for the past several years in one way or another.

So...what DO I think happiness is?  Is happiness a baby's laughter? An king-size Reeses? (an hour ago, yes, yes it was). A hug from the guy I'm dating? Or is it a more than a fleeting moment, but a state of being?  I think this book is going to be a very good read for me.  I never read anything remotely "self-help"-esque, but I'm not sure this book qualifies as a self-help book.  I'm definitely intrigued enough to read it and I think that even if I do or don't agree with her conclusions, it will give me much to think about these next few days/weeks.  (I tend to breeze through books very quickly, but I get the feeling this one will take a little more time than normal).

I'm excited to see how this book will influence me and my views of happiness and if it will have any application to my life as I read it.  I'll probably discuss it on here just for the hell of it, so stay tuned!

For the love of 2013

So, the title of this blog (which is subject to change, possibly) is a reference to my career & the fact that sometimes, writing is just straight up therapeutic. Also, I live in Chicago and maybe I am a little obsessed with the city.  

Starting a blog like this (one that is more "mature" in nature, not from when I was 17 years old) has been something I have wanted to do for several months now & I've just never gotten around to it...till now.  I guess I can write it off as one of my 2013 goals.

To me, saying "resolution" sounds so scary. So final. I feel like it's such a heavy word, carrying so much pressure, and possibly, eventually guilt.  Thus, I like to say "New Year's Goals."  The word "goal", at least to me, sounds far less intimidating than resolutions. ANYWAY.  I digress.

I have several goals for this year, some having to do with health/fitness, some having to do with more personal stuff, and some that I think I'm going to keep to myself, at least for now.

They are:

• Focus more on cardio at the gym.  I HATE cardio. With a passion. I think it's boring and tedious and far less enjoyable and gratifying than strength training (which I LOVE).  If I'm going to take a rest day or just straight up skip the gym, it's a cardio day I'll happily forgo.  However, I know that cardio is hugely important for the obvious benefits, as well as for fat burning and helping with core definition. So, I want to focus more on it as part of my weekly workout regime.  No more slacking and "riding" a bike for  my cardio days...I need to have them actually count.
• Piggy backing off of that, I want to run the Color Run 5k in June.  A 5k is approximately 2 miles, yes?  I can run about a mile to a mile and a half before I start REALLY hating life, and I have plenty of time to build up to 2 miles...it's something I know I'll be proud of because really, who would've thought I'd ever actually run any type of race?  Who cares if it's only a 5k? You gotta start somewhere.
• Do a workout that scares me at least once a week. I hate clean and presses and snatches...so I tend to not include them in my circuits. Why? Because a) in my opinion, they're hard & b) I'm a little scared of them.  
• Focus more on my diet and eating "clean."  I have learned how to cook-somewhat.  I have a selection of several meals I can make easily (the crock pot is seriously the best invention EVER) & I'm getting slightly better & more confident with it...now, it's all a matter of making sure I'm making healthy meals with some more variety.
• GET A JOB...although, this is not really, truly, fully in my control.
• Create a "mini goal" for each month (personal, fitness, health, food...anything)
• Give up something new each month (Starbucks, chocolate, alcohol, eating out...)
• Learn how to budget...or at least, manage money better. You would think this would be easy, because of my father and his being a business man and all of that...however, I did not inherit that ability.  At all.
• Live alone.  Last year and this one, I've had a roommate...and it's been...different.  I think I'm ready to live alone for good now.  Get a dog of my own (my parents won't let me kidnap Chloe), have my own place that I can make "mine" and not have to worry about anyone other than myself. 
• Do something that scares me..I'm not going to say "once a month" or "once a week" or put any type of time stamp on it b/c I think we all have different "scary" things and they all crop up at different times.  I want to stop over thinking, stop worrying, and just DO.  Where's the harm in that?  That's how we learn and grow and become, in my Adrija's words, "wisdomous."
• There are a few that I am keeping to myself.

JANUARY Specific goals:

• Giving up Starbucks.
• Focusing more on abs/core stuff during my workouts...I tend to save this particular group for the end of my workouts and then rush through it or skip it completely.
• Make at least 2 new meals this month.